Breakups & Divorce Support Group

It would be so nice if there was an expiration date on feelings. I do know that I have to let myself feel what it is that I am feeling. Being at war with myself, trying to make myself not feel sad, for example, doesn't work. I can really only control my actions; the feelings are in charge of themselves. I also have noticed that I "get better" in an incremental way, that is, I can't see the change in myself by looking daily, but only by seeing the change over the long haul. In my good moments I value the increased sensitivity that divorce has brought to me, and understand that extreme sadness allows the possibility of extreme happiness. Is there rhyme or reason for what happened? No, perhaps not, but as an adult I am aware that, well, shit happens, and dealing with it, the best I can is what I need to do. But, yeah, sometimes, I get sad and that sucks!

I get stuck because there are still some questions I haven't learned to not care about anymore.

One should never try to forget 20 years of their lives. Honor it...the good, the bad and the ugly and put it in your treasure chest of personal history. Hell, I have many love letters, boxer shorts, poetry and so forth....at one time some of those keepsakes held so much pain, suffering and angst but, with time, they became part of my history. Someday that treasure chest will be opened by my grand children and see that grandma had game, pain and poise.

If having contact with him takes you a few steps back....you know the solution to this. Love yourself enough to put him in that treasure chest and make new history.

You are kind and have so many endearing qualities. Allow that fruit to make something happen for you and eventually, share the spoils with someone else.

it takes the heart much longer to get there than the intellect

20 years is a very long time

I was with my exS for 7, and its been 3 years since the breakup and I dont feel much about him anymore, I feel things about ME, and while that recovery is slower going, its easy for me to see the progress when I remember what I felt like a year ago...and then 2 years ago...

falling back into a place of tears and anger, I would think happens to most of us on a more and more irregular basis as time goes on, and when we do its duration is shorter and shorter. That may feel like taking a step back, but I dont think recovery is linear, I think its a process.

I hope in the big scheme of things, youre doin just fine :)

Thanks folks - I would say yes - in the grand scheme of things I am doing fine.

I think in my case Seige hit the nail on the head - saying that there are some questions I haven't learned to not care about.

It's not so much forgetting the 20 years - it's forgetting the expectations and learning to accept who and what that other person has become.

There are memories of the past 20 years I'll always treasure it's learning not to care that's difficult.

bugged, i know exactly what your saying. i had a counseling apt and asked, why after 2 years is he still in my head? my counselor told me it was because i have not replaced him yet. so until we have someone else in our lives, i guess thoughts of them are going to keep coming up. as sad and hurt as we all are, there were still good things in our relationships at one time. i don't know, i want to move on, but i don't feel ready, i'm scared to be with the same kind of guy as i have been in the past, i'm afraid thats all there is out there. i feel like i'm a magnet to them. so i go it alone for now until i'm strong enough. xoxoxoxox

I was having that stuck feeling recently.

Acceptance is how you move forward. Stop looking back and look forward.

You may think you want answers but there is a really good chance you aren't going to be satisfied with the answers you get. Might have even gotten some answers already and not accepting them. Either way, take care of your wants and needs now.

dear bugged - sorry to hear about your situation; I just got through with my divorce , after almost 18 years of marriage; it's not even possible, I think, to forget all those years of marriage; I still care about my ex, unfortunately; hes always gonna be my 'friend' no matter what. You just can't forget that many years of marriage! It's just plain impossible. He'll always be a part of my life, and I've learned to accept it. Also, I feel very grateful to him for my youngest son, who's turning 11 inext week. Also, my ex sacrificed so much to take care of me for five years after my stroke; I'll never forget that. Am not sure what your marriage was like so it's hard for me to give u advice. Please take care, and hope you'll be alright. Please hang in there, and stay strong and brave! Love always,
Annie:)

Not being stuck is so hard! It comes and goes for me. Like Zen said..it's acceptance and looking forward, not back. I'm not very good at that i suppose. There are times where i'd even call myself a masochist. There's obviously something i'm still not ready to let go of, though i'm slowly getting there.