Breakups & Divorce Support Group

That sounds very hard. I can only imagine what I would do if my stbx would say that to me. It would make me reanalyze everything. It sounds to me that is what you are doing, which honestly is quite normal. If she was the only love in your life, you don't have anything else to base your life on.

I would say try to look at it this way. Her divorcing you will cause the hurt she caused you to fade again, even if it opened some of the wounds you had from her. You will heal again, this time a bit quicker then before, and you will get back to the place you were before the comments she made.

I have found that sometimes it isn't what you say, it is how you say it. I'm assuming your journal entries were very personal, and to the core of you, and maybe she didn't see how deep you were with her. It is my best guess. I'm just really sorry that you have to suffer like this again, and I hope you can find your way back to being content.

well, the fact of the matter is that she DID give up. so now, you have to give up on her too.

But maybe she just really didn't know..if its meant to be it will be..I really believe in this...

Well let me say there IS a reason why they call it your FIRST love. Because you need many more to understand the mechanics of relating to one another. I use to believe in this concept of "fate" and all the beautiful poetry that word plays to, which goes hand in hand with the dreams your heart has concocted. The only problem is, it's not predicated on real life situations. What you will find out over time is that relationships are WORK! The process is not pretty. Dating is fun. Having that first sexual moment with that person you have admired for so long is fun. But once the sweat dries and both of you become...well... more ordinary in scope, you have to determine whether the two of you are people that can not only live together but do it for a life time as you had originally intended.

Poetry doesn't address those needs. And that's the real meaning behind why people always say. "Love is never enough." It isn't. That's emotion. And emotions are not rational. Emotions don't keep you in place. They make you either run to or run away from something. That's when it's a good time to pull out that less exciting tool...reason...and consider what is actually happening here.

The two of you have to be committed to the task of staying together. You can't walk out the door every time it gets hot in the kitchen. And you can't make whimsical statements of "If I had only known" after you've burned the house down the two of you created. There's no communication there. And what your struggling with right now is this idealized image of what you use to believe in. Your reattaching yourself to the dream that you already know is not true. People who are "meant" to be together STAY together. If you want to reattach yourself to that old dream, have at it. But it will be another painful process you put yourself through of finding out, it takes more than coveting a dream to make these matters work.

If feelings is all you have to reason here and this undying image of what the two of you "use to be", then you already know your thoughts are not predicated on any new revelations. Your reading between the lines in her statements. Your heart is looking for that glimmer of hope that you can rekindle "the dream". But you must allow reason to come into that thinking and balance the scales so you understand that if you were meant to be, you would already be. As much as you don't believe it right now, you will find better. You will move on from this. You can either choose to do it now or take another crash course in what you already know to be true.

there are going to be times when you are tempted to "wait." it might be waiting on a woman to change her mind or it might be waiting for a job promotion or better working conditions or just anything.

but, we have to be careful of how long we will just wait because time is not pausing one bit. after all, there is not one waiting for you, is there? nope, they are moving on just fine.

you are in the prime of your life. run with it. with or without a woman, run with life !

Thanks everyone, and yeah, logically I know what you're saying is right. It's just hard to remain logical when it concerns the the only woman you've spent your entire adult life with. Guess I'll just always have this weak spot for her...

Continuing to care for her means your feelings are genuine. But unfortunately in life you will discover you can love more than one person. There are people we can love and then there are people we can love AND live with. You'll find that compatibility factors in more than what your considering right now. It's okay to hurt. You should. But don't let that compel you to go back to something that didn't work. If it only took one sentence to get you reconsidering, don't you think the two of you would have found those words while the relationship was real? You can't build meaningful relationships looking back. You have to be invested enough to find those moments in conflict. Because that is the measure of how you will be in the future. Your best moments need to shine during the hard times. That is where the merits of a relationship are found.

You've been through the divorce. You haven't been together for some time. You both have changed, for good or bad.

Also, what you had originally didn't work. Unless you both have fixed what was broken about you individually there is no way you are going to work out as a couple again.

If you've both dealt with this stuff, maybe you can go on a date. Or go to counseling together. But I would highly and strenuously recommend not jumping back to the place you were before the dissolution happened, pretending the split didn't happen.

I have to keep this brief since I'm at work, but I need to clear up one thing. She hasn't expressed any interest in getting back together, in fact she's still with the guy she essentially left me for. I'm afraid this is just an attempt to soothe her conscience, more than anything. I guess the point of this thread was to regain a logical outlook, I know how my stupid heart could run away with all this if I let it.