What is Caring-For-Aging-Parents
Elderly care or simply eldercare is the fulfillment of the special needs and requirements that are unique to senior citizens. This broad term encompasses such services as assisted ...
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Well, first off, I am not a talker or a good writer. I am 59 yrs. old, collecting the last couple wks. of my meager unemployment checks (with no hope of more income in sight). Since April, 2009 I have been sharing an apartment, in a senior apartment building, with my 86 yr. old mother. The last time I was on a payroll was in 2007 at a fast food restaurant. My step dad was very ill at the time, so I received several calls a day at work because they needed help. I finally had to quit my job to care for them. My step dad died a month after I quit work and I promised him I would take care of my mother.(there is no one else to do it and I won't put her in a nursing home) My financial situation would not allow me to pay rent where I was living, so my mother and I decided we should share the apartment. So.. we (my fiance and I) moved her out of her one bedroom apt. and into a two bedroom apt. right across the hall. My fiance is not allowed to live with us because the rules of the apartment owners will not allow anyone under 55 yrs. old to live there( He is 52 yrs. old)If we were married, then they would allow him to live there. My fiance and I have been together for 6 yrs. and would prefer to get married on our terms, not theirs, so I have been sneaking him in and out since April.(very stressful) He is also having a great deal of trouble getting work. He works sporadically in construction. My mother is a nearly impossible person to live with.She has no friends and refuses to attempt to make any and my children(her grandchildren) avoid her as much as possible. At one moment she will be irritatingly childlike and most other times she is manipulative, nosy and meddling beyond reason, insulting, degrading and constant nagging about things that are none of her business. So far, she can still physically care for herself. I expect the time will come soon when I will be required to feed and bathe her,etc. just as I did for my step dad. She has to know where I am and what I am doing constantly. She has called my friends, stores, police. If I occasionally manage to escape with my fiance to have a beer and unwind, she will call my cell phone to insist that I should be home and to say that God would not want me to have a beer.We are not alcoholics or drug addicts. If I don't answer, she will call the bartender. I don't know what to do anymore. I have fallen into a hellish rut. My fiance and I have broken up several times since April, because of this situation. He wants to move back to Colorado, but I have a responsibility to my mother. She and my father gave me life, now she is just sucking out whatever life I have left.
Posted on 09/06/09, 07:09 pm |
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RubyKay, you may be dealing with a personality disorder that would challenge a psychiatrist. If that is the case, it will erode your own life beyond reasonableness.
I think sometimes we take on responsibilities beyond our ability to cope because we feel guilt if we don't. But I don't see anything wrong with admitting that some situations are beyond our abilities. My mother had Alzheimer's and lived with us for five years. But in that fifth year, her care became too much for one or even two people to handle (she was a sweetie; it had more to do with dangerous wandering at night, etc.). That's when we researched nursing homes and put her on a waiting list, and she was accepted. I think what I'm saying is that while it's a noble thing to want to care for the woman who "gave you life" there's no reason to allow her to take it away. Is there any way you could get her care under Medicaid? Many nursing homes reserve a certain number of beds for Medicaid residents -- that's how my mom got into a wonderful home, but it did take about six months on a waiting list. Your only other alternative would be to set firm limits with her and stick to them. You could look for a support group in your area and learn detachment, which can help immensely. I also heard about a service where younger seniors take care of older people - I forget the agency's name. But they can come in and watch your mom while you take a much-needed break. I'll keep you in my prayers! 
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Wow RubyKay
You have your hands full my dear! It is bad enough when you have to move them, etc. and they are aggreeable but when you pretty much know she is going to fight tooth and nail, its already a horribly stressful situation at best. I do think that SaraBT offered you some wonderful advice and it would be great if you could just follow it step by step. But, somehow, I feel like your Mother is not going t go down that easy...sorry. On the other hand, something has to be done here for all of you. It sounds like your Mother would be a good candidate for Assisted Living since she can still tend to herself and its much cheaper than a nursing home. ANd if your Father or Stepfather have ever been in the Miliary there may be some benefits for her from that source because they are striving to keep people out of nursing homes as long as possible and really have a good program. Or at least they did just 4 years ago when I was going through all this for my Dad. Check into that and just give it some thought but you are going to need to do something that is workable for all involved. Take care and know we are here.
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I SO AGREE WITH EVERYTHING SARABT HAS SAID ABOVE.
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You deserve to be happy, and to live your life without your mom's interference. She has no right to treat you like a child, and expect you to cater to her 24/7. I believe that your mother is a very controlling, and miserable person who wants everyone else to feel misery also. Please don't allow her to destroy your personal happiness with your fiance. She needs to be reminded of boundaries which should never be crossed. In your situation, tough love needs to be practiced with your mom. Good luck!
Sabrina
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I forgot to ask if your mom has a cognitive illness like Alzheimer's because it that's the case, she cannot help her behavior, and has little control over what she says and does. If this is the case, then she cannot be blamed. However, you do need to check out resources to assist you in dealing with the situation. I hope everything works out for you. *Hugs*
Sabrina
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