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Is this messed up or is it just me?
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I have been dating this guy for 5 weeks and we have had 4 dates in those 5 weeks. I have not had sex with him, no oral and neither of us has been to each others homes. We meet at a restaurant, have our date, then we kiss at the car and we go our separate. OKAY.............so cut to today. I went to my normal yoga class. I leave my phone in the car. When I get back to my car there is a text from him saying, "I just delivered mail to your building". (He's a mailman). So I text back, "????? How do you know where I live. I have never told you where I live". He's says, "Well the mail had your name and address on it". SO here's the thing, yes he delivers mail but no where near my house. MY home is not on his route. SO I am completely confused as to how he got my address and WHY he was in my neighborhood which is completely off of his route. I drive home to find flowers next to my door. Now normally this would have been sweet however considering that I NEVER told him where I live, I NEVER invited him over I was very angry that he discovered where I lived behind my back then came over without my permission. I then checked my mail and there was NO MAIL in my box. So he lied about delivering mail to my place and getting my address that way. SO now I am seriously furious. I start texting him how did he REALLY get my address?? And I just go off on him! He says I am over reacting and I should be telling him thank you instead of yelling at him but I FEEL VIOLATED. We only had 4 dates and I was NOT comfortable with him yet nor did I trust him enough yet to divulge where I live and it angered me that he went behind my back to find that out!!
Is this creepy? or am I overreacting? Another point to this is that I am sensitive over men just showing up at my house because I have been dealing with this with two guys in the past 2 years which is why I am moving in 6 weeks. MY ex who continually drops in after the bars close, drunk off his ass looking for a booty call. And this arab neighbor who is 10 yrs younger than me who is completely obsessed with me. He watches me house, knocks on my front door and patio door and doesn't leave me alone when I tell him to. SO because of these two guys I am very paranoid to have a 3rd guy research where I live behind my back. This is stalker behavior in my opinion! Posted on 07/11/12, 11:49 pm |
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And theses guys are like dogs in heat. That feeling of being a prey animal does go away, at least it did for me fortunately. I was seriously freaked out over the behavior of some men once I was single again. Truly nauseating and frightening. 
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I don't think it's strange that he looked up your address especially since he works for the post office. But where you are coming from, your history with these 2 guys that are violating your privacy, I can see why you freaked out. But after 4 dates, did none of this come up? If I had some serious boundary issues, I think I would have fit it in by date 3 but that's just me. Did you tell him when you were going off on him about those issues?
Why were you not comfortable with him after 4 dates? Were you being extra cautious because of the other guys or was there something "off" that you were trying to figure out? It's so easy for one person to come across as an overreactor to another but that's where communication will smooth things over. Let people know your thought process and why you set your boundaries where they are.
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I think it is your history with the other 2 men that is painting your perception of what this guy did. I really see no foul here. I believe he was merely trying to do something sweet. As someone suggested, communication is they key here. He isn't a mind-reader.
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I think, though, if he's been dating you for a month and the topic of where you both live has never come up, that should have been a red flag to him that you didn't want him to know that. That is generally one of the first questions I would ask on a date and I would probably take it as a brush off if I had been seeing someone for a month and didn't know where they lived (or I might think they were married). But I understand, given the history you put in your post, why you don't reveal that to people until later in the relationship.
I think what he did was a little dangerous (as he found out) but probably kind of a normal thing. Women talk about wanting sensitive and careful guys but the spontaneous and unpredictable ones seem to date a lot more. Not knowing about the stalkers in your past and having dated you for a month, he was probably hoping to pleasantly surprise you but it was still an edgy kind of move that could (and did) backfire.
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No oral??? Well, how dare he assume you would want him to know where you live. Outrageous.
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@New again, yeah I think that he was acting like a overanxious puppy in heat trying to do a nice thing but went about it the wrong way.
@wma girl, the reason why I wasn't comfortable with him knowing my address after 4 dates(besides being harassed by two other guys) is that on dates #2, #3, and #4 plus through a couple texts, he kept saying that he wanted come by my place for a "nooner". Meaning he wanted an afternoon bootycall This really stopped me from wanting to let him know where I live. This is especially easy for him to do since he drives around all day delivering mail and can easily stop at ANY womans house to have a quickie and probably has a list of them for all I know. When he first found out the first thing i said was, "And don't you THINK you will be stopping at my place for a "nooner" now that you know where i live!!" Then he says, "I would never try to have a nooner while I'm working". So I am like oh really?? Then WHY mention that on 3 dates and on 2 different texts if you "don't" do that?!?!?! I am already so upset about my ex constantly knocking on my door at 2:30am drunk looking for booty calls I don't fucking need another guy knocking on my door at noon looking for booty calls!!! @bhamguy exactly....I also told him that if I haven't told you where I live by now then there is obviously a REASON why I don't want to. Those reasons being his comments on coming over for "nooners" and because of these two guys stalking me now. I guess the general consensus here is that I am overreacting. I still feel violated though:/
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He's being too pushy and playing the sex card too early.
I don't like him. In the immmortal words of stillbitter, you better tell him to back that truck up. He's making a lot of assumptions.
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well thats the reason I asked what your gut feeling was about the guy
because you feel what you feel and that may be old stuff from before being triggered, or it may actually be your subconscious pointing out danger even if its just your old stuff getting triggered, doesnt mean you have to give him another chance but it would be good to be aware of your feelings, and what specific thing they are trying to tell you good luck though this dating thing sounds trickier post breakup than it ever did when we were single, right?
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I think if I wasn't comfortable with a guy and he insisted on making remarks about coming over for a nooner when we hadn't even taken it to the next level, he wouldn't have made it to date 3 or 4.
When he joked about the nooners how did you react? Did you tell him you didn't think it was funny and found it inappropriate? Some women might find it funny but if you didn't, I hope you told him that up front.
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I think we need to just cut to the chase here - You need to dump this clown because he's just looking for a quick piece. Just tell him your not interested in going out and move on. I would also reflect on how you go about meeting men for dates and see if perhaps there is a trend in how you seem to find men with the same qualities. Are you finding these people at work? In a bar? I would examine that and see if they share any common connections. Something to consider since you are moving to a new home.
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