Breakups & Divorce Support Group

Sorry you’re hurting but so glad you found us. Everyone here has/is going through the same thing you are. We understand and offer support, advice and even an occasional laugh.

There are things that we don't want to happen but have to accept, things we don't want to know but have to learn, and people we can't live without but have to let go.

One of the hardest things to do in life is to let go of a relationship. No matter what the cause of a breakup, learning to let go just often isn't easy to do. It could be the one that got away, a first love, a spouse, a boyfriend or girlfriend, or unrequited love. Regardless of the situation, learning to let go of what's over is often a very difficult thing to do and the hurt can often last for years if a person simply won't break the hold.

Recovering from the horrible pain and hurt of a broken relationship is no easy task. When love is found, one naturally wants to believe it will last forever. And it's great when it does. But when it doesn't, the hurt and pain can be devastating. But even more devastating can be the pain and suffering the person experiences from not letting go of what's gone and moving on with living.

Turning off feelings for someone isn't like turning off a light switch. When a relationship ends, it doesn't mean the feelings disappear or go away. Being left alone with feelings of emptiness, loneliness, anger, grief, rejection, and despair can prove to be overwhelming. The person might find themselves attempting to contact the other person, making up reasons to be where the other person is, calling them repeatedly, etc....anything to keep in contact with the other person or have some kind of hold or attachment still with them. And while it's a natural thing to want to do this, it prevents us being healed of the relationship.

In order to let go and live again, the past must be closed. It is impossible to live in the past. You can't look forward to a future when you live in what was, rather than in the here and now. What has happened is gone, and no amount of wanting, wishing, or regret will undo or changed what's already happened and is over with.

To put closure on the past, you have to let go of the feeling that you can't make it without the other person. Feelings of failure, trying to contact the person (unless you have children together), dependency, guilt, resentment, and anger... all of these feelings must be dealt with and brought under control. While they are normal to feel, continuing to harbor them keeps you from being healed of the hurt, and therefore keeps you from living and being happy again.

Often when a relationship ends, one or both parties have the mindset that they are a failure. They measure their self worth by whether a relationship lasted or died. One's self worth should never be measured by another person, but rather how they are. When you love yourself, you will learn that yourself worth does not revolve around another person but rather is enhanced by the other person.

While there is just no way to magically heal the pain and hurting of a lost relationship, there are ways to help yourself heal. The main thing is that you have to allow yourself to want to heal, and not keep clinging to something that you simply cannot change.

Stop beating yourself up over the past. It's done, it's gone, it's not changing. No matter who is at fault for the breakup, no amount of blaming yourself or feeling guilty will undo the past. Forgive either the other person or yourself (or both) and allow yourself to be happy again.

Unless you have children together, stop contacting the person. Don't try to be where they are, don't call them and leave them messages, don't email them, don't follow them around. Leave them alone! Continuing to attempt to be in contact with them (unless you have kids) does nothing but harass them and keep you tied to the pain.

Go out on dates with others and actually enjoy yourself. Have fun! And whatever you do, don't spend the date talking about your ex and how much you miss them and want them back. This won't lead to a second date! Go out and be happy, leave the worries behind. You might just find you had a fantastic time.

Allow yourself to heal from the breakup. Allow yourself to enjoy life again, to be happy. Allow yourself to heal from the past hurts and pain. Allow yourself the freedom to love again. Let go of the past, and be happy.

Hi Left,

Welcome to DS. Your story is very similar to mine. My ex met his skank ho at work, and as she told me, they just "clicked." I also think it was an issue of his low self-esteem, her neediness, her saying what he wanted to hear, etc. They also talked on cell several times a day as well.

He is also doing things with her he would never do with me.

At first, I did lots of self blame (if I had been nicer, skinnier, smarter, better, etc.), but I realize now it is HIS problem, not mine. He is just selfish and cowardly.

Will this last between your stbx and the skank? Who knows? Statistics are against them but who can say? You only have control over your life. Get into some counseling, hire a good attorney, and get him out of your life.

I'm so sorry you're hurting. Sending lots of healing hugs.

Hi: I read that you said he made a mistake. Sounds like you may take him back. You made a great decission to kick him out. He may have made a poor decision choosing her but that has nothing to do with you. One one the biggest things for all of us here is to let go and get on with our lives it is the hardest but I know (still working) that it will bring me happiness.

Self-blame, most of us do it.

As hurtin said "if I had been nicer, skinnier, smarter, better, etc."

I'm still a work in progress, but one conclusion I've reached is that if they don't/can't love and accept us just as we are (warts and all) we don't have anything any way. You love him that way, you should settle for nothing less from him.

I wish you all the best.