Caring For Aging Parents Support Group

First of all, know that you haven't failed your dad! Bleeding on the brain can be a slow thing that goes unnoticed until it's too late, or a sudden aneurysm that bursts (that's what happened to my dad and he was gone the next morning).

It seems to me that you've done everything you could, and have taken good care of both parents. Now it's time to recognize that the professionals are in a better position to do the job.

Once my mom was in the best nursing home I could find, I visited her virtually every day for her final year. Even if I could stop in for only 15 minutes I did. I brought her treats, read to her, etc. even though she really didn't know who I was after a while. It was sad, but it had to be done.

You have gone to a lot of trouble to care for your parents, so don't ever think you've failed them. You've been there for them for as long as you could, and you'll still be there for them even if they are in a nursing home!!!!!

I so agree with everything that SaraBT has said to you. You sound like the most loving and giving daughter that anyone could have. You have made the best decision to have dad placed where he is safe. They know how to handle these situations and we, as lay people, just are not equipped to do all the things that they do.

Mom will be fine. She will be sad at first but as she sees the deterioration, she too will admit that neither one of you could care for him. You take care of yourself and know that you are the BEST and are doing the right thing. God Bless you. We all have these hurdles and we will need you when we have a placement that hurts our hearts. Sometimes we have to make the tough choices because they are the best for the loved one and the safest. Much love to you - SUE

Hi mugsini,

My heart aches for you, and your parents. It is very tragic when the health system fails our elderly parents. If you'd like to chat, or send a private message....I'm here for you. *Hugs*

Sabrina

I would like to make a suggestion to you about the place you end up choosing for your Father.

We learned that it is always good to drop in at different times of the day instead of being too predictable or the staff will know when you are due in and no matter how good the place is, they do not need to know when you are going to show up.

Be sure to ask them about any sores he may be developing and be sure they are turning him constantly to avoid any.

Can your Dad feed himself or do anything to help himself? I am sorry to ask you those questions. Its just that I have already gone through this several times and I have learned something new every time.

Don't hesitate to ask any questions of the nurses and be sure to make a good relationship with the Social Worker in the facility as he or she will always be a good contact if you have any concerns about your Father's care.

So while you are checking out the places, be sure to check out the main staff that you will need to deal with and be sure they are open to you and want to encourage family involvement.

And it is always a difficult decision and what you are feeling is normal. Your heart tells you one thing and your head tells you another. But, you can't care for both of them in a proper manner and keep your sanity. I tried it that way first and it really took a toll on me. And once I knew I could not, I was very hard on myself and felt that I failed big time. But, I did not and it passed after some time. So everything you are feeling comes with the changes you are having to make.

God bless you and your family. Please let us know how things are going as we are here for you. And if you prefer private email, that is fine too. I am here.

None of us can prepare for this phase of life. You can see others doing it but its something else when it starts happening to your family.

Also, ask what the turnover rate is among CNAs and other staff. I didn't think to ask that, but lucked out -- the CNAs at my mother's home had been there an average of five years (eternal in nursing home life). As a result, they all knew each other, knew the residents and developed bonds with them. My mom thought her CNA was me, because she had the same coloring! I thought that was wonderful, and the CNA loved my mom right back.