Breakups & Divorce Support Group

You'd certainly hope there would be a moral obligation. But not everyone has the same morals. They use the blindside approach to help make it easier for them. And it's painful and confusing and leaves you in a constant loop of whys.

People who are afraid of their own feelings, conflict or confrontation run for the hills.

People who feel guilty, whether it be justifiably so or not, and can't face it, don't.

No matter what the reason, its THEIR issue.

you can't legislate morality. a person either follows the rules willingly or they won't follow them at all.

if she did this to her husband, just imagine what she would do to a man who she barely knows.

Usually, the spouse that initiates the breakup is several dozen steps ahead of us -- they have already dealt with it and don't feel morally obligated to try any longer. Maybe they have already tried the best they could and we didn't recognize it - maybe they just don't have the same morals - maybe lots of things.

I tried to repair the marriage even after he asked for the divorce and I knew he had cheated - mostly out of fear and codependancy - because looking back the relationship was not very healthy - but that is my situation. I don't think it matters how long or short the marriage is - by the time I realized it was inevitable and felt I had caught up to where he was, he was already gone.

No - I cannot explain it. It is what it is.

xoxo

I agree with the above responses. In my situation, I believe my stbx blindsided me because he was so out of touch, confused and disconnected from his own feelings, that he couldn't recognize them himself sooner, let alone express them to me. So I was thinking things were going well in our relationship, while he was already pulling out of the relationship (in spirit) unbeknownst to me, possibly for as long as several years.

So when he decided it was over, it was a shock to me, but he had internally already moved on and was at that point unwilling to try to repair things.

I don't think he was intentionally deceptive during the relationship, but because he didn't acknowledge his unhappiness with things sooner, he never really gave me or the marriage a chance. I wish he had been more committed to hanging in there and trying to make it work, but he wasn't, and now there's nothing I can do about it except move on and hope that I can meet someone next time who is more able to be a committed partner than he was.

As Faithful said, "you can't legislate morality"--we can only live our own lives in a way that is true to ourselves and we can feel good about--we can't control what others do.

Hi there NewB, I have ?ed the same thing. The bottomline is the other person has given up on being committed to the relationship. It does seem like more and more people these days are only thinking of themselves and what they want rather than the impact of what their actions will have on anyone else. Finding a quick fix to remedy a 'problem', such as leaving, is easier for many than spending the time and effort it would take to stay committed to anyone or anything. Everyone doesn't always share the same values and morals to stick together through both good and bad times. These days, it's so much easier and acceptable to get going when the going gets tough. Isn't it ironic how the fast-paced changing times are bringing in easy and quick access for us to connect with others but also is leaving much room for us to block those closest to us out with eyes wide shut?

My husband of 29yrs blindsided me about 2 months ago. I agree with all that the comments above. We have two teenage daughters at home. I dont think he realizes how much he hurt them. I view his method as cowardly. I also think he feels he is not bound by the same rules as others. He would never think what he did was morally wrong. I am doing my best now to move forward, but still acutely feel the hurt.

the really strange part is how they can spin their tale to their family and they will say, leave! but, if they were in your shoes, they would not be saying that at all.

Oh yes, anyone that can do that, is in fact 30 steps ahead. It happened to you waaaaay before they actually made mention, or took any action toward it.

I think dumpd is right, too. My stbx said there was a "final straw" meaning she was ready to go before that. Doing my "relationship inventory" I am realizing there were signs. I am also realizing the trouble was visible when we were still dating even. My co-dependency and sheer willpower and effort led us to be married for 6 years before she got tired of her charade (and my frustration with living with someone who wouldn't return affection).