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Commitment & Timeline Issues
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i am a 36...and a half!! year old woman. I was previously engaged and had a devastating end to that 4 year relationship. The most difficult part for me was not the loss of that person but the loss of the idea i would have a traditional family with a husband. Sure I am open to adoption or sperm donor but want to have my own child and regardless of any child outcome, want to have a committed marriage.
I have been dating a really wonderful guy for 8 months now. He is 41 and in medical school, second career changer. He has about a year and a half to go and has expressed he is not ready for marriage yet but definitely wants to continue to develop our relationship and he does want a family ultimately. I am having a very difficult time trying to decide whether I can choose to put my timeline for having children on hold because he is not at that point in his life. I love him and think he would make a very wonderful husband but feel I would put my fertility further at risk to the point it might not be a choice if I wait this out. Furthermore, why isn't he adjusting his time line based on our ages? People do all kinds of crazy things during pregnancy, why is medical school an excuse? Posted on 08/28/12, 11:56 pm |
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a man is supposed to put his career first. after all, most women put their kids first. he might be sensing that you see him pretty much as a means toward having what you really want - a baby. plus, he has only been seeing you for eight months. you and he have to bond well first before you should seriously consider marriage and children. he might just be cautious as he gets to know you.
or, he might be a player who is leading you on. you will have to figure out where everything really stands. the good news is that you can win either way because you could always adopt even if still single within your expected time frame. 
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I have to agree. You both have an agenda here. You were commited to this idea of forging a family before ever meeting him. It's an expectation, it seems, if one is to consider a relationship with you at all.
He, on the other hand, is still trying to forge himself, as evidence by the career changes. I certainly can see how pregnancy watch, diapers, and sleepless nights might be a dangerous distraction for someone learning to save lives. Don't get me wrong,hHe sounds like a great guy. Try and remind yourself that you've been together for less time then you will even carry this child. It's a big commitment. What's another 18 months? And as Ol' Faithful here said, adoption IS still on the table. Your child, your friend and companion for the entirety of your life could be out there, right now. Waiting for you.
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I don't see the difficulty.
You are in a good relationship, and even if you get out of that, how are you going to... get in another relationship, stabilize that, and try to have kids in a condensed period of time. You really can't have a stable family with .
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If having a child is your number one priority then I think you need to go find yourself a donor and have one. Otherwise, this gentleman has a strong career goal in mind and is being completely honest with you about his plans. I think having the expense of a kid while he's still accumulating bills from attending medical school sounds very unwise. Plus I think your asking a bit much after dating him only eight months. Yes, your getting older, but that is not his to answer for. He hasn't dated you that long and shouldn't be asked to carry that weight. That's why I say, if having a baby is what you really want, then he may not be available for the time frame you have established for yourself.
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Yeah, sorry, 8 months and you are already talking marriage and children with this guy? Wow - I'm amazed he's not running for the hills.
If you want a child, get a donor. DO NOT get pregnant (by mistake) by this guy and expect it to turn out well. Also, if I were you I would not mention it again to him. It sounds like a pretty high expectation from a virtual stranger.
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I am with the others. and Sandy especially: you hardly know the man.
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I can see your dilemna about time running out, but I think when you focus on the idea of giving a child a good life versus just the having a child part, the choice of your partner is critical. I'm raising my kids ok after divorce but if I could give them a childhood without a broken home, I would. I guess my point is that it would be nice if things turned out well (you meet a guy fast, he's perfect, you have kids) but I think if you include a goal to have kids quickly in your dating/marriage criteria it may push you into a relationship too soon or with the wrong guy.
It's not fair - you shouldn't be in a position of possibly losing a chance to have a traditional family, but it's the cards you have been dealt. I think Sandy is right about the donor thing - if having a child is critical immediately, focus on that. If having a life partner is critical, focus on that. If you put the two together, it may throw you off your ability to really pick the right partner and picking the wrong one could do tremendous damage to a child (and you).
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It sounds like you have your life all planned out, and are just looking for someone to fill the "husband/father" role. That is not a recipe for success. You have many years of fertility left. I work with 2 women who got pregnant at 43, and 1 of them went on to have a second child at 45. You have children for 18 years, but you have a life partner for hopefully the rest of your life. That is the important relationship to foster. The rest may come in time, or not. Do you want to end up being a single parent because you picked the wrong husband/father due to time constraints? I'm doing it now, and it's really hard. And hard on the children. Don't be in such a rush. There are always alternatives for having a child. Put your relationship first. If you can't do that, then cut this guy loose because he has a lot on his plate right now.
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People move at different speeds. A lot of people think it is natural to be talking about a future after 2 or 3 months, where others, think its way too soon. Its about finding a commonality and fit for ourselves.
If this relationship is important, then let it flow. What will come will come. Its Ok to have discussions of the future, its actually really important when you are in a serious committed relationship. But you also have to find some sort of medium to make a relationship work. If his comment about ultimately having a family was in relation to you and he having one in time, then I would suspect you are going to be Ok at "your age". which really isn't that old. but if he isn't even committed to the idea of you two being together in that family idea, then you need to make a decision on what fits you. you can also option to freeze some of your eggs, no? best of luck.
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Thank you for your replies. I think it is correct that time line expectations are different for everyone. For me personally, I really am looking for a relationship that leads to marriage. I know I will adopt rather than not having a child at all, however to all the mothers, single, divorced or whatever your circumstances, can you imagine not having a had your child? It is an emotional struggle for me every day to think this may not happen for me. Therefore, a lot of pressure to make it happen. I know we cannot MAKE things happen but it is a difficult process to remind myself of that.
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