What is Brain Injury
Traumatic brain injury (TBI), traumatic injuries to the brain, also called intracranial injury, or simply head injury, occurs when a sudden trauma causes brain damage. TBI can resu...
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I have been with my husband for 10 years now, we have been married for a little over 4 years. He had an ATV accident last year and suffered a TBI. Before the accident, he was Mr. Popular... always drinking, always the life of every party. We had our daughter 2 1/2 years ago, and that didn't even settle him down. Our relationship has always been a rollercoaster, when things were good, they were great... but when things were bad... they were absolute hell. He admits now that he was an alcoholic and because of the accident, he doesn't remember alot of what happened before it. It's been a little over a year now since his accident & we were getting ready to separate and possibly get divorced when the accident happened. He was very lucky to have survived, as his TBI was severe. They removed 8% of his brain - the right frontal lobe. After weeks of hospitalization, (they didn't want to release him) he came home and the outpatient therapy started. It was difficult, but we were getting through it with help from friends & family. After he was released from therapy, they put his bone flaps back in and he was doing very well. Then he had a seizure. Which was the first of many to come... He was acting pretty normal (and by normal I mean we were fighting all the time, just like before the accident) and seemed to be his old self. Things were going down-hill fast with our marriage and I moved out. I had started the divorce process and I was going through a very messed up time in my life, but after a few months of being on my own, there was light at the end of the tunnel. Then he went in for a surgery to drain the fluid off of his brain & they discovered a very lethal infection... There was nobody else to help with the round the clock care that he needed after they released him from the hospital, so I had to move back in. I will always love him, but this felt more like a sense of duty for me. When I moved back in I said that it was temporary. After he got better, we decided to work on our marriage... and it has plateued. We aren't really fighting anymore. The alcohol is no longer a problem, but there is all this 'stuff' that is keeping me guarded. I feel like he's only 1/2 there most of the time. I know that some of it is the side effects from his meds, but I am to the point where I don't believe he will ever get better. Even the Dr's have told us that 'this is it' and that there really isn't anything more that they can do. Lately I've been losing my patience & my temper with him & I feel badly about it, but I can't help it. I do love him, but is this really it? Maybe I don't love him enough? My frineds are concerned about my happiness & my well being. All I do is go to work & then take care of him & our daughter. Sometimes I feel like I have to play the role of his mother. Every now & again (when things get bad & he's hospitalized) his family will help some, but the weight is mostly on my shoulders. I keep feeling like I'm at my rope's end... I would love to have my own life & sad to say, be free of this 'burden'. I am trying to honor our marriage vows, but it becomes very difficult at times. He was never one to show much affection, but is gone now. I get nothing from our marriage, when before atleast I got a little bit every now & then. I just don't know what to do. I am so worn down from all of the meds & Dr's... all of his depression & the fact that he refuses to take his meds sometimes... I know that his confusion & memory loss are due to the accident, but it doesn't make it any easier. And neither does this constant going back & forth on my end. If he hadn't been drinking the night of his accident, it might not ever have happened. Maybe I blame him some for what happened & is still happening to us. Our finances are in ruins, I am the only one able to work & my job dosen't offer benefits. We can only pay for the health insurance for another few months, after that it becomes unaffordable & I don't qualify for government assistance. I have alot of stress and no outlet, lol... maybe I need the meds too! Any help or insight into what I am going thru will be appreciated!!! I am not trying to be selfish & make this about me, but I just can't do this anymore. It's just too hard for all of us involved.
Posted on 10/27/09, 08:10 am |
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I have only a suggestion. I do not know exactly what is available and what your situation is, but I do know a TBI is considered a disablity. Perhaps his doctors would help you get started to getting some disability income coming in...and perhaps medicare/medicaid to help cover the costs of health care. There are probably several more members here that can explain the process in more detail.
I am a survivor and I do know I'm not always easy to get along with or be around and I do really try to be like I was before the accident. It just happens. I don't have any advise about your marriage, but you do have to take care of yourself. May God show you the way to get the help you need! God bless! 
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08Sporty, thank you for your reply!
We have started the disability process, but he keeps lying to his Dr's and telling them that he is fine & back to normal, so they release him to work. He wants to work so badly & I understand that, but all he knows is factory work, so that's what he wants to do. But factory work isn't the safest option for him as he has trouble with balance, focus, hearing, use of his left side & hand, and processing a situation. He also has grand mal seizures. I fear that any job he gets will be too much for him, as he can't handle much walking or activity. I praise him for wanting to work and be the person he once was, but I also know that if he told the truth he would hopefully be able to get disability, and that would help our financial situation tremendously.
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You poor thing. I am the wife of a survivor. I understand your pain. We are also a year from the accident.
Believe that it will get better. Your husband has had a lot of set backs and that has slowed down his recovery. Now that those are stable, he can improve again. Even little things set these guys back. I've been told that it can take several years. Also, try to get him some different doctors. The idea that nothing else can be done for him is ridiculous. Possibly, they are neurosurgeons and what they mean is THEY can't do anything else. He can receive therapy or treatment/meds through a psychiatrist and/or neurologist. And, also, just because they say nothing else can be done, doesn't mean he is "done". To give you an idea or the other philosophies out there, my hubby went to an appointment about a month ago. He was stressed so he was horribly confused and disoriented. At the meeting the doctor declared, "well, I think you are doing GREAT! It has only been a year"
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Because your husband insists he's ready to go back to work and you are concerned about it. I have another suggestion. Take him to Vocational Rehabilitation. They are trained in many ways. Then if your husband can work they can help place him in a job...helping him make that transition. If he cannot work they can help on that end as well. They can also offer other resources to help him progress to the point he may be able to work again.
The process takes a while...a Voc rep, would see him several times while a doctor only sees what he can in a very short time. They most likely would put him through several different kinds of testing, both physical and mental. They can even help him go to school to earn a degree in a field he would be successful in... I know, because even before my TBI they helped me earn my degrees! His TBI will only help push him to the top of the list. I'm glad you shared a little more. I certainly understand the desire to work and that could explain some of the trouble your facing. I found a site yesterday that explained the stages of recovery we go through after a TBI. I can't find it right now, but...will keep looking and post it here when I do. It sounds like he's in the denial stage (I do know all about denial...I still want to!!)
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Web site that lists stages of recovery
http://www.tbiguide.com/ Its an online book, lots of good info.
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I am a TBI survivor. You are doing a wonderful job, first off. You have been given a heavy, heavy task, taking on the caregiver role, and in the condition you say your marriage was already in. You are right about the marriage vows though. When you marry, you don't do this just for yourself. You do this as a great adventure to take together forever. In most cases. I do know it is not always peaches and cream. When you married you said the vows for richer or poorer, in sickness or in health. Well, you have both of those on the table. I know this is extremely difficult for you. I could go on and on. And give further encouragement and advise and recommendations that may help you and your husband, but I need to know you are listening. So you can request to be my friend or not. Totally up to you! Take care! nsm
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I feel your pain. My 18 year old son was in a car accident. He had brain surgery to repair bleeding. One month in a coma, one month in patient rehab, several months out-patient rehab. He needs more rehab but the insurance will no longer pay for it. Which sucks!!
He had his bone flap repaie 8 mos later. He was a regular teen- loved to drive, work, hang out with his friends and girlfriend. Now he is depressed- he nolonger has a girlfriend ( his own fault), his friends hardly bother with him anymore because he isn't the same anymore, and can't work. He has tried to work a few times but his short-term memory is awful, he drops things, has no ambition or motivation, but most of all, doesn't realize any mistakes are "HIM". It is so frustrating we fight quite a bit because he is so negative, always criticizing me and others as well. People don't seem to understand. He says things that are uncalled for or innapropriate. They think he is just being an A*#. This is not the child I had before. My husband and I sometimes fight because of the frustration. We hardly ever fought before. Life is just so frustrating!!! I feel your pain of feeling obligated to take care of him. But you cant do it if it is going to take away from who you are and your needs. Guilt is an awful thing to live with but always remember, no matter what, you were the one who stood by him during this tragedy-noone else!
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I myself suffer from brain injury and am now dealing with a brain aneurysm. I know what could happen to me and would never want my husband to feel the way you do. Sometimes you have to walk away when the situation is killing you. Your daughter needs a happy mother, she being the most important factor in the situation. It is not the lack of love, you will always love him. It is a matter of what is best for her, is this the best situation for her? The stress, anger,pitty, confussion all these thing you try to hide she sees and feels. You can care for your husband from a distance, it is ok to protect your child. It is what he would want you to do. The man you married is gone, and to stay you will have to except the man he is now. I don't know if this has help at all or just made it worse but, I would hope my husband would walk away and let our new lives begin.
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Get a counselor for yourself and maybe join a support group. You have to have some time away to rejunvenate yourself. The medical world is tough. You would have to have him declared incompetant to take over his decisions, but I am sure that will be very difficult because he is making decisions with Dr. It's a conundrum. I had to issue ultimatums to mine to even get him to accept testing. "Either do it or move out." Don't use ultimatums unless you are willing to follow through. But get counseling for yourself. It's helped me immensely.
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