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I posted here several months ago and had it deleted due to someone using it against me. Since then, we have had joint couseling which was a disaster. Then had single counseling after I went to attorney to check things out (mainly my legal rights). Single counseling seemed to make things better. The counselor wanted us to see her together, neither of us has made the appt. Maybe it will blow up again and we don't want to face it. I have decided that I am not going together with him and rehash up all the bad stuff again!!!! Now he's starting to seem distant again. I haven't seen proof of his affair (he denies there ever was one) so I don't know if he's just overwhelmed with things or if he's comtemplating when he can move on. I really feel like we are not going to last much longer after the first of the year, that there will be a continuation of all that happened this year. I know I am in better shape now to cope with a divorce. Actually, the only things that I worry about are my financial survival and having to face people that don't have a clue there have been serious problems. Fortunately, I do have a few family members and friends that know the gist of what's been going on so if something happens to me, they will know there was a reason. All I know is that I feel like I have been in mourning for almost a year now. I'm afraid to start thinking there's more years ahead of us. I don't want to have to deal with sadness and disapointment. I guess now I'm starting to understand why so many women are ready to leave their husbands later in life just about the time you should feel like you have finally started to feel security after all those years.
Posted on 10/16/09, 11:10 am

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11 Replies | Most Recent

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Jaken

Reply #1 - 10/16/09 11:20am

"if something happens to me, they will know there was a reason" Can you tell me what this means?

I'm sorry you don't want to see the therapist with him, and that you won't make the appointment. All you can expect at this point is for this to fail because the effort you both need to make is not being given. Yes, couples therapy can get downright ugly and nasty. It has to start with the outer anger and hurt and slowly work it's way into the root causes, the misunderstandings, the miscommunications, and the discovery of whether or not there is love and hope. Otherwise you are sweeping things under the rug, and he continues to grow distant.

I'm so sorry for your pain. Please continue to vent here and let us help.

Reply #2 - 10/16/09 2:06pm

If something happens to me....if I end up in a car wreck because I'm not thinking clearly, something like that or worse, that he could hurt me physically. It wouldn't be the first time everyone was surprised someone's spouse lost it!! I really think we're too far gone now for any therapy, we have already laid out (I should say, he has) all the problems. There's a whole lot more to the story, nothing unusual, just lots of things over the years and if he can't be happy with me now, he never will. I would already be looking for a full time job but I was advised to wait on that until a decision was made to divorce. The reason I think we are headed that way is because of comments he has made that have been told to me. I just think he wants me to be the bad person. I have already had family tell me they don't know why I have held all this in for so long and that I have lived with him treating me the way he has. There have been lots of good times too but I know I have not been all that he had hoped for. I can't compete with fantasy I guess!!! I'm getting to the point that I really don't care if we work it out. I have never been unfaithful so I don't have any quilty feelings that I am the only cause of of all of this. It's very hard to live with a perfect man!!

Reply #3 - 10/18/09 2:07am

I am guessing you mean by "lots of things over the years" that there are just little incidents of discussion or disagreements that have caused issue with your relationship?

What I do see is you are already planning for this to end so it is inevitable to end up that way. If neither of you make the effort to continue on with the good that was accomplished in individual therapy, I agree with Jaken, it will fail.

We all are scared to repeat the past cus of how the past has left us feeling, but if working towards the future together and there appears to be change for the better, then one needs to put all their effort in to it and not keep one foot out the door. I know, I am a one foot out the door kind of guy and it has lead me to the outside yard. Right now, it appears you are keeping one foot out the door by having an alternative plan. While it is good to know what you need to do for yourself if things don't work out, but if you are trying to work it out, that kind of talk, actions or thoughts will only intrude with the effort to work on things.

If you really want this, then you need to just ask him, what's up? are we going to try to salvage this or not? Maybe his distance is cus he is thinking the same things as you and just as worried that you are not all in. If when you ask him and he wants to work it out still, then you need to put both feet in and put aside the talk of lawyers, alternative plans, etc. otherwise you are not really all in so might as well just go stand in the yard and call the lawyer.

best wishes.

Reply #4 - 10/19/09 7:39am

Unfortunately my gut feeling was right. I found out that he has remained in contract with the OW and also made some negative comments about me to a friend of ours. So after all this time, it appears to me he's just holding out for the right time. This behaviour was taking place all through our counseling. This is why I think we are beyond help. For so long I have been thinking it will take time. Now I'm going to concentrate on getting along as long as we live together and prepare for my future alone. I just have to deal with the reality of it now.

PF123

Reply #5 - 10/19/09 6:16pm

I don't want t sound mean... but why exactly is the timing up to him?
What is he waiting for... do you have children he is waiting until they are 18 so he doesn't have to pay child support - is he waiting for you to turn 62 so you can collect Soc. Sec and he doesn't have to pay spousal support... Trust me, he is waiting for his own financial gain not yours.
Do what is right for you. Go see an attorney, find out what your rights are and what to expect. Serve him with papers and watch him sweat.

Reply #6 - 10/21/09 7:20pm

Who knows what he is holding out for, what is important is what you are holding out for. Like you said, you know it is just a matter of time and the writing is on the wall now.

Time to stop holding out for others to do something and start doing something for yourself.

best wishes.

Reply #7 - 10/26/09 7:38am

Finances are a big part of the picture. There would be several things that would have to be split. I have no place to go at this time. Have to live somewhere and I won't be forced out until all is settled. I have already had some legal advice and he would not be able to walk away free and clear. He wants me to be the bad guy in all this. He has his own demons to deal with and that may be part of the problem. Even though I don't think counseling did us any good, it did open my eyes and ears to alot of things that I didn't realize were really going on. My whole attitude has changed but if we can survive it, I am willing to hang in there but no longer will I just let myself be taken advantage of. If it looks like we'll be divorcing, I want to make sure I am prepared mentally and financially. I refuse to end up in poverty because of him so I will fight for myself and if it means I need to find more work to do things I want for myself, so be it.

Reply #8 - 10/26/09 10:17am

I get what you are saying and you are right, you need to make sure things work out fairly when it comes to splitting things.

I am not sure how long you's have been going to counseling, but if you just started going, then maybe give it a few more sessions cus for those who are at least letting their own demons/fears be seen and are willing to work on them, there could is always hope. It is when people know they have these demons and issues and they do not want to work on them or conpletely act like they dpont exist or are the problem is when that person just might not be someone we should allow in our lives and keep them at a yard sticks length.

Is he seeing a counselor/therapist by hisself to work out his own issues? If not that might be a good idea.

Reply #9 - 10/30/09 7:31am

Had some words last night. He spoke about selling the house. I said ok. That's what he's saying but I don't know if he's trying to bluff or intimidate. I really want things to work out but I'm tired of feeling down all the time.