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The loss of hope
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Well, it is over, no hope is left

Just had a very serious conversation with my soon to be ex-wife, and the outcome of it was that no matter what happens, no matter what we do, I do, or anything, she is DONE. There is no hope of reconciliation, no chance of ever getting back together, she is firm, she is never going to change her mind. We are never, ever getting back together.

So now I have to give up all hope. I have to move forward. I have to convince myself that there is someone else out there that will love me for who I am, not what she wanted me to be. Someone that will see me as the kind, caring person I am, and not equate that with being a "child" (her words). All I wanted was to make her happy, to make us happy, but I guess that won't happen.

I am struggling with three things though:

1) If I had done things differently in the past, we would never have gotten to this point. If I had treated her better, not pushed her away, she never would have done the same to me. I have to find a way to forgive myself, to concentrate on moving forward, to ensure that I never act that way again, but no matter how hard I try, I keep falling back into guilt, self-recrimination, and depression about my actions or lack thereof.

2) I still love her. How can I move forward when all I want is to fix it with her. I feel helpless. If we are done, I should want to move forward with the rest of my life, to start the rebuilding process, but all I can think about is what I have lost. I find myself constantly thinking about the good times we had together, the laughter, the happy moments, and it makes me horribly sad and depressed compared to where I am now.

3) Anger, rejection and fear. She told me this morning that all of her friends, fellow workers at her jobs, and even some almost strangers have told her how much HAPPIER she looks now that we are divorcing. And she admits that she is HAPPY about this, that she is moving forward without me. While she still "loves" me and "cares about me", she is HAPPY that we are splitting. She told me that she thinks our relationship has been toxic. That I cannot grow with her around, that we are a terrible match and that she wishes she had never married me. How can she think that? How can she be HAPPY about this? She told me that she is also sad, but more sad about the loss of potential or sad that her life has ended up here instead of where she wanted it to be. Not sad about losing me. I feel completely rejected, and utterly alone and that makes angry and scared about the future.

Thank you all for listening to me. The past two weeks have been the hardest of my entire life and just knowing that there are people out there that have survived similar things makes me feel a little better.
Posted on 01/18/13, 11:45 am
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Reply #1 - 01/18/13  12:07pm
" hurting513 - Hand in there. You are not the only one going through this but I personally know just how horrible it feels because I am in the same darkness you are. Each of us has this pain and think that no one else could ever feel what we are feeling...and you are right because each of us suffers in our own pain. Prayers for all of us in this darkness that light will someday shine us to better days. "
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Reply #2 - 01/18/13  2:52pm
" I am sorry your going through this and it is hard but I will tell you this from experience that you will come out stronger and better. I can honestly it was my my bottom but from there I came up and I am probably at 44 the best person I have EVER been in my life. I have discovered that no two people are tied to one another and that at times two good people can not be good for each other and it only takes one to realize that. My ex and I had the most toxic relationship based on abuse, lies and alcohol on his part and NO I was not perfect but I did the best I could with what I had. Finally in the end I couldn't do it anymore with the physical abuse and I left but not before he tried to kill me. The pain in just that painful but it doesn't last forever even thou it feels like it. The one thing I notice in your message was you stating how can you move on without her. You have to I didn't have a choice. I simply grieved for a period of time I actually gave my self a certain amount of days then I said that is it enough is enough and I turned it to a positive as much as I could. I focused on ME and what I can do to fix myself to be a better more loving person so I realized that I didn't love myself and I hadn't for some time. I had lost myself in the marriage and raising my kids and taking care of a man that was out of control. I made a bucket list and started doing things with others and made it a point to meet up with friends I hadn't seen in some time to let them know I valued their friendship but I wasn't well and even just meeting for coffee was a great time. I then started eating right and lost weight and joined a bowling league and before I knew it I had almost every night booked with something to do to take my mind off of my divorce and with constant counseling and a positive outlook I am a 100% different person than I was when I was married. I had to be I deserved to be and life is so much better. It wasn't easy but it was so worth every bit of pain to have come out on the other side healthy and living. Happiness is this very minute because we are not guaranteed anything else so go out and enjoy life and acceptance is the KEY... B~ "
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Reply #3 - 01/18/13  3:49pm
" Instead of focusing on who may be out there for you in the future, instead focus on you, on the inside. Become the person you really want to be, and not for her, or anyone else, but for you. Because a better you will be attractive to other women. At some point in the future, when you've done the work on yourself, you will be in a good place to start dating again. But you have to do the work first. It's hard, but not impossible. Many on here have been through the same thing and have come out the other side better people. You can too. "
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Reply #4 - 01/18/13  4:13pm
" I remember those first days and weeks after my ex told me she was filing for divorce, I blamed myself for everything, felt like the world had ended and there was no hope. While I had a part in the end of my marriage it wasn’t all my fault, the world didn’t end, there was still hope for me and there is hope for you. I know you’re hurting and can’t image life without her in it but that isn’t true, life will go on and in time you will get over this pain. What you have to do is take care of yourself now, friends, family and therapy helped me in the beginning. Vent your thoughts and fears here, listen and take the advice of this large group of caring people who have been through what you going through. I hate this is happening to you but like Subway said hang in there it will get better. "
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Reply #5 - 01/19/13  9:29am
" The beginning is so wroughtwith emotion...anger, sadness, resentment, fear, loss, etc....that it's not the best time to make a determination. Of course, most of us have done the, "If I had....if only...If I had changed..." routine but, the bottom line is, if you HAD changed all your " bad" stuff, there is no guarantee something else wouldn't have popped up and replaced it. Basically, people are who they are; some click with certain others, some not.

I wouldn't worry so much about the next one, or being loved, etc. This isn't the time to worry about dating, etc. This is YOU time. I think a lot of people jump right from one to the next, without having self-reflected or tried to build up their independence, etc to be happy about themselves.

It all takes TIME. It seems like a downward spiral right now, but it will get better...hang in there! "
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Reply #6 - 01/19/13  9:46am
" 5 years or so I went through the same thing, married to a beautiful girl, had a beautiful daughter, thought all was going well - to be together till death do us part. Then started hearing rumors that she was cheating on me. I said I really cant believe that she would be that stupid as she came from a very poor family and had everything she wanted including my love and caring forever. Well finally got proof that it was true and confronted her. Hardy an apology, no remorse. I tried to put it behind me for the sake of our daughter and move on. Then one day I can home and she had moved out taking all her clothes, her brother was staying over night and robbed me of all the money he could find and she was gone and shortly filed for divorce.. I am in my late 50's, she is younger - I was crushed, could not eat or sleep or work..
BUT I did just a few things that turned my life around and put me on my feet and back into life in just 2 weeks. First, I always prayed throughout my life, but from that night until this day I got on my knees and prayed every night. Second I have always wanted to read the Bible, so I started reading every night before bed - This gave me strength. Third I started thinking of my self instead of her, that she cheated on me and that I was the better person. Like most married couples after time you put on a little weight , so I started working out, walking every day, listening to up beat music while I did. I started to look and feel better and knew I could over come this that she was the loser not me, I did not smoke, was a light social drinker, hard worker, kind, considerate, never cheated, she would be very very hard to replace ME, that I was the better
And withing just 2 weeks I started to feel myself again, got thinner, in shape, stronger of mind and body, soul and spirit and.
The trick I think is to think of yourself as the beter person, make yourself strong again and life will come back to you, it may take longer, but it will happen, have faith, be strong. Then some time later on line I met the girl I should have met when I was 20 years old. Fate intervened she is the sweetest, kindest, most uneslfesh person In the world and she had been there all the time. So when life slaps you to your knees, it is just a test to see who you are, get up and move forward, there is some one much better just waiting for you to meet them and you will be happier than you could ever have imagined - This is a true story and you can do it too "
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Reply #7 - 01/19/13  12:23pm
" "most young women see their husbands as father figures. when the women start to grow up, they leave the nest."

That the old thinking that did not come from women and we don't want to have sex with our fathers. But we leave when control makes it like that. "
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Reply #8 - 01/19/13  5:42pm
" Hello there......I could wrote that myself......I am going through the same....I wanted to reach out and tell you that your not alone, and your feelings are normal. I love my husband although he walked away like I was nothing to him. The rejection is so intense.......try not to blame yourself.....commitment has to come from both sides. Try to take it one day at a time,and focus on healing. "
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Reply #9 - 01/20/13  4:37pm
" You are definitely NOT alone....we are all here for similar reasons. My husband told me he was unhappy and our marriage was "not fixable" on Nov. 7th and it has been a roller coaster of emotions the past couple months. I was far from perfect, but I always tried to communicate and he would never share his feelings. Not until he decided divorce did he talk ever. My faith in God has been my biggest help and a few friends who I can truly trust. NEVER give up! I really believe everything happens for a reason and your next chapter isn't written yet, but could very possibly be the best one yet. "

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