What is Breakups Divorce
Divorce or dissolution of marriage is the ending of a marriage before the death of either spouse. The main causes of divorce in 2004, according to a recent study, were extra-marita...
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My marriage was in major trouble, I had pretty much given up and I let myself get emotionally involved with another man. My marriage is over but it took forever and in the meantime the man I fell in love with does not trust me. I did do stupid things and lied when I was sure he was going to be angry when my ex pulled something that made things harder for me/us to get to the next phase. Long story short, he broke up with me about 6 mths ago, which nearly broke me and I worked hard to heal. I have never stopped loving him. He recently came to me and we talked and he says he knows no one is a better fit for him but he sees my lies and does not know how to trust me. He also says he is not sure he can step into the role of a stepfather since I have two kids and his son is almost out of high school. I have wanted so much to make things right with him. I love him. My issue is that I do think he loves me but he has huge issues to deal with and if he does not get through them we will always struggle. My real problem is that I am so lonely and have tried joining groups, finding new friends, a couple dates, reading, talking to friends, counceling. I want him to figure it out and I am frustrated. In the meantime I put myself out there for him and he sort of comes and goes like a yo-yo. I want to be strong and my friends are about 50/50 in their advice that I keep talking or stop talking to him. I miss him. I miss feeling loved. I don't know how to be strong enough not to talk with him, email him, call him. I try but then he reaches out to me and I am back in it. How do I get stronger than this? When my boys are with their dad it is the worst.
Posted on 10/24/09, 02:10 pm |
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The trust issue for him may never go away because of how you got together, no matter how much love one may have for another. He knows you are capable of cheating and lying, and for many people that's all that's needed to ruin it for good.
My best friend in college had a similar situation: She was in a disintigrating LTR, "broke up" with her boyfriend but couldn't afford to move out of the place they rented together until she graduated. During that time she started sleeping with her neighbor and after she did move out, the neighbor decided it was over because what would keep her from doing the same to him? You may love this man, but if he will not trust you, it is doomed already. My advice would be to stop contact, ask him to do the same, focus on yourself and your kids, and reflect on what has happened and refind your happiness in yourself. good luck. 
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Where does he get off having trust issues with you? He was seeing another man's wife. Doesn't that make him just as untrustworthy?
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not only what Jo said, but I have to say you need to look at yourself and see why you feel you need to be with this man. You mention it is worse when the boys are with their father, so possibly you need to check in to some things within yourself before you can even entertain the thought of being with another.
if the love you think is there with this dude, then when you are truly healed and ready to accept someone in your life, he will be there. best wishes
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Thanks for the responses to this. One thing I guess I had left out is that we work for the same company - we used to work closely, now its less but I still see him at work a lot and have to be in meetings with him at least once a week. I think that has been one of the reasons we keep looking to each other.
I have decided to cut off the personal communication as much as possible and just try to flow with things at work. That is MUCH easier said that done and I am trying to get through one day without feeling like crap. just sucks
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Can you get a transfer to another department?
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Not really an option. I have looked for new things but we don't have lots of openings because of the economy and I what I do is sort of specialized. Sort of the same on his side.
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