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So I'm the instigator of my & my husband's current separation. It's a long story... I'd been feeling very alienated and emotionally neglected/verbally abused by my husband (whom I will call S) for a very long time but I never really allowed myself to acknowledge it until last October when I simultaneously lost my job, lost my uncle to cancer, and met my now-best friend/current business partner (whom I will call M). M is a truly amazing person who has been there through all my ups and downs, and I through his. He has been an absolute rock when I needed him to be, and I've done my very best to return the favor whenever I can. He is in a very similar relationship--his then-fiance has a very sharp tongue and is unsupportive of his idiosyncrasies, his needs, his work habits... we understood one another and quickly fell in love.

Being that I'm married and M was engaged, we were never sure how to really approach how we felt about one another. We knew we loved each other and knew we would more than likely be happy together but we were both taken, and each of us too scared and paralyzed to end our relationships. But our connection grew and grew, and now I find myself craving to just be around him... desperately wanting his company because otherwise I feel so lonely and he just makes me feel... OK. At peace. Like even though we're both stressed and worried and scared, if we're together everything will be OK.

Four days ago M got married, and that same night I decided I needed to really try to separate from my husband. We got in a huge fight at the wedding (so awkward) and for me, that was the last straw. The last four days have been the hardest of my life. I can't eat, I can't sleep, I barely have the strength to walk. M left this morning for his honeymoon and will be gone for the next 10 days without cell phone access. I have no one else to talk to about this... no one else knows how we feel about each other, it would be way too embarrassing to tell anyone. No one would understand... we'd just look like horrible people. So here I am... desperately needing a hug or just to be told that everything will be ok. But I don't know how it will be OK. I don't think I have the strength to do this. I'm trying to end my 7.5-year relationship, while the man I'm in love with just got married to a woman he claims to love less than me, and doesn't get along with.

I'm just so scared. I don't know how to do this... I'm trying to stay strong and not call my husband because I know he'd be here in an instant to give me a hug, but it would only stunt our progress. It would only serve to pull the band-aid off slower.
Posted on 06/29/10, 11:44 am
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Reminder: This is a support group for Breakups & Divorce. We trust you will do your best to remain positive and helpful. For more information, see our rules of the road.

You may also create your own Member Groups where you can moderate the discussion.
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Reply #1 - 06/29/10  11:54am
" Welcome to the group. So Sorry you’re hurting but so glad you found us. Everyone here has/is going through the same thing you are. We understand and offer support, advice and even an occasional laugh.

There are things that we don't want to happen but have to accept, things we don't want to know but have to learn, and people we can't live without but have to let go.

Everyone will react differently to divorce. There are common stages you will go through. Stages much like those we experience at the death of a loved one. Knowing what to expect will help you find your way through the stages but nothing takes the negative feelings away.

Just like with grief of any kind it is common to move back and forth between the stages. You may find some of the stages easier to navigate than others. The thing to remember is that you eventually make your way through to healing and hope.

Emotional Stages of Divorce:

Denial:

You find it hard to believe this is happening to you. You refuse to accept that the relationship is over and struggle with trying to find solutions to the marital problems. You will spend time believing that if you do or say the right thing your spouse will come home. You hate feeling out of control of the destiny of your marriage. You will be convinced that divorce is not the solution to the marital problems.

Shock:

You will feel panic, rage, and numbness or like you are going crazy. You will swing between despair that your marriage is over and hope that it will be restored. It will seem impossible to cope with these feelings

You will experience some common fears when thinking about your future alone. You will wonder how you are going to survive. Will you ever find love again, will the pain ever end or will you feel this way the rest of your life are all feelings you will experience during this stage.

Rollercoaster:

You can’t seem to settle your feelings and thoughts. You swing from being hopeful to feeling utter despair. During this stage, you will try to intellectualize what has happened. If you can only understand what is going on then the pain will go away and all will make sense again.

You will tell yourself stories to try to make sense of it and your imagination will run wild. You will wonder if there was more you could have done, or if there is anything wrong with you. Maybe your spouse never even loved you. You will wonder if your entire marriage was a lie.

There is a lot of mental re-hashing during this period. You will fill as if you can’t control your thinking and find yourself obsessed with the failure of your marriage. Depression is a danger at this stage and you may cry at the drop of a hat.

Bargaining:

You are still holding onto the hope that your marriage will be restored. There is a willingness to change anything about yourself or doing anything and that if you could just get it right, your spouse would return. The important thing to learn during this stage is that you can’t control the thoughts, desires or actions of another human being.

Letting Go:

During this stage you will finally realize that the marriage is over, that there is nothing you can do or say to change that. You will become more willing to forgive the faults of your ex spouse and take responsibility for your part in the breakdown of the marriage. You will begin to feel a sense of liberation and some hope for the future.

Acceptance

The obsessive thoughts have stopped, the need to heal your marriage is behind you and you begin to feel as if you can and will have a fulfilling life. Suddenly you are looking ahead and not behind you, you are making plans and following through with them.

You will open up to the idea of finding new interests. This is a period of growth where you will discover that you have strengths and talents and are able to go forward in spite of the fear you feel. Your pain gives way to hope and you discover that there is life after divorce and the future is made brighter due to the pain you have suffered.

There is no project plan… no time line…. No schedule to when it stops hurting. But it does get better…. breath by breath ….minute by minute… step by step…. Day by day…

Here’s a manual we’ve put together to try and help:

http://www.dailystrength.org/c/Brea... "
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Reply #2 - 06/29/10  11:59am
" Wow! Get into therapy and if you need to end you marriage end your marriage - like an adult. And I think him not having a cell on his honeymoon was a good idea as calling him would NOT be a good idea. He is an adult and married another - a decision you both have to live with now.

And I don't mean to be harsh but explain this - "...he claims to love less than me." - how exactly does one do that? "
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Reply #3 - 06/29/10  12:10pm
" Life isn't as black and white as you make it seem to be... there is always grey area.

What is wrong about the emotional affair? I'm not defending it, I'm not saying it isn't wrong, I'm just asking-- *what* about it is wrong? Do you have friends whom you confide in about different things than your partner? Is your partner 100% there for you all the time with everything you need?

Again, I'm not saying that it doesn't seem wrong to go outside your marriage for something you need, but isn't that the same as what this site is doing? We're there to support one another, just like friends. We're doing something for one another that our partners aren't doing. It's too black and white to say that if your partner isn't giving you something, you should either just go without or get divorced. I'm trying to start the process, but in the meantime I'm accepting the fact that I have much to learn and I refuse to just mark something as absolutely "right" or "wrong"... it's all relative. We all have different experiences to draw on and different perspectives to offer. I'm not proud of what I'm going through but please only judge me if you're 100% perfect and cannot yourself be judged. "
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Reply #4 - 06/29/10  1:04pm
" It's not black and white. There is a grey area and people denying that are the ones with the real issues. You can't help who you fall in love with/marries or not, engaged or not, single or not. Everyone has feelings differently and everyone deals with those feelings differently. I'm sorry that he told you one thing but yet did another. It's not fair to you and it's really not fair to her either. There are many guys out there that claim one thing but then do something completely different. I have come to realize that people just say what you want to hear or say something to benefit themselves. There is no one person you can fully trust except for yourself. It's completly heart breaking. I'm sorry for what you are going thru but I understand! "
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Reply #5 - 05/03/12  4:37pm
" First off I know this is supposed to be a "support group" but I have a hard time because your situation is a lot like what I'm going through. So I'll start off by saying I support you by not going back to your husband because yes, it does stunt your progress.

I have only been married two months. My husband was emotionally cheating on me with his ex girlfriend while we were dating and two weeks prior to our marriage. Anytime we would have a fight, he'd run to her for support. We got married and left for our honeymoon and even though I knew of what he did, I still chose to marry him and get past the problems. My insecurities and jealousy got the best of me and I would find myself still accusing him of speaking to her. He would tell me he wasn't and that I needed to stop or I was going to push him away.

I started seeing a therapist for my insecurities. I found myself getting better. Maybe not at the pace he needed me to, but I could tell I was progressing. Before I'd go everyday accusing him, now I'd make it a week before my insecurities would get the best of me.

Last night we get into a fight over money. He assumed I was being insecure and jealous, which I wasn't. But he flew off the deep end and started throwing divorce in my face. He came home late last night and this morning I decided to have a peek at his ex's twitter account. Her tweet read "I wish you would just let me be. Stay with the one you married. You didn't want me so leave me be." I immediately texted him asking if he spoke to her and he said no and that tweet wasn't about him. Mind you, she has been tweeting stuff since we got married such as our wedding day being the hardest thing in her life she had to deal with, and other things such as "Please give me one sign you still think of me."

Anyway, my insecurities of reading her twitter sparked him to say that he cannot wait to get out of this marriage. The paint is still wet on the walls, people. And he can't wait to get out.

So my advice to you, drop it. Don't be the "other woman." He married her so let him have her. Don't say stuff to him, don't talk to him, don't try and convince him he made a mistake. He chose her, not you, so let him be. And do us all a favor, don't go crying back to your husband expecting him to care for you while you're hurting over another man. I'm sure it's not easy for your husband to deal with that type of emotional stress. Clearly you didn't want your husband and clearly M didn't want you. Let them both go so they can both be happy. Even if M comes to you saying he made a mistake marrying her, and he loves you more. Let him be the one to divorce her without you in his ear. Move on and find someone that you can love and that can love you back. Let M be with the woman he chose, and let your husband move on without you crying for him back because life didn't turn out how you wanted it to.

Hurting12 "
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Reply #6 - 10/08/13  8:58am
" I am going through a similar ordeal. I finally had the courage to leave my husband after years of verbal abuse and his affair. I could not bring myself to leave because of the kids. I have a great job I can afford to keep the house without any financial issues. My biggest issue I had the support of a man who is now leaving his wife as well. I am sad as hell because he just told me he needs time and space after texting every single day talking and helping each through this. I understand he needs time and space everything has happened so fast. I want to give him this time yet it is killing me not to talk to him and not contact him at all. I am miserable. I hate the fact that I am letting a man dictate my happiness because god knows he makes me extremely happy. I do not know how to be happy on my own. I need help. I put everyone else first. Leaving my husband is a step in the right direction yet this other man was there to show me things about myself that I never saw. please help. "

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