Breast Cancer Support Group

I sat and cried today, harder than i ever have. i cried because of fear, anger, frustration and guilt

The guilt was because i gave birth to two daughters. I come from a long line of breast cancer survivors. My mom took DES for morning sickness and i ended up having a early hysterectomy and have battled cancer since i was 19.
I DID NOT CRY FOR MYSELF.
i cried for my daughter. She had been told 2 yrs ago that she had the breast cancer gene. i told her to remain strong, tough and to never ever give up the hope that it would somehow pass her by. I have always taught my girls that those of us who have battled this horrible disease are not VICTIMS, we are survivors and we will always be survivors. When i suffered from the reactions of chemo over the years i tried to keep them from seeing just how much it affected me and kept smiling the whole time. When i had the mastectomy and reconstruction i told them that i was getting a chance to get new and perkier breasts! i tried making it a positive thing instead of allowing them to know how i really felt.

They never witnessed me cry, faint or scream when the bandages came off the first time. They have never witnessed my tears over the years since the botched reconstruction. I have always battled this damn pink demon with all that i had because i felt that by doing so it would keep its attention away from my girls. My oldest daughter does not have the gene but she still doesnt take chances. The youngest at 20, has it and i have silently worried constantly. Two days ago my greatest and most horrible fear came about when she called me in the bathroom and said, 'Mom, im scared, i have a lump that wasnt there 3 days ago and its getting large pretty fast."

i felt it and my heart sunk. it felt no diferent than any of the ones that i had that had been cancerous. i felt like i was going to pass out but i tried to keep the fear out of my voice and tried to be positve for her. i told her it was probably a engorged milk duct or a internal bruise from a bump playing hockey or a hickey her boyfriend had given her weeks ago.

I told her that i was making her a appointment right away with my specialist just to be safe. I called and told the Dr and he agreed to see her the same day. The ultrasound and mamograph looked fishy to him. The aspiration got no fluid so we knew it was solid. she asked what that meant and i tried explaining the best that i could that no matter what it, had too come out.

im trying so hard not to let her see the fear and if it is we will face it head on together. I hate this damn disease. It had no damn right attacking her! Why? She is young, she hasnt even had a chance to have a child. She hasnt had a chance to marry. She should not be going through this and i feel that its my fault. I knew the risks of my daughters or even sons had i had them getting breast cancer. Its one thing that i had to battle it from the age of 19 but not my daughter! Not my baby! its not right! If this disease were a person i would be blowing it to kingdom come but its not so all i can do is vent and continue helping raise funds to destroy it or find a cure. That doesnt help now though! I dont want my duaghter to join the pink ribbon sorority. Its not a club that you want to belong to or want your beloved kids being a part of. I stood beside my grandbabies crib this morning watching her nap and i started crying again because i knew that while i could give her alot of things in life the one thing i hoped i had not given her is the gene that tears so many lives apart.

If i could talk to the breast cance rright now i would tell it this "LEAVE HER ALONE, TAKE ME, DONT TOUCH HER, PLEASE!!!! TAKE ME INSTEAD AND NEVER TOUCH ONE OF MY DAUGHTERS OR GRANDDAUGHTERS I BEG OF YOU.

Im sorry that im venting here but its that or scream and let her see how scared i am for her
Posted on 01/16/08, 12:41 pm