Caregivers Support Group

hello just4today, good evening. i am so sorry that you are going thro tough path in this caregiving journey. You ar every great and wonderful daughter and your parents are lucky to have you. I like ur username 'just4today'.

What I feel is: please do not worry of getting angry with your dad..its okay..but just remembering that you are actually not getting angry with your dad..infact u are angry at the situation but as humans..we show our anger to our closest loved ones. So..just slowly remind yourself..you are never angry with your dad..okay. please do not feel guilty about that.

Coming to getting angry with yourself..please be gentle..afterall..we are humans right ?? I know it is tough..but again try slowly to be gentle with yourself.

Just remember your username 'just4today' EVERYDAY..all we need to do is..be gentle with our loved one, be gentle with your own self and try to do whatever you can (ONLY WHATEVER YOU CAN and leave the rest to GOD) ONLY FOR TODAY.

Just one day at a time.. do not please think much of tomorrow..when tomorrow comes..we will again focus on only ONE DAY..when day-after-tomorrow comes..we will again focus only for that day..so that feels little relief that we need not worry forever.

I know its easier said than done..but why not we iwll try to focus just for today..whatever we can. Also..as a caregiver..its a very very tough job in the entire world..okay. so..please try to do whatever best you possibly can. do not worry for perfection at all. the reason is..just being bets and not worrying of perfection will keep your mind and your dad's mind at ease. once the mind is at ease..the physical pain does not seem that much of an issue. the happiness at the mind level overrides the physical comfort.

my prayers again that God sends you and your dad his warmth and grace and hope you feel energenic to take just one day ata time. Please be proud of yourself of caring for ur dad. not many people undertake this task of caregiving..you are a scarificinga nd a great wonderful daughter..give a gentle pad on your back reminding that you are an extraordinary person to travel this journey of caregiving.

Regards,
bh.

Hi

Sorry you are feeling so overwhelm. Has he seen a psycologist? Have you? Talking to one has helped us tremendously.

Remember the love,,,,,in the most stressful times,,,,the hardest.

Ask him what he wants. A heart to heart, and listen. It's very hard for parents to accept reversing the roles,,,not easy,,,possible?,,,Yes!!

When my mom is losing it with my dad, she complaints to me on the phone, so frustrated , I talk about him dying, how she will miss him,,then peace seems to come to her, and love will resurrect.

Alma

Welcome to DS. Feel free to vent away as you need. We are all in the same or similar boat here and can relate, really.

Sounds like you could use some respite time as you are his 24/7 caregiver. Check with his insurance and the local office for the aging to see what is available to you. Sometimes you can get help to come in so you can get a break. Sometimes you can get in home physical therapy. He may be depressed, you might want to address this with his dr. If his mood improves he may be more willing to exercise etc.

You are lucky that at least if the time comes you can't take care of him that your siblings will understand. You are to be commended. Not many would or could do it.

Don't feel guilty for feeling mad at your dad. In you heart you know that his "no" means he won't get better and that hurts. When he says no to you ask him why he doesn't want to attempt to improve his strength. You may have to remind him that if he can't improve you may not be able to care for him at home. I know it seems like a threat but in most of these situations its the truth. Seems you are doing all you can. Maybe a little help through respite could help.

Hi Hun....So sorry you're going through such a rough time. If it makes you feel less alone....alot of people, including myself are going through very similar situations. I care for my sister, she's only 43...and she goes through the "giving up" stage allll the time. She stays in bed most of the time, barely ever takes a shower, and constantly focuses on her illness. I get so frustrated and angry at times....but I bottle it up and keep my mouth shut...which I know only makes my feelings worse.

Are you getting any support from your family? Does anyone else offer to step in and give you some "me" time?

You are a wonderful daughter! To take on the responsibility you've chosen to undertake is something most people wouldn't dare attempt.

I hope things start to look up for you and I'm here if you need to vent...anytime.....

Good luck....take care!

Chrissy

thanks everyone for the advice and support . I asked my sisters if i could get away for a weekend but they said they dont want to see my dad naked(i hate it myself but what can i do). I have a call into his insurance company to see if there is any help i can get. I will just continue with what i am doing hid my anger and frustrartion from dad and keep pushing forward. I get to go out this wed. dad has a doctor appt.

Hi

That's such an insulting answer from your sisters.

I would write them a loving letter:

We love dad, yet I'm the only witness to his pain.
We love dad, yet I'm the only one trying to make his life easier.
We love dad, yet I'm here day and night for/with him.

Some of the things I do, I don't want/like but I do out of love.
Love is not only for the good times, love is doing for our love one things we never imagine we would.
Love is caring about that person's wellbeing,,,,I have to say right now we both need some love.


Or something like that,,,

Alma

I told them they can't have their weekly visit until they can learn to help with something. They visit my dad once a week for like an hour. They think does not notice but he does. He asks me all the time why they don't come more often i just try to make it easy on him and say they both work long hours and they have to take care of their families.

Sounds like you are trying to STUFF feelings to me. This is never healthy. These feelings are telling you that something in your life is off. It is OK to be angry with dad when he demands more of you than you can give. That is violating your boundaries. No one can care for another around the clock without becoming exhausted. It sounds like it is time for skilled care so you can both enjoy live.

Dear golly! I can really relate to you! I have an elder who fell and is going to die in a few months time! I have to feed her, give her water, walk her to the bathroom or use the bedpan, and other things. That really ticks me off and sometimes I would snap and give her an attitude.

But really, bottling up anger doesn't solve anything. Neither does running away from me. I do guided meditations, exercise, and eat healthy.

One of the other things I suggest that you do is Oxycise!. (Look it up on the Web.) It's a breathing technique that really reduces stress. A lot of people (like me) lost inches or even pounds doing the program. Heck, I even lost 3.5 of them, 2 from waist. I lost like 5 pounds since doing it since my elder's fall. But the primary reason I do it is because a lot of my stress is lodged in my belly and throat.

To do this, inhale through your nose into the belly. Tighten your core muscles and tilt the pelvis, squeezing the buttocks. Then blow out all the air through flattened lips, keeping the muscles tight. Try to relax your face and keep your shoulders down as you do this. Do it several times, about 15 minutes for at least 5-6 days. (Also, make sure that you make time for exercise, 30 minutes per day, 4-5 times a week.)

Although there are naysayers that say that Oxycise! doesn't work for weight loss, it has worked for me to ward off caregiver stress.

I think you do need to work on those sisters to visit. Even if it is for an hour, that's an hour you could go out somewhere. I don't buy that I don't want to see him haked.....didn't he see them naked when they were children....but IMHO,,, take it slowly...if they can come for 2 hours and sit with him, you can get out....go to lunch, take an exercise class. You do need some ME time to take care of yourself. As others have said, you can't take care of anyone else unless you take care of you first. You are a brave, wonderful daughter.