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What is acceptable?
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Hi all
I left an abusive relationship after 23 years of marriage and 27 years of being with him and it was one of the best things i did for myself. I hear people on here talk about 'red flags'. it they do this, say that, act this or that way its a red flag. I want to ask a question. How on earth do you know what is acceptable? EVERYONE has issues. i have mine and you have yours so where do you draw the line? I am friendly with a couple of guys. Both would like a relationship when i am ready. One suffers from depression, has a bad back which needs to be operated on and other health issues. He is always negative. He has been patient and decent. The other one is a Christian but goes on twitter and writes obsence things. When i challenged him he admitted it was wrong and he needs to stop. The second guy is romantic and makes me laugh. He has been patient and honest with me about things I would not know about (for example telling me his ex turned up at his house wanting him back). I may not be with any of them but i wanna know is who ever settles with me will have me and my issues to deal with. I have had counselling and group therapy and im a lot stronger and more healed but im not 'there' yet and don't believe anyone is totally 'there' My best friend married 14 years after her divorce and still bought issues into her marriage and others i know have done the same. So how does anyone who what is ok to deal with in a relationship? I mean cheating, abuse, addiction are the obvious no nos but what about issues that people struggle with like the ones i have listed above? What about a man who is wonderful but has no idea about managing money or a man who is a sweetheart but spends hours on the computer at a time? I hope this makes sense. Posted on 07/01/12, 12:31 pm |
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I know what you mean... if we write people off at the first red flag, then we'd have to write everyone off... and if the other person we are seeing are also writing off anyone with a red flag, we'd be given the boot, too.
I think you have to figure out what the red flag means, and decide if it's something you can put up with in the future. For example, if they're bad with money, if you get married you may both go into severe debt. Also, being bad with money usually shows that the person is impulsive (making them more likely to cheat or suddenly leave) or that they believe they only deserve the best (meaning they're a narcissist and will probably leave you for someone else that they deem better). I will say that the twitter guy sounds like bad news. And the guy who's ex showed up at his door sounds like a potential disaster as well. 
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Do what I do. Just look at how they treat people close to them.
Will he stay by his moms side when she is in the hospital? Does he shell out money to help his father in bad times? And etc... Come to think of it. Those were red flags for my ex wife. She didn't care at all for parents when she was running away from them and treated me so good until I could make her happy anymore. Then she ditched me like she did her parents! Lol jokes on me huh. My current wife. Lovely. Opposite. I love it.
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Everyone has their own concept of what is "acceptable". Make yourself a "wish list" on qualities you want in a partner. If "negative" is one of those qualities, by all means, grab that guy. He fits the bill. If "bad money manager" is on your list, go for it.
And until you decide what is acceptable for you (your ideas, not your friends, family, best friend) and until you don't have issues (or at least know how to cope with them in a healthy manner), I wouldn't recommend entering into another relationship. Heal yourself, then find another healthy person. Relationships are a great equalizer - we attract what we are. You want to attract a healthy partner, get healthy yourself.
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utter pain you say the twitter guy sounds like bad news but to me he has accepted his responsibility in that what he is doing is wrong and knowing he needs to changed. He has not been on twitter for about 4 days. My ex did NOT accept responsibility for his stuff and i think that is where the problem lies. If they don't admit their problem you cant move on, if they do and are willing to change surely there is a chance. Also why is him telling me his ex turned up (who has now moved away) a potential disaster?? Im just trying to understand your reasoning.
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Saying willing to change is so easy to do. I guess we will see you back here in a year or so complaining that the guy you married didn't change and asking I'd people really do change.
I wouldn't change anything except my wife.
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galvatron - go to hell
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guys have lives that they like. when you meet them, look to see if you can work with them just as they are and with what they have to offer right then. if they are not just right for you right then, then go find one who is.
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You can't observe change in 4 days. It takes months, at minimum. Why would a grown man be posting obscene things on Twitter to begin with? Does he not have a filter? Is he immature? Does he like to rile people up? Is he a perv? I don't know what exactly he was posting, but there's a reason he was posting it. Just because he's no longer posting things on there... for 4 days... doesn't mean that aspect of his personality went poof and vanished.
And if a guy's ex showed up at his door, it means the game between them is not over, and if you date him right now you will be contributing to her heartbreak. Personally, I don't want to help be the cause of someone else's tears. Also... men usually don't change. And why would you get into a relationship with someone if right off the bat, there's things about them that you want to change? Either accept them as they are or find someone else.
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utter pain i get the twitter bit but the other part about the ex i disagree with because of the circumstances that took place before and after. I value what you have said and it helps, Thank you
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Also people do change. Not saying this guy will at all im saying people do change. I have seen it with my own eyes. But will definitely give it food for thought and what I meant about the four days was that he went from everyday to not doing it for four days of course I know it has not vanished like poof! Im not that naive.
Thanks to everyone who shared
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