Caring For Aging Parents Support Group

I had one almost identical. My mother inherited about $100,000 from her brother, and had it in CDs. She often mentioned it before she got Alzheimer's.

Once she became too disoriented to maintain her bank account I took over. She was down to about $15,000 and couldn't remember where it went. When she came to live with us she had $9,000. Everyone in the family said my brother was "borrowing" from her, but I ignored it because I felt it was her money to do with what she wanted. I didn't count on Alzheimer's!

Nobody helped me clean out her house, and she never did keep orderly records, so I tossed almost everything. Had I kept the bank statements, I would have had proof that my brother took it all.

Once she came to live with us my brother visited only once, which was ironic since he was her favorite (I was my dad's favorite, so it balanced out). I still didn't care that he got the money, because again -- she was alive and gave it to him.

However, when she died my brother refused to help me with the funeral costs because "I got all of her money." (That would be her SS checks for the five years she lived with us, which went for adult day care, clothing, etc.) In addition, my husband and I were stuck in the house for most of those five years because my brother "couldn't" watch her so we could go out for the evening.

We didn't speak for a year after the funeral. I had to take out a loan to pay for the funeral and have never been offered one dime since. We're on speaking terms today, but our relationship will never be as close as it once was. I can't imagine what would have happened had she been a millionaire!

My advice? Keep all of the bank statements!!!!

Thanks for your reply. I know this must happen quite often and it's sad because my brother and I were always so close before this. He used to be my dad's favorite (when my dad was alive). It was so obvious. Now my mom favors him, it seems. But I can't blame her because she can't help herself and she is a mom and doesn't like to see her kid suffering, and I want her to spend her money as she pleases although I don't approve, but I decided to keep my mouth shut about it for now. I just don't want to have to pay her bills knowing she could have paid them had it not been for my lazy brother.

That's the core of the problem -- if he's taking so much money that she can't pay her own bills. Is there any way you can set aside her money so that she can't get hold of it without your co-signature?

By the time my mom came to live with us, her SS check didn't cover all of the adult day care, even with grant money -- so we had to kick in as well. If she had all of her money, there should have been enough at least for several years.

Yes, that money would and should have come in handy. I'm so sorry you went through this, too. I used to think my brother was intelligent but now either I was wrong or the drugs he has taken over the years (and drink in the last few years) have destroyed too many of his brain cells since we were younger. He has always been needy and willing to take whatever mom and dad could give him, all the while buying anything his heart desired (cd's, movies, guitars, drugs, eating out, etc.). He is of the mindset that if a person has had the intelligence and foresight to have saved enough money for a personal emergency (lay-off, broken appliances, etc.), that that is some form of snobbery and if he needs the money that person should fork over their savings to him.

I just became my mother's power of attorney yesterday, and from what the lawyer said, she can still conduct her own business as usual untill she is unable. My mom was afraid I was going to take over everything so she couldn't write checks or buy what she wanted, so for now I will do nothing to stop her from doing as she pleases, until it causes a serious problem.

It's so nice to be able to talk to someone who's been there too.

One thing you could do, if your mom agrees, is to put your name on her checking and savings accounts as an "and" rather than an "or." This way you would have to co-sign any checks or withdrawals.

Well, I know right now she won't agree to it. But if she gets in a deep enough hole, she probably will at that time. It's going to be hard for her to stay within her spending limits this month as she has already started out with about $470 less than she would normally have, what with the $128 deficit and $336 property tax payment. It'll definitely be an "interesting" month. Thanks for the advice!

Who limits her spending each month? It might be a good time to let her sink so that she may be able to realize she needs help. Especially with property taxes, since they won't throw her out of the house for several months :-)

No one really limits her spending right now. I let her know when her checking account starts getting low. And usually unfortunately that starts around mid-month since my brother started using her as his personal bank. My sister took her to pay the tax payment today, since she got her social security money today, but she had to pay an extra $54 because it was late.

If you ever go to the bank with her, you may want to pre-arrange with the customer service person to suggest adding your name to the account. A good time would be after she bounces a few checks. That's when my mother decided she really needed help, and put my name on her account. My brother never asked for another dime :-)

My name has been on the account since about March. However, my name is not on the checks. My bro knows that I can see exactly what happens with her money, so they have gotten sneakier (my mom and my bro) about how she gives the money to him. Most of the time it does not involve putting his name on a check. (unless she slips up). Then she will flat-out lie to me about it. It makes me feel like the villain, trying to control what she does with her own money, but like I said, I don't want to have to pay her bills knowing she could have paid them had she not given all her money to my brother.