Caring For Aging Parents Support Group

there is a difference between skilled care for the sick and elderly and a facility that requires more than that for the ones who are violent and destructive. skilled care are for those who are ill and cannot do but they are not trained to handle those who are violent. there is a big difference there nor would a home facility accept one who has a history of such violence all of their lives. They have other places for them to go i suppose that is the reason why you never saw him again.

god bless

Yes! It is definitely better to find skilled care before things go OOC!

It is very common for dementia patients to end up causing harm to family members. ONce they start to forget other family members, there is the danger that they will perceive them as strangers and fight believing they ar esimply defending their home and personal property.
Even without any history of violence, the dementia patient can easily become violent in the confused state of not recognizing their loved ones.

This is why we really need to watch carefully for these signs and get them in skilled care where more objective care givers can access on a round the clock schedule and address these issues before our loved ones act out in confusion.

Just like wandering off and geting lost in the woods is a new behavior for the elderly demtia patient, harming family members can easily occur. The facilities we visited had plans for supervised care and medications that would have prevented his admintance to the "jail" type facility. They could have stabalized him and the fresh caregivers could not have been alone if he forgot who they were. They are trained to deal with this type of demtia.
Auntie constantly talked about how lacking in compassion is would be for her to "dump" him in a skilled facility. That is what kept her from finding proper care before a crisis happened.

Maybe it is a lesson more for women caring for any adult who is bigger and stronger.

STILL, there was a grissly bear wandering in the woods that night. The police would not let us search because of her and the other dangerous wildlife. We need to realize when we are at the breaking point too. No one can reasonably care for a person 24/7 without becoming exhausted. It only takes a moment for that elderly person to unlock doors to walk out into danger. AND even cities hold danger - the elderly can walk into fast moving traffic.

Thanks for letting me talk about this hear. I realize it is not immediately relavent to everyone else's situation. But I still remember those days and nights of worry about both of them.

i would have to disagree that all dementia patients are in fact harmful to those around them. if a dementia patient who is unable to get themselves out of bed for instance and is weak to begin with cannot cause bodily harm except with what words come forth from their mouths perhaps that is considered speaking with a fork tongue as it were they are only words coming forth nothing more.

like i said before skilled nursing care does not sit by the patient all day long and watch them they do not have the time or energy when they have 6 other beds to tend with they do what most of us are already doing at home cleaning beds, changing, hygiene care and feeding and medications administrations no difference from at home then in a nursing care facility.

the one thing the patient does not have at a skill nursing home that is spending quality time in the company of another human being most of the time they are left to themselves unless a family member comes by to see them mostly they spend about a hour with them maybe more once or twice a week the rest of the time they are confined to bed or wheelchair with no interaction they look forward to visitors some never get a visit from family they are suddenly left alone and become very unhappy.

if a loved one acts in confusion there are alot of factors that could cause that dehydration which in nursing homes they get alot because no one is there monitoring them to see that they get fluid intake. could be oxygen levels and alot of other factors not to mention urinary track infections ect: believe me they do not receive the proper care in a nursing home as they would at home by someone one who knows and loves them. what i am saying is a CNA will never take the place of the love a family member can give to the loved one the bond is not there it takes a lifetime of love that has been shared to give back to the loved one who needs support, understanding and the sense that they are not alone particularly when they are placed in a facility.

fears are another thing we can think about what might happen in the future and try to look into our crystal ball but many times those things we think will happen never happen we see that they were just a cloud of smoke designed to take us off our path.

god bless

Oh, Sunnybunn, I am so sorry this happened to you. I am sure that it was frightening for you to spend several days wondering about your uncle. That is a sad memory. We all hear about the senior who wanders away from home near wooded areas in the winter. We know of some who are never found. Thanks for sharing with us in an effort to prevent tragedies in other families. It is very kind of you to share these sad memories with the intention of saving others from dangers. The family care givers must be educated and aware of the signs that skilled care is necessary. Then they must make the loving decision to protect these family members before they are in danger.

There was a time when people thought that anger, verbal and physical abuse in those with dementia implied a life time of violence. THAT IS SO WRONG!!! It is called prejudice. Unfortunately, even today there are people, even educated people, who are laboring under this ignorance and lack of understanding who still believe that dementia patients do not deserve a place in skilled care. . It is mean, hostile, and unloving to make such assumption about someone whose illness creates difficult situations. You are going to get those sorts of responses from ignorant people. The best thing to do is to ignore them and offer a prayer that they harm no one with their ignorance.
In those with dementia, the brain slowly regresses until it functions like a young child’s. The way to think of your uncle is that he was functioning like a 5 year old but in the 200 pound body of a man. It is as natural for a 80 year old to have a temper tantrum as it is for a 5 year old, when their brain is functioning like a 5 year olds. Unlike the 5 year old child, the adult with dementia has the strength of a full grown person. They can cause bodily harm when they have temper tantrums. Your point about securing skilled care prior to these serious symptoms is very valid and loving. The best thing is to learn to recognize the signs of this confusion. Then have them peacefully placed in a home when signs of this confusion show. Skilled care workers are trained to recognize the signs of impending outbursts. They can calm the patient before a violent situation happens. They have strength of additional staff at hand to assist if an outburst occurs.
Trying to maintain such family in the home all alone is never a good idea when these signs start to show up. Different from the 5 year old, the elderly with dementia are capable of unlocking doors to leave the home and become lost in wooded areas where they played as children. They can drive a car and cause accidents. They can become confused and walk into traffic. These are not violent people. They are ill and deserve care just like anyone else who is ill.
As you mentioned, both adults were at risk when a crisis occurred. Also, many first responders put their lives at risk to rescue these two people trapped in this situation. The very same bear that could have injured both relatives were a danger to the rescuers. Praise god no one was injured during the search. There were signs of this situation coming on from which your aunt sadly wanted to hide. So again, looking at these situations objectively is always important for more than just the immediate family.

In skilled care, the staff is well trained to care for the patients with dementia. They are trained to recognize signs and symptoms of outbursts BEFORE they happen and create calming situations for the patient so they stay in a more home like environment. The family members all have the opportunity to visit with the dementia patient in a safe caring environment. There is support for the entire family to understand these changes. Everyone in the family is cared for instead of total focus on the one who is ill. Part of being responsible is ensuring safety for everyone. The family that learns all they can about this illness of dementia and adjusts the living situation and the disease progresses to meet the needs of everyone in society is the most loving.

Greekies,

Thanks for the wonderful explaination about dementia. I always wondered about the times when my uncle would come into the yard and want to play with us kids instead of sit at the table with the adults.

He used pretend guns out of sticks and really made up fun games.

ONe thing I was really glad of when he went downhill. They did not run him back and forth to the ER. When his breathing slowed down and he got less oxygen, he was able to stay in his room and receive care instead of being trucked into an ambulance with people he did not know and who did not understand his needs.

It is a nice memory to know he was cared for in his own bed and not dragged back and forth to the hospital constantly in those last months of life. Unlike mom who was stuck with a martyr for a caregiver and kept taking her against her will until the rest of us had to step in and put a stop to it.

I like skilled care for that reason too. Everyone has equal access. Dealing witht the martyr who "gave up her life" to "care for mom" was a nightmare that created a rift in the family

Sunnybunn,

You are right about checking into skilled care before the need arises.
There is one thing that you have not mentioned here that still needs to be addressed. That is the parent whose child care giver refuses to see the signs of impending death and continues on like life can go on forever.

It is so easy for children to keep parents in the god like roles that we believed as young children that some will forget that they are human after all. Some children become so focused on the CARE part they forget that the parent is in fact dying. When the child gives up their life except for this care giving role, there is real danger that the parents wishes and health will be ignored and the child care giver will get caught up in the constant treadmill of thinking there is always recovery. They even refuse to accept the parents right to refuse medical care in an attempt to keep them alive longer.
It is a very sad situation for the dying parent who is trapped with a child who is unwilling to provide a loving caring environment in which to die.

Skilled care has objective medical care givers who can provide peace and advise family and keep the dying safe from such intrusion. I pity the parent who is trapped with a child care giver who refuses to accept the parents death and forces them to the ER and hospital and physical therapy in a desperate effort to prolong the dying process for the parent out of misguided sense of duty or love. Even the worst skilled care is better than being trapped in a home where ones wishes are so totaly ignored that the care givers refuse to see that everyone must and will die and the last act of love they can give to a dying parent is to allow them peace and rest at the end of life.

Harpie,

Just wanted to say thanks for sharing your wise and compassionate view on this.

p.s. It's difficult, especially for a parent/child caregiving situation, to know when "enough is enough". It's even more difficult and confusing when there is an absence of clear guidance from the docs involved.

Of course, the doctors aren't God and, in the end, God is the one who decides...but still very difficult.