I am now 38 and have been dealing with depression and rage issues since the age of 3. For me it has been a long journey that I often wanted to not finish. Being blessed as my "father's daughter" I decided long ago that if I gave up and gave in to the depression, someone somewhere might be glad that I was gone. For me I could never allow that to happen, I will never walk away from a fight ! With me I would allow my depression to build as a child until it pronounced itself in pure rage! My parents very cleverly handled this by teaching me to focus it on something. Sometimes it was chipping wood, digging a hole,
hiking for hours with my brother, or most days before it turned to rage I would spend all my time with my animals. I never had to listen to anything from them, I would just cry for no reason and I would receive comfort. Being a fearless child I aquired a number of head injuries over the years. Not only as a child but as an adult, still as fearless. I regret none of it but, it all catches up to you at some point. Almost two years ago I went in for a C5/C6
spinal fusion, not knowing at the time that this can also be considered brain trauma. Being juiced up on pain pills got me on much of my care. I went through all the procedure of injections into the spine, that were of no use. Then had the
surgery by a Dr. that really did a half ass job! I'm finding out now all the extensive nerve damage caused and have yet to be given any answers. From day one I complained of something being wrong, increased head pain, arm pain on the right side, loss of the use of my right arm and control of my left arm, strange sensations in my feet, body temp. changes from one second to the next and the list goes on and on. Finially with the help of my family Dr., because the two nerosurgen's had fail to listen or help, I got some relief and regain the use of my arms. It took a rather high dose of
neurontin (2400mg) but I was thankful for it.There is nothing worse than feeling like a "caged lion." Right when I was feeling ready to return to work, I work with racehorses, something was going wrong. I began to have daily migrains, passing out, seeing and hearing things that may not be there, facial twitching, sensitivity to light, pains that would shoot through my head and bring me to my knees, sever short memory loss, loss of comprehension skills, confussion, personality changes,shaking,thought intruption, increased depression and lots of rage, so much rage! So back to the the Dr. I went for a CT w & w/o contrast, we were expecting only signs of Post Concussive Syndrome. We found something much worse a 3mm brain aneurysm sitting in the center right artery. I could only laugh and cry, nothing could suprise me at this point. So back to the next nerosurgen #3, he said the other pictures were so bad that I most likely did not have an aneurysm, that he would perform a test called an arteriogram, that's where they cut into the femoral artery and inserts a catherer in order to feed a camera up into the brain. Each Artery is shot full of dye to get a "good" picture. I was awake the entire time, when he shot the dye into the aneurysm I cussed him like a dog, the room began to spin, and the Dr. was taken by my reaction. In hind site I should have refused to go through with the procedure due to the fact that we were all aware that I had to begin to slur my speech. But who doesn't trust their Dr.? That night after the test, i had my first "thing." I don't know if it was a stroke or what but I now have a speech problem and constantly shake. The most disturbing part of this whole thing was that as I was lying on the operating table looking at this thing in my head my Dr. said "well I really don't like the shape of it, it looks like my thumb." When I asked what we can do he simply said nothing, we will look again in 6 months! On top of this,he upped my dose of
neurontin to 3200mg, with I came to find out is over the max. recommended limit. I have been looking for help for so long just to get some of my life back, it seems that none is there to be found! Only recently have I found my way out of that dark place where depression takes you. Not by pill , although I take what I should but by will alone. I refuse to give anyone who does not like me any satisfaction at my demise! I have contacted the Penn State Hershey Nero. Center, they are doing a lot of new
research with the brain. I have also contacted Johns Hopkins Nero Center, they also do a lot of good work. I have appointments with both places. Maybe I will get some help and return to somewhat of a normal life. I have found that with me it helps to let go of who I once was, knowing that my old life is gone forever. I can take pieces of that life with me into my new life but can never return to what I once had or was. When I first realized this it hurt so bad I wanted to die. Now I realize that If I live through what is to come, I have the chance to take all that I have learned and start a new life. Because of the pressure being caused in my brain I have very little control of my emotions, the depression can become all consuming, the pain unbariable! I find strength in
remembering who I am, I am still that fearless child inside unwilling to let anything get in her way or stop her, stuborn as a mule! All I need do is close my eyes and see her,
running her horse through an open field, arms stretched out to either side reins dropped eyes closed, flying! This is who I am, this is what keeps me fighting, this wild child inside of me. If she could handle years of untreated depression and rage than together we just might make it her and I.
Posted on 11/08/09, 09:11 am
my arm started shakin as i was reading this. i know i am much younger than u but i feel as though we r exactly the same. i too have dealt with depression most of my life. my parents divorced. my oldest sister was always a cruel bitch. my dad had another daughter and eventually broke a promise a week after he made it to me and he moved to michigan to be with them, 2 months before i started high school. but i made a promise to myself when i was much younger that i would never kill myself or let anyone see my pain. so i put on my brave face and helped him load the truck to move away from me. i could keep going but i think u get the picture. we might not be exactly the same but we deal with very similar things. yet i will forever only show my brave strong face and not let anyone ever think i have been defeated 
