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Discussion:
How Do You Feel Better About Yourself?
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Thanks to everyone on here in the past few days with all of the words of advice and encouragement.

I know that I have to work on me and concentrate on myself, my future, and healing.

How can I start feeling better about myself? I feel like an outcast, ostracized, like I don't belong anywhere right now.

I read a post somewhere on here where someone talked about listing the good things about yourself instead of looking at the bad and how those things affected my marriage. Well, I will give it a try: I am loving, forgiving, charitable, funny, giving, accepting, helpful.....

That's a start.

Please share with me how each of you has worked on feeling better about yourselves even with everything each of you is currently going through.

I feel like a terrible human being for how I made my wife feel. Even with her infidelity, I am taking it on myself. I need a helping hand here....thank you.
Posted on 10/06/13, 07:56 am
25 Replies | Most Recent Add Your Reply
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Reply #21 - 10/10/13  7:58pm
" Accept that where you are at is just a stage of this journey you are on. It is very hurtful but you will grow in ways you never could have before.

Rick I know it's important to you to forgive your wife but be careful. I think we rush into the forgiveness and we don't want to be angry because that way is not what we believe is the right way to do it. I can tell you where it got me. ... 2 1/2 more years of forgiving him and trying to reconcile just to catch my ex cheating with same girl.

I am now 7 months completely split from him yet almost 3 YEARS divorced. Now I am not willing to forgive him where it doesn't reopen the door. When I am completely over him I will work on the forgiveness. For now I embrace my anger. I'm not vindictive. I just cut all communication with him. My anger towards him and what he has done to me and our kids makes me stronger. I am finding the person I used to be after 30 years pre marriage marriage and now post marriage.

I agree you need to forgive your wife but not right now. Later. "
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Reply #22 - 10/10/13  10:35pm
" lori 47....I understand what you are saying. Please note that you may not know all of what I have posted over the past two weeks. Unfortunately, for quite some time, I neglected my wife and her physical needs and rejected her affections due to the illnesses that I was suffering and afraid to address. I also lost the faith in God that was important to me when we first met and dated.

It turned me into someone I didn't want to be....and I didn't see it. She asked me last year to go to counseling and I didn't think we needed it because I had gotten so complacent and lazy in our daily relationship.

So now that you know this, do you still think I should hold off forgiving her? Please share.... "
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Reply #23 - 10/11/13  1:59am
" I'm struggling with the same thing right now. It's kind of "funny" in a way because I feel like the great qualities you mentioned about yourself play a role in why you feel so bad and are taking so much blame...if that makes sense? You are a loving, forgiving, giving person, and sometimes people with big hearts get hurt the worst.

Right now I try to remind myself in moments where I feel guilty and sad that I have handled things exactly how I wanted to and I've been true to myself through everything. That's really all you can do. We can't control other people but we can control how we feel. Keep reminding yourself of your great qualities. We all have flaws, and that is ok. They don't define you! If I feel like I am making healthy choices for myself and acting in a way that makes ME proud, I feel better about myself, no matter what. "
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Reply #24 - 10/11/13  9:07am
" Before my divorce, my wife and I sought marriage counseling. Due to our marital state at that time, the counselor decided we should each have a few sessions with seperate counselors alone, and then continue in counseling with both therapists present. During the private one-on-one counseling I was as honest with the counselor as I have ever been with anyone in my life. I owned up to my faults, my weaknesses. I wanted to save my marriage with all my heart. During these sessions the therapist said something to me that has indelibly stuck in my head ever since. He told me that I need to set boundaries in my life as how I will be treated by other people, and to defend those boundaries. I have done that and I will no longer be anyone's doormat. I will no longer allow toxic people in my life, and if someone wants to walk away from me, I will hold the door for them. I am not arrogant, mean, or confrontational, just won't tolerate being treated less than I deserve. It has helped me immensly. Set boundaries......defend those boundaries. We all deserve to be treated like the works of God we are, with love and respect. Show the same to others. "
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Reply #25 - 10/11/13  11:52am
" Like NW16, counseling helped me to set boundaries and establish a solid identity for myself. In addition, I was able to step back and look at my life with my ex objectively. I owned up to all of my mistakes and took 100% of the responsibility for MY actions and choices. I learned to separate my choices and actions from hers and no longer took any blame for HER choices and behaviors. It also helped me to feel better about myself because I know that I did absolutely everything I could to try and make the marriage work. I do not have a single, "if I'd only tried this" or "if I'd only done this". I am disappointed that things didn't work out the way that I would have liked, but I am much happier now that I am no longer in an unbalanced, unhealthy relationship.

People will likely treat you differently for a while .... but it is only a short time UNLESS you keep acting like you deserve to be treated differently. I had some great friends that helped me understand that I was a great guy and that I deserved to be happy. My older brother was also a huge help. Even though he and I have never had a strong relationship, he made time for me and was a great sounding board as I was going through the most painful periods of my divorce. I will be forever grateful for the things he did for me during that time. I wish he was still around, but unfortunately, he died of a drug overdose several years ago.

Positive affirmations are a good place to start. Talk yourself up instead of down.

Get exercise: I did a lot of walking, swimming, and played volleyball to help me feel better.

I read a lot of books - some self help type, some inspirational stories, some fun fictional books ... stuff to keep my mind occupied during the down times so I didn't sit around and ruminate on things that would make me depressed. I also played the piano for the same reasons.

I spent time with my children; going to the park, swimming, movies, or just throwing a ball around in the yard. It was very therapeutic to see them smile and laugh (particularly because I knew how painful the divorce was on them).

I hung out with a divorce support group for a couple of months. We'd have dinner, discuss our situations, and things that helped us to feel better.

I used this website to get support and encouragement as I worked through my issues and disappointment.

Find things that work for you. Good luck. "

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