Breakups & Divorce Support Group

Counseling sounds good. Just to sort things out...

LucyLo, counseling is definitely the way to go. You must let your husband know how you feel and how important this is.

Take care and good luck!

We keep agreeing were going to do it, and I even make sure its set up, but then he doesn't want to. I get so frustrated because he IS such a good husband, but such a TERRIBLE husband at the same time.. He has made it so I don't trust him anymore.. I just know in my heart of hearts he is keeping something from me. And for so long I felt like lying to myself but deep down I know something just isn't right.

Some men have trouble expressing themselves. Dredging things up is uncomfortable.

I concur.

Counseling is what you both need need.

But first,
I recommend that you go to a counselor alone to receive coaching on how to talk to your your husband about it. You need to let your husband know, in a non-threatening way, how you feel and how important it that you two, together, fix the "something" while reassuring him that there is nothing wrong with him, and that the "something" in your marriage that just isn't right isn't all his fault.

Most people are easily hurt by that type of accusation. Even when it is unintentional and especially coming from someone they love, it hurts. They don't want to show their pain so it then comes out in the form of anger.

If you do think that it's him, that it's all his fault, and you are trying to get him to counseling to "fix" him, please share that with the counselor also. He will know what to tell you.

Good advice from all, especially NDY. You do need to let him know in a non-threatening way that you are frustrated to the point of leaving.

Whatever you do, don't continue in the marriage if you truly don't want to be there. My ex did this to me. Told me during the separation that he'd been unhappy since the first affair 24 years ago. WTF!!! Why didn't he say anything then? We reconciled but he never said why he committed adultery. Might have saved a lot of time and energy if we had parted years ago.

I hope you can work things out.

Lucy,

So much of your post sounds familiar. When we separated we had been married 3 1/2 years. When we got to point you are at, with me asking him to go to counseling and him not putting forth the effort, that was at around 2 years. He told me there was nothing wrong with our relationship. Now there is no relationship, suddenly he acknowledges we had problems, too little too late.

Private message me?

wow sounds like you are living my life! I completely understand the feelings you are feeling. Being the one that leaves can be one of the most emotionally traumatizing thing you can go through. I felt so bad about wanting to leave him that I drug it out way longer then I should have. I came right out and told him that I was not happy and that things needed to change. He didnt do anything to change, he wouldnt go to counseling, we would make an appointment and go once and then he would cancel. It takes TWO people to keep a marriage going, you can not hold it up yourself. If he wont go to counseling with you, go by yourself. I have to ask you one question. Are you willing to be in the relationship a year from now or 10 years from now with it EXACTLY the way it is today? Because it sounds like he is doing nothing to change to make the marriage better. If your not ok with how it is you wont be ok with it a year from now. He is chosing to not take your marriage seriously, that is not your fault and you should not feel guilty that he is letting the marriage die.

I would suggest you sit down and write out what you see as the problems in your relationship, what you see as possible solutions and maybe even possible consequences. Rewrite it a few times if you need to, then sit down with him and let him know that things aren't "so perfect" like he thinks. Be prepared for him to downplay your list or try to tell you that you have the problem, not him. You definitely need to communicate that this won't go away if he ignores it, but you might. He's not going to act until he is forced to.