Breakups & Divorce Support Group

My stbx and I have been like this with each other. And yeah it is confusing....because we have been confused. Breaking apart a reltationship can be very hard and confusing. Both of us have done the flip flop. I know it is unhealthy, usually it is because we want away, but then hang on to the familiar. Letting go can be hard.

When there is abuse in a relationship, the 'drama/violence/rush' is hard to break from. She knows its not healthy and you know its not healthy....my question is, have you two done anything about counseling? If it is confusing to you, can you imagine what the children are thinking/feeling?

It's a roller coaster ride my friend. Sometimes you're in the cart with your partner, holding hands tightly and enjoying the ride and other times.... it feels like you're under the wheels and your partner is handling the controls.

Write it all down, sometimes it makes sense when you see the patterns.

She probably is conflicted. I have never been in an abusive relationship, but I imagine it's going to be even more difficult to accept that it can change when it has been so volatile in the past. She may be caught between still loving you and wanting something different at the same time. Was this a mutual split or did she decide to leave you? If it was the latter, I know that in most cases, the person who left is usually very skeptical when the other person promises change or says they have changed. Sometimes they don't believe it at all. So, we have to stop talking about change and just show them. It takes time. Lasting change always does. And perhaps she is afraid if she jumps back in too quickly, old patterns will come right back to haunt the relationship.

I did not have this experience with my husband. I didn't see him leaving me and I didn't see him wanting to come back. I guess that's just how he rolls. He may have been flip-flopping in his mind, and I imagine he was, but he did not give me any indication of that.

Let her do her thing. I said this in a reply to your journal, too, but maybe if the subject comes up during one of your talks in the future, just tell her you don't want to talk about it right now. Maybe that will give her the focus she needs to decide what she really wants and give you some peace at the same time. No one likes to have their head messed with. Do the things that are within your control to ease the strain on you. It will help you make the lasting changes you need to as well, whether she comes back or not.

What Z said. Patterns are hard to break. Even if you know it's the right thing to do.

Is she seeing someone else?

ChiTown,

She says she is seeing someone but it is not physical. She says she just does not want to be lonely and it is eaiser than dealing with me because of our history.

Personally, I have mentally prepared myself for the worst. Part of me believes her, but my feelings are so raw that I cant. I know she still loves me and cares for me but she says she is not "in love" with me and does not have any desire to come back to me.

Then a week later, she will soften her stance. She will give an underlying message of hope or "maybe".

I will take the advice of not discussing this with her. Until she decides what she wants to do, there is no point in mind fucking myself anymore.

do you really believe her about this other guy? seriously?

You ask if anyone has experienced this behavior and I have and what I say here may be because I may be jaded given my situation, but I have to call bullshit! on her part.

my ex acted exactly the same way and unfortunately, I believed her too when she told me the number of the guy I saw, was someone that was just being a friend and there for her when she needed someone to talk to. My question: You can't talk to me?

Our situations may be different in how you and I are, cus I am one anyone can come talk to, I am not saying you aren't but I do not know exactly what has happened in your relationship for her to think she can not come to you. I just know, in my relationship, I was always open and welcomed her to talk. She just chose not to.

But you ask about the flip-flopping behavior and it could very well be that it is cus of the life she see's without you (and maybe with this guy), versus the life she knows with you. it is some times, that cut and dry. In my case it was, but one difference was, I didn't know for months, she had been living with her "friend" all the while keeping me flip-flopping and focusing on what I might have done wrong to make her go away and "need her space" while trying to figure out how to be her friend... oh wait, no she wanted to date me... no wait, she wanted me to be with her as we were and continue on with our relationship. It is more then one person can handle or should have to.

Having hindsight on what happened, I feel it is selfish of her to expect you to place yourself on hold, make you feel like it is up to you to work on yourself then she will decide if she will come back, and that it is ok for her to pick and choose the way your relationship/friendship will go all the while, seeing someone else and expecting you to be ok with that.

To be truthfully honest, when there are issues between two people that have committed themselves to each other, I don't know what is more important then resolving those issues and focusing on the relationship, your SO and yourself until you can figure out what it is that needs to happen.

I think instead of focusing on her and what she wants, you need to just focus on you and what you need for yourself, even if that will be without her.

ChiTown,

Thanks. I know I need to let it go but I am only 3 months into our separation so things are still new and very dynamic right now. I have been going to counseling for my anger because the abusive relationship I was in was not me. Therapy has really helped me uncover and control those "triggers".

She cant talk to me because she doesnt trust me. She says she still has the same feelings for me when we were fighting all the time and she does not want to be around that right now. But she says she sees me improving and is happy for me but she is not ready to deal with me.

Daniel,

You said one thing that really bothered me: "I know that if she wants to come back it will be on her terms."

Hey, is she a control freak or what? What happened to the idea that "we will get together and respect and treat each other each day as if it were our last with love" and all that?

I am sorry, but if it will be on her "terms," those always change. I was in a marriage for 22 years in which my ex would ask for a divorce, state the terms for staying and that was that. Needless to say this is a "power position" in a relationship. If "we" can't do it, it is not done at all . . . .