What is Breakups Divorce
Divorce or dissolution of marriage is the ending of a marriage before the death of either spouse. The main causes of divorce in 2004, according to a recent study, were extra-marita...
Join Now
|
What do I do? Ex's behavior in front of the kids
|
Watch this |
| View More Posts Ignore |
I already posted my story in the discussion section but what I need is some advice. My soon to be ex has been bringing men over to her apartment (in her parents garage...yuckk) and "kissing" men in front of my children. I hear about this every weekend from my 9 year old daughter...it is very upsetting to her because she is realizing on her own that her mother is being inappropriate..we are not even divorced yet! Her parents say "she is 35...what can we do?" I am completely disgusted with this behavior but what can I do? Some are telling me to be patient and wait for the divorce to finalize before acting because in all honesty, she has agreed to walk away from everything. I am only paying 150 a week in support and it could be 235 a week. She has taken her car payment, credit cards, student loans...of course New York is a community property state and there is debt I could throw at her, but I am torn between reporting her behavior to the child advocate attorney and letting my attorney have his way with her, or waiting until the dust settles. I am so angry with her behavior...I don't know what to do! It simply disgusts me to be honest and my kids are witnessing this. I worry about their emotional development and how this could effect their future relationships. In time, they will choose to live with me and she knows this. It has already been discussed, but for now, this is the mess I am forced to deal with. Any thoughts would be appreciated!
Posted on 11/07/09, 11:11 am |
| 7 Replies | Add Your Advice |
| View More Posts Ignore |
I would have a talk with her on what you both think should be proper behavior in front of the children. I wouldn't come off like you are telling her, "you should not do this..." or "you should handle this another way" I would just tell her is appears to be effecting the children. Let her come out with what she feels about the situation.
if she acts concerned, just ask her what ways can she still date and do what she wants, without effecting the kids? just tell her you do not want to tell her what to do, but it is obviously effecting the children. if she doesn't seem to care once you tell her, then all you can do is comfort your children and handle the actions they see delicately and then with good examples of how much you love them. 
|
|
|
|
||
| View More Posts Ignore |
nip this behavior in the bud...
It is wrong, inappropriate and a form of emotional and mental abuse. Don't let this happen to your kids. Sorry to say, your STBX has no sense of healthy boundaries and isn't thinking of anyone but herself.
|
|
|
|
||
| View More Posts Ignore |
I am sorry I do not have children, so my knowledge of what can be done custody wise during a divorce is slim. I do know that this behavior is very inappropriate and obviously bothering your children if they are telling you about it. I would document everything you hear with the time and date. Confront her and tell her how it is effecting your children. If she refuses to stop, bring it up with a lawyer.
|
|
|
|
||
| View More Posts Ignore |
Its a tough call.
I agree she should be keepng her relationships seperate from the kids at this point as it is hard enough for the kids in any divorce. But some lawyers and judges may say that she is split from you and that she can move on with her life and that kissing is not something bad. On the other hand I have heard of judges ruling that ex spouses can not have any new boyfriends around the kids, which I agree with. Its a tough call, because if she is walking away and this is the only problem, are you prepared to push it and possibly cause other problems threw the divorce that could affect your kids in a different negativity? Talk with your lawyer and see what your options are and then talk with your ex, maybe she will smarten up and do what is right.
|
|
|
|
||
| View More Posts Ignore |
A painful as it may be to hear? Her parents are absolutely right. She may visit some very life altering effects on her children in the process, and completely ruin her relationship with her children in the process, but unless she is being physically abusive, abusing drugs/alcohol, I doubt there is anything a judge will do about her kissing or even having men sleep over...even if you put it into the papers.
I agree that she needs to hear it from someone...a mutual firend, a counselor, clergy person that may be causing the ruination of her children's respect for her, not to mention the sadness they feel for you, and the way they feel about themselves and their own security in the world. I also agree that all you can do is stay a present and viable influence in their lives, repeating over and over that if they ever feel bad, or threatened, or unsafe or just need to talk to you, all they have to do is reach out and you will be there. Staying put in their lives is the single most important thing you can do for them at a time when your stbx insists on introducing so much instability in their worlds when they are already confused and scared. I feel for you. I've been there. I did that. My kids always knew where I was and how to reach me...always. That, I am convinced, has made a huge difference. You love them and they love you. You simply cannot tell them or show them enough right now.
|
|
|
|
||
| View More Posts Ignore |
Heed Sylph.
Her behavior is inappropriate, but you cannot control it if it is not abusive. In my state, unless a spouse is bringing home dates and sleeping with them with kids present, it will make no difference in custody or support.
|
|
|
|
||
| View More Posts Ignore |
Well I suppose in my haste I forgot to mention a few things. No, perhaps her behavior is not abusive, but it is out in the open and I mean in the open. My ex and kids are living together in one room...no doors...no privacy. My daughter also told me today that she saw mommy changing her clothes in front of this new guy and he is new!! 2 weeks new...how can I stand by and let this happen?? I know I have no control over what happens where she is living, but her parents do. My daughter is growing up wayyyyy to fast! I told her to talk to papa and tell him what is bothering her because he controls the household (hey ..they are old school and he may not know what his daughter is really doing) and if he asks if I suggested it? I said YES...DO NOT LIE...I think she has a right to voice what is bothering her and if anyone can do anything about it, it is her papa. I am just sick over all of this and on top of that...I need a date!! LOL...ohhhh well, at least I am trying here people. Trying to do the right thing and I feel so helpless. That is the worst part!!
|
|
|
|
||
| Add Your Advice |
