Caregivers Support Group

Hello....Here is my story in a nutshell. My father had a stroke about 4 years ago, he was always a very independent person and had recently retired and loved driving out to the farm and going to the coffee shop and hanging out with his male friends. My mother was still working (as a Social Worker, none the less...with a psychology minor) so this never seemed to bother her. He always pretty much gave her what-ever she wanted and never argued or told her no to anything. She was always kind of controlling even with us kids and especially after going back to college and getting her masters in Social Work, she felt she could psychoanalyze us and for some reason got a superior attitude and began acting like she was better than everyone else. But my Dad didn't mind and if she got to him, he'd just jump in the pick-up and go find peace at the farm. Well, after my father's stroke he has turned into a totally different person. He has lost the filter between his brain and his mouth. So what before he would have THOUGHT but never said....he is now blurting it out to my mother. (Which she obviously finds offensive and hurtful) But he really doesn't mean or want to make her mad....he just can't control it. My mother at this point is obviously extremely angry and hurt about how he treats her and she says that "we just don't understand" She won't allow my father to go to the coffee shop by himself....she ALWAYS has to go with him. She won't even let us kids take him without her going along to "because we just don't understand" She won't let him do ANYTHING!! He is totally at her mercy. He has mentioned SEVERAL times that he would just rather die than continue to live like this....that it is just not a life to be so help-less and controlled. He just wants some of his independence back. He also said that my mother won't even touch him anymore and it is very hurtful as sometimes he'd just like to have a hug!?! Super sad. There are obviously MANY more issues going into these family dynamics....for example my mother does NOT keep a clean house. So it is difficult for him to even walk around. The kitchen is disgusting and if he tries to clean it she freaks out because he may drop a dish and break something. So he can't even try to help. He can't find a clean towel to do laundry....so he just doesn't bathe. So yes....I feel we have a huge issue, but I do not know how to help at this point. I do not live close so only speak to my father via telephone. One year I went home and spent a month cleaning her house...but it is now RIGHT back to where it was. Filthy!!! If we try to talk to her she says we just don't understand. If we try to pick up the house she starts freaking that we are going to throw something important away.
So you all as caregivers....please what can I as a child do to help my parents at this point???? I am trying to find a therapist or stroke counselor in the area for ME to go to when I'm home in a couple of weeks and maybe they can recommend someone. The living conditions are almost bad enough to call Social Services as far as I'm concerned....but as my mother worked for them for so long....I'm sure they would do nothing, and they'd obviously tell her who reported it. I think the best thing is to just get them BOTH into counseling....but my mother does not think she needs it! She is a therapist herself, how dare us kids tell her she needs therapy!?! We just don't understand?? Any help or recommendations you all can give me are GREATLY appreciated. Thanks in advance!
Posted on 07/20/12, 05:53 pm