Brain Injury Support Group

Hi - I am new here. My story might be on the rather unique side so please bare with me.

I'm in my mid 40s and divorced (no kids). After a hellish, brief marriage (back in 2005) to a 'closet' endstage alcoholic who I left after 8 months of marriage (I did not
know he was an alcoholic when we married) - I met a wonderful man.

He ended up not only being someone I loved incredibly but also a great friend. When we first met, I had to go to court because my exhusband violated his restraining order, and my boyfriend
was there for me every step of the way. My former husband died as a result of his drinking a few months after that court appearance.

My boyfriend and I were seriosly involved for a year and a half. While it was a great relationship, there were some issues that went on with his exwife and his 3 kids.
I suppose things happened too quickly - as we began dating before his divorce was final and it might have been a lot for the kids to deal with - but none of that
really matters accept to say the relationship ended after 18 months, and I was quite hurt. It was not what I wanted.

Over the past 5 months he's remained in touch with me - from a distance, through a variety of ways. Posting my photos on his facebook,
texting me to see how I was, sending me flowers on my birthday, etc. However there were no actual phone calls or request for reconciliation.
I stayed strong and did not over-react when he did various things as I really did not know what he meant by any of it - I dont' think he did either.
He actually dated others, I was still working towards that. And then after 5 months his texts increased, then he called, had been
in my neighborhood and wanted to meet for coffee. I missed that call.

The next day we texted and then spoke on the phone. He said he missed me, still loved me and wanted to try again. After talking for over an hour,
he wanted to meet me for dinner. I suggested we wait a few days but he inisted on seeing me THAT night. (If you believe in fate and everything happening
for a reason - then you will see there was a purpose for that meeting.) We met at the restaurant where we had our first date. The minute we saw
one another we embraced - it was like nothing had ever changed. We talked, and laughed and smiled for hours, and then held one another for another hour
and a half (no longer IN the restaurant, lol) - telling each other all the things we had wanted to say for the last few months. It was by far one of the best nights of my life - a night I had
dreamt about since the breakup. A night I will never forget and it indeed seemed like an incredible dream - - which 48 hours later, turned into the worst nightmare of my life.

The following day he sent me a dozen roses - something he had done on a number of occassions previously. I called to thank him and
we joked and laughed - feeling that excitement build - just like it does when we first fell in love.

The the following morning bright and early he texted me saying good morning - XOXO, we texted and flirted and then I got to work, ready to start my day.
A few hours later I stepped away from my desk and missed his call - he left me a funny voicemail and asked me to call him back.
I did - but there was no answer. Later that day I learned that he had been in a horrific motorcycle accident - and air-lifted to the closest Trauma I
hospital in our state. They saved his life - but it was touch and go for a while.

He punctured a lung, had a compound fracture in his leg, broke his pelvis - - but worst of all, he was in a coma, suffered a diffuse axonal injury.
He was hooked up to a drain in his head that removed the blood and fluid, and another tube that measured his ICP.
I visited him every day he was in the hospital - fearing I might not see him again if he lost the fight.

But he began to improved, was weened off his ventilator about a week and a half later, he'd open his eyes when they moved him but would not track with his eyes.
2.5 weeks after the accident he was transferred to one of the best rehab facilities in the country.
That is where he remains now - in a minimally conscious state.

As many of you on here can imagine I have many emotions. I'm terrified, devistated, depressed and so very sad. WHY did this happen?
No one knows how much he will recover. He's begun to move his eyes when they are open, and he moves his mouth but I don't think he is trying to speak at this point. He moves his hands a bit,
will turn his head to sounds — but then other days he will not do as much. The therapists are encouraged at his progress thus far (he's been there almost 3
weeks).

I have read an incredible amount of information on TBI. I know this is a marathon NOT a sprint. I know every injury is different, every patient's recovery is different.
I know some of the less severe injured survivors sometimes don't recover as well, and some of the survivors who have more serious brain injuries actually surprise
everyone. I know - that no one can say for sure HOW much he will recover, and I know - to never give up hope.

But - - - it is so hard to watch him like this. I go often to visit him, and every time I am about to walk in his room I get a big lump in my throat, my stomach
gets upset and I get shakey - as if it is the first time I am seeing him all over again. But that quickly goes away. I feel better to go, because he may hear me,
and maybe I am making a difference. But I also know is taking a toll on me. I've begun looking into a support group - so maybe I can speak to others about this.

I'm not his 'family' - so I have no say in any of his care, but luckily I do get progress reports. That said, I've never been told exactly what types of injuries
to his brain were sustained or what they see or if they have a 'best guess' prognosis for him. Maybe it is too soon for that.
Since we had only JUST met up with one another, no one knew our situation. He did not tell his friends for family - he's a very private person plus
I would not doubt that he wanted to be sure what my reaction would be - before he went around sharing this with others!

The irony of this is - for 5 months I was still hurting to a degree over the loss of this relationship. Then he came back and I was on top of the world.
Now - I don't know if I will ever hear his voice again. I don't know if he will remember me, or even
want me there. I've read all about the stages of recovery if he continues to improve, how he will not be the same person - and that is okay.

At this point i just want him to recover and have a good quality life - I can handle not meaning the same to him, to being just a friend, to me it is ALL his choice, I just want him to live a life.
That said - my emotions are all over the place because he is someone I love very deeply.

I hope I didn't go on too long or upset anyone with my feelings of fear and sadness, I know that I should put my energy and focus into HIM, and never lose HOPE.
But - - - I get a little worried about me sometimes too. :(

If anyone can share some success stories of similiar injuries or just stories of how you can relate - I'd be very grateful.

Thanks for listening - Lisa
Posted on 06/29/09, 03:06 pm