Breakups & Divorce Support Group

I never looked at it like that, but I did see that has limbo...going between the two choices, not sure which I wanted to follow.

I chose to end it...when I knew, in my heart, I had done all I could. He was not willing to meet me halfway, and there's only so much you can do by yourself.

I've never had experience being with an addict, so I don't think I can speak to that....but I do know that it's easy (from what ppl have told me) to enable...and there'sa fine line between enabling and supporting.

What are your thoughts? Do you think you tend to listen to the Angel more or the Devil?

Trying, thats a good question.......is 50/50.....

but when I have that gut feeling that he is out drinking because he doesnt call, the devil kicks in!!

and then when I hear his voice, the Angel kicks in!!

see where I am coming from?

I completely see where you're coming from...and please remember, I don't have experience with this particular issue, but what you just described seems like a cycle of some sort...He drinks, you're pissed, he calls, you feel bad.

It sounds emotionally damaging, and it makes me feel like you're in a rut. But I also know, even though I don't have first hand experience, that just saying to you, "If you hate that feeling, cut him lose" isn't as easy as it sounds. I imagine you battle between being pissed at him, but very protective...

Terrible analogy, but it's like my kids at school I teach: There can be kids that work my last nerve...but if another teacher comments about this kid, I immediately kick in with, "He might be hard to deal with, but don't talk sh*t about my kid." (LOL, not that I would say that, professionally)

What hurts us, in whatever way it does, also is part of us. It's like women being abused by their H's...I haven't gone through it, yet, when I read about it, I understand WHY it's not easy to just "walk out the door and never look back" I GET why they are afraid, and scared, and alone.

You sound like a perfectly wonderful human being, and it sounds like you're dealing with something that's hard to understand because the ppl in your life (based on your other posts) don't understand it.

This is probably an excellent question for your counselor, actually. I would want to know WHY the angel and devil kick in...and what are my feelings, emotions, etc at those exact moments.

Hopefully in all my rambling you got something out of this, LOL

when i was a lifeguard, i was trained that if you go to save someone who is drowning.. and when you reach them if they struggle and continue to flounder.. you have to push off and swim away. or else they will drown you too.

i was with an addict for almost 5 years. i did EVERYTHING... and we did get him clean and sober. what i found was that when the dust settles:

1) the trust is forever broken and you will always continue to have doubts (nothing like feeling your loved ones warm piss in a cup as you test him!)

2) the relationship will never be what is was in the beginning.. too damaged. dynamics shifted.. somewhere you became the nurse/mom/police and lost the partnership

3) an addict is one trauma/trigger away from losing everything and using.. being back to day 1 of getting clean again.

i personally couldn't live a life like that. i deserved better.

i didn't want to drown with him anymore.

I think maybe the Angel and devil could switch spots.. and also switch sayings. maybe if you listen carefully the angel is really the one saying "let him go, he have done so much for him, he will never hit rock bottom and wake up, you deserve better"

Angel - Put up with him, it will soon be over and let him be . .

Devil - Don't

thats not the devil on your shoulder, its dr drew

thank you both for your input, sad thing is that I agree with both of you.

I guess I am not ready to let him go and I continue to drown with him, maybe as I continue therapy I will see that I need to come above the water and swim far away from him.

deep down, I want him to get help and I just keep holding on for one more day.......love is so complicated....

I feel that I was put in his life to help him with his addiction. I always try and see a reason why people come into my life, as for my ex husband, although he cheated and left me for another woman, his son, my stepson was sent to me because his dad and his mom werent good parents

is that perhaps a little bit of magical thinking and a tendency to want to save people?

Try to change your perception. Maybe it's the Devil who says stay and support? Be stuck in the familiar hell? And the Angel goes: run for the hills...embrace the unknown. Just a thought. Hugs