Breakups & Divorce Support Group

I know exactly what you mean! And no there is nothing you can do about it. He will always be like this. The only person you can help is you.

Oh yeah, you have just described my STBX..In public and around his friends he is one person, at home he was a different person..Same with the counseling.

As far as a solution, I do not know what to tell you because I am divorcing my STBX..Not just for this issue alone..

People often put on a "public persona" that fits how they want to be seen by others who do not know them well.

My sister, was a "frugal" person at home, but to the outside world she always wanted to seem "generous". Don't get me wrong I loved my late sister. Just thought if you saw it from a different point of view you might see how this works.

I'm a bit of a "fraidy cat"..but try to project myself as very self confident to people who do not know me.

It's really not that unusual.

My ex was like that. He would bend over backwards for his buddies, was really friendly, but at home, completely different

My wife wore a hat when she was out. When she got home, she would take it off to expose the horns...

Mine has shown many different sides just to me, from the most charming, wonderful, responsible, kind, generous, loving spouse to being mean-spirited, secretive, resentful, lying, evasive, irresponsible. It wasn't a public/private thing. It could have to do with his being an alcoholic--but he showed all these sides while sober. It has been very confusing for me, and also I think I have had more trouble letting go because I keep dwelling on the great side of him, who I like to believe is who he really is. However, truthfully, they are all different true parts of him, alas.

My stbx is apparently happy at work (friends have told me)then when he comes home he may give me a hug,have his supper then sit with his head in his hands for a while,ive stopped asking if he is ok as he usually shrugs his shoulders and denies there is a problem.Hes still leaving, doesent know when or where hes going to go,then next minute hes a total stranger,grumpy,rude,etc etc.
Then he tells me he loves me,what is going on? he wont even consider a counselor

Mine did this too. I don't have a solution, either and being that I tended to overcompensate for him and enable his behavior, (I realize I need to work on this for future relationships) then...But yes..He is Mr. I'll Get The Bill, which meant to me that I would have to juggle the grocery money, do without family vacations...He is very generous with himself and likes to brag about and show off his purchases, but wasn't the one dealing with the banks to keep us out of forecloser. The latest deal was buying a new exhaust system for his Harley. Was going to have so and so tune them because they were the "best!" (meaning more expensive, too). Heck, he is still paying for the pipes he had installed when he bought the bike! duh. He is all about bragging rights and trying to keep up with other friends. Counseling? Naw...he goes a few times, then stops because I am sure he doesn't want them to get him to realize he has problems.

I would like to add that hopefully, in time, he will start to let his true self out in counseling, especially if you have a skilled counselor--and then maybe you can both really deal with the issues or at least deal with how difficult it is for you and strategies you can both use to bring more harmony to this. I hope he would be able to be honest and not say that you are just imagining this.

Here we go.
Your happiness is not and should not be connected to how your husband treats you.
Tell your tharapist that you cant be happy unless he treats you well and see where that will take you.
You cant change him but you can change yourself.
It may seem hard and daunting . But you will be happeir in the long run.
There are several women heree that said to hell with how he is treating me and I want to live a life without fear of how that man is treating me.
Walking on eggshells is no fun
Aks some of the women here how they got over that.
And hold on to your butt cuase your life will change for the better.
Matt