What is Breakups Divorce
Divorce or dissolution of marriage is the ending of a marriage before the death of either spouse. The main causes of divorce in 2004, according to a recent study, were extra-marita...
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divorced and sad
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We have been divorced for one year and living apart for about 6 months. I am so terribly depressed and anxious, its horrible. I am on anti depressants, getting counselling, turning to friends and family for support, but nothing is working.
Anyway, my ex rings me almost everynight, my counsellor said thats because he is still clinging onto the old relationship but when i mention will we get back together he says he doesn't know at this stage and makes excuses etc, so why does he ring? I am hurting very badly and so depressed. I think maybe he is concerned that he doesn't want to hurt me, but i know he has a woman friend but he still lies about that, i mean why keep on contacting me and lying about that still? Why not just say straight out he has someone, since he knows that i know. I say that i will go and never see him again which is best, but then he doens't like that idea either. I am confused and hurting and not coping at all. I am trying to help myself but not getting very far, its horrible. Posted on 11/08/09, 04:11 am |
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You are going to hear this a lot, and it's hard, but it's best. Quit taking his calls. He's keeping you as a fall back. No contact while you get your head together. 
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i feel your pain... i'm new here and not able to offer advise as im dealing with similar heartbreak..HOWEVER the folks here are great. Very compassionate and encouraging.. someone will be along with some good words for you soon.. until then..a hug from me to you... feel better
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yes i no longer answer his sms messages, but he rings at home and the children pick up the phone and then he asks to speak to me. What is a "fall back", does this mean he is hanging on just in case he changes his mind? I have a feeling that if i were to up and disappear he would come looking for me, he is finding it difficult too at the moment. Its like this "distancer-pursuer" thing, but i never ring him at all, he does all the contacting.
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In my last relationship meltdown, I had to go no contact because of the severity of the effect on me...almost like PTSD. This has helped a great deal. With my ex wife, I have two kids and so the process took a lot longer to even out. You will get there, you just have to decide what you want for your self. Keep coming back here...there is great healing help through experience.
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Honestly, I feel like crap after having contact via email with my stbx. No contact is the only thing that helps. I know you have children together and that makes it so much harder, but try to keep the contact to a minimum- keep it business only. He can call and talk to the kids, but if it's any other communication, ask him to email you. It'll be tough, but you will feel so much better. I'm "lucky" in one sense because he wants no contact with his only child, so I do not have to deal with him often.
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Non Contact will help you grow apart.
Just tell him that you would perfer not to speak to him and that he it's fine to call the kids. Set a time so you know when he will call. It's like gas on the fire, why do it? all the best,
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My ex bf is calling and texing and checking up on me every day..... He had my lawn taken care of and brought my trash out to the street while I was away.
He called a girlfriend of mine to make sure she knew what was going on in my personal life while I was away. Looking back, I see now that he was trying to pass the baton, and that he felt me relying on him and was not uncomfortable. When I emailed to thank him for everything and let him off the hook, I ended the email with "I love you" He responded with, "I luv you 2" That pretty much told me all that I refused to see...and it broke my heart. You have to let go. Nothing's working for you because you're not doing the thing that will make all the difference in the long run, and that is letting go. HUGS to you, kindred one. It's sad.
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I would strongly urge you to join a divorcecare group if you can. Maybe join 2 of them and go each weekly and eventually you will start to talk about this in group. This is in addition to the steps you have already taken. I suggest this for at least 13 weeks, one cycle of divoracecare. Maybe it might take 2 or 3 cycles for some people.
This is an awful process and sharing it with people with a similar set of circumstances and pain can be very therapeutic. It is not easy. Godspeed.
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Typical. He's keeping you around in case Door #1 doesn't work out.
Stop it. Tell him and your kids you don't want to talk to him. change your phone number. Get a cell phone for your kids for him to contact them on or only allow email. You aren't going to like this but.... you are doing this to yourself. You need to set the rules and create healthy boundaries to help you heal. Move on. You are only keeping yourself stuck. Hugs.
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Everyone else has said what I would have said. It may be guilt that makes him keep calling you and lying about his new relationship. I'm sure he has legitimate feelings for you, but he is not thinking of what is best for you now and you need better boundaries to heal. It is a painful time and you can only get better by letting go and distancing yourself from this kind of communication. (((((((HUGS))))))))))
I second the advice on DivorceCare. It's a great program.
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