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Hi, I am glad that I found this board. I am 43, married for 9 years, and going through the process of a legal separation. I have a daughter, 8, and am currently 9 weeks pregnant. I also have a stepson that is 13. Oh, I also work full-time and then some.
Obviously, I have a bit more than I can handle right now. While my H and I have always had a volatile relationship, the process of separation is a true slap in the face. What precipitated the separation was infidelity (his first, mine later) and many stewing areas of incompatibility. We are still living in the same household until 8/15, at which point, he is moving out into his own place and I am staying in our current home. My daughter and stepson are aware of the situation. The children do not yet know about my pregnancy. I am waiting until I exit the 1st trimester before I say anything. Ironically, the pregnancy is the result of the last time that my H and I had sex together. This is after not using protection for at least 2 years. And, I am 43. I can't believe that I am pregnant at this age. What is the hardest thing for me to face now is the impending sense of loneliness that I feel coming over me. There will be times in the near future when the house is empty, and my child isn't here. I know that this will feel awful. What also bothers me are the incessant nasty comments from my H about some aspect of me. He refuses to stop. I try to avoid him as best I can, but at times, it is unavoidable. It is also difficult to take the hostility from my 13 year old stepson, whom I have emotionally and financially supported for the past 10 years. He is obviously taking his dad's side, and is echoing my husband's anger towards me. And, I am freaked out my facing the reality of having a baby alone. My H says that he will participate with the pregnancy and birth, etc. I am glad that I am older in that I feel that I can handle this a bit better, but it is still a daunting challenge. However, I then think back to how my H did not help out one iota with my infant daughter 8 years ago, and I ponder how different the situation will really be. Anyhow, I am looking forward to meeting others here. Thanks for reading! Posted on 08/03/12, 03:52 pm |
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That's a tough one. Why is it you have to see each other? I would keep it just to the kids and nothing else. Exchange them in the doorway and let that be it. Sounds like your stepson may be an issue going forward. Kids like to take sides. They like to believe one person is bad. It helps them cope. Just continue to be who you are. In time he will come to see you in a different light.
Hopefully you have family support around. Raising a child alone is tough; although I'll bet your daughter may look forward to helping a bit. 
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Hi Cheryl - We see each other because we are still in the same house until the 15th. My office is in the house, so we run into each other quite a bit. It never fails though; as soon as he sees me, the snide comments start up again.
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Ugh! Well, guess just try to start apart as much as possible until then. You'll feel so much better when he's not around anymore. So hard living with daily stress like that.
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I say learn to enjoy the silence. With a baby around the corner it won't be quiet all that long anyway!
Its hard to avoid the nasty comments when you have children together and have to have some contact. I try to ignore it myself, but sometimes its so mean and hurtfull I answer back. I am personally trying to get to a point where I can ignore it and hurry her out the door or w.e. Otherwise I do as much N.C. as I can.
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I'm so sorry your going through this, and I can relate to you. We've been married almost 10 years and now I can honestly say, it's been a mediocre marriage. We were compatible enough to stay together this long, really feeling more like friends than spouses for much of the marriage. But a couple months ago I learned about at least 4 affairs by my H, including an ongoing one, so we are moving towards separation/divorce. Also, I'm 6 months pregnant, and we have a 3yr old. I face the same fears, of being pregnant and moving on at the same time. I'm sorry your husband doesn't show compassion towards you, since you are pregnant and need to be taking care of yourself and the baby. I am at least fortunate that except for the affairs, my H has been generally kind and concerned about me and the baby. Maybe as the emotion of your separation settles, he'll show less anger and be more considerate. Best wishes as you continue to move forward.
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When people make snide comments to another, it is there way of making sure that the other person feels the displeasure they do. That the other person stays in the crappy ass mood that they want them to so they can feel better about how themselves and actions.
Its sad people can't just own up to what they did and walk away with grace, or just say nothing if they have nothing nice to say. To me, the nasty comments are an immature way to get to another person just to keep them in misery. As for the 13year old, it does sound like he is replicating what his dad is, unfortunately. He probably feels he can cus of how his dad is acting. Have you tried to talk to him? Let him know being a man isnt about putting others down but supporting those who care about them? You sure do have your hands full and it seems you have been standing on your own and pretty strong for this long with the situation. So I would suspect you will be Ok. But at the same time, it doesn't mean you aren't going to have your ups and downs given everything going on. Just try to breathe, and remember how you have handled most without him all these years and that you will land on your feet. I wish you the best and welcome to the group.
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