Brain Injury Support Group

You are definately in a quandry and I wish I had some good advice. I'm the mild-TBI-er in my relationship and it's kindof the flip side. I've learned a lot about what I'm wrestling with and want my wife to be on my side, but she minimizes and belittles my efforts to communicate and help her understand. she could help me with memory and planning/execution issues, but she just won't even consider it as a reality. I'm finding myself having to isolate myself from the negatives and it's just splitting us further apart. She fills me with frustration at her ignorance. She thinks that enough time has passed that I should be alright - won't do any research, read or learn anything about TBI, indeed she scoffs if I mention it with a 'there you go again' kind of flavor which is very stifling, just the opposite of what I need.

I think you are doing the right thing by learning more and educating yourself, hopefully that will give you some tools to use. I wish you the best. Sounds like maybe some kind of mediator that can bridge the communication gap might help, though he might not appreciate the value of it.

I'm one. He don't want to aknowledge TBI. Its natural. I think. It's good you're there for him-I had family 300 mi. away! Don't harp on him--gently prodding like a cow is prob. better!!lol Depending on how serious, shit usually gets better if its mild. And if he's led in the right direction. too often though, people don't look out for themselves!! i mean caregivers like u. Sometimes a good kick in the ass-figurativly-can achieve wonders!! Don't coddle him or you'll be in trouble!-just a stupid opinion-worse tbi's are, well, worse. This is my 5 yr. anniversary of mine!!!! Good luck

It sounds to me as if he in still in the denial stage. As an almost 12 yr post injury survivor, I know there are many stages/phases one must go through. My advice is to first get him to a support group. Contact your area brain injury association, meet the service coordinator, find out when where the spt groups meet and start going to those. I am on the TN Governors TBI advisory council and chair of our ground roots TBI coalition. It is hard to get the coalition going 'cause some survivors don't want to go out into the community to talk about their injury/ its' related problems to educate other survivors, community and family. to find your area bia check out the BIA on the web. http://www.biausa.org, here in TN our bia has it's own web site at http://www.braininjurytn.org

Keep helping him. It sounds like he is in denial of some sort. It takes time to heal, lots of time depending how severe it is. Depression is a large obstacle of which I am fighting with now along with daily headaches and pain. Just don't give up on him like my exwife did. That was a majpr setback for me but I am fighting it. Sometimes it wins, but mostly I do, now. The excessive drinking doesn't help with the healing of the brain at this early of the process. I drink everyonce in a while, but not to much. I couldn't imagine dealing with a hangover with my other symptoms I get each and every day. Good luck.

I got my tbi a little less than a year ago, and it was mild/med. I am not in a relationship so I can't help in that area. What I can tell you is that I was very reluctant to go to therapy or to see my neuropsych. When I finally did it didn't help me that much so I stopped going, the main reason I finally went is it was kind of needed for an insurance thing. I was really smart before, and I'm getting better now so that helps. I used to be a pretty social drinker (minimum) and was for a while post tbi. Somebody on here told me that drinking was about the worst thing I could do for my healing brain (makes a lot of sense lol, wish I would have thought of that or somebody told me earlier). So I drank no more, much to my disliking, but low and behold I could notice a significant difference within a week or two. I was a pro/semi pro poker player prior to tbi, and since I have had major problems with memory and problem solving which basically destroyed my ability to play. Since not drinking it is coming back a lot better and I am able to re-train myself and I am making good progress in that area. I hate not drinking, but if it's drink and be an idiot my whole life I'd rather play cards and be smart.

My guess for the reason the doc prob isn't that on top of him is making it there is that all the docs I have seen don't really know that much about this anyway because nobody does and it is all different. They seem to either be uncomfortable and feel bad, or be interested in almost learning from me about it. They main things they did for me was to tell me to wait 2 years and whatever doesn't go away prob wont, and tell me how to function differently now because of how I am different post tbi. They also listen and try to be understanding and sympathetic. I don't really need that, your hubby may or may not? I think a lot of it depends on what people did prior to injury and what kind of person they were, and what kind of resources and support is available after tbi. My neuropsych. also said that all shortcomings/addictions or any emotional or psychological problems pre-tbi are magnified after injury. That's my take and info, anyway hope some part of it may help out.

I'll add you to our prayer list. I've recovered from multiple cognitive challenges/head injuries. Trust me, if you have one, chances are there will be more, especially if the town hasn't complied with the Americans with Disabilities Act of 1990. There are several locations like this in south Arkansas, one town contributed to over 20 known cognitive challenges. Back to your life, I didn't act this way, so I can't give advise. However, there are behavior issues that we deal with today, 30 plus years out, however due to medications I'm doing things not done in 30 years. www.headtohead.org/?art=255 or www.amazing-kids.org/ezine_25/inte...

Im not sure what I can say but I had a tbi in 2003. and my behavior was a lot like his. Hes very frustrated with himself. I drank a lot to because I was frustrated with myself but i quit in July 08. It was time I got honest with myself. No one could make me change but myself. Through going to AA it has really got me in touch in touch with my inner self. My advice would be try to suggest a AA meeting. Thats a great start to getting honest with yourself! Have a great day and God bless you. Be strong and keep coming to this site for advice!

My husband had a tbi that he was never able to acknowledge or deal with. We just split up and are almost through our divorce. I am not saying that to tell you that is your path. You have to figure our a different way to deal with him than the way you did before. It is like getting to know a whole different person. the trouble with me is that I didn't like the new person he was. A difficulty is that I knew him very well and he had a problem with my knowing things about him he forgot he told me. I found that I cannot give him too many details. I can only say "you need to be HERE at 10:00". He had about a 40% chance of remembering that, but if I threw in a "your brother is going to be here at 11", my husband would show up around 1 and wonder why everyone was mad at him for being late. One of his impairments was inefficient retrieval of memories, he trusted what came from his brain more than he trusted his wife.

The drinking is a huge blinking becon of red light warning. If you can't get him to see it is detrimental to his health and doubly bad until he has his tbi figured out, you may be in for some real problems.

I also dealt with the anger and personality change. He just did what he wanted whenever he wanted. And yelled at me, even in front of the kids, constantly. That's why I left the marriage. I lasted 4 years post tbi, and it was 3 years too many.

THANK YOU to everyone who responded!!!
I'm trying so hard to stick by him through this, but he just told me tonight that he is done going to the doctor's because he doesn't need it anymore and he is healed. He drinks so much more now. Last night I watched him bong a beer and was so hurt that he would do that to himself. He is 31 years old and is acting like he's in college. I know he is going to do whatever he wants, but our marriage is struggling because of his new attitude and behaviors. He's the one who thinks we should get a divorce and sometimes I think I'd be better off with that decision. On the other hand, I am trying to hold true to my marriage vows and the commitment I made. It's just hard to see him not help himself and not want me to interfere in his life. He's so up and down with me. One minute he wants to snuggle and do things together and the next (like tonight) he tells me that he was putting on an act and he doesn't really want me. I hate feeling this way and I don't know how long I can take living life like this.

Neets24, you have to do what is right for you. Keep in mind that you have to take care of yourself TOO. I had the same view about the marriage vows, until a group of my friends sat me down and told me they were afraid for my safety and the safety of my kids if I continued to stay. Only you can decide when and if enough is enough. I wish you luck in your decisions. I have second thoughts for leaving, but then I look at the positives that have come my way since I got out from under his constant verbal abuse. I can't guarantee for you that things will be better or worse if you stay or go. Each situation is different. As I said to another friend from this site...80% of marriages where tbi are involved fail, and now we know why. We tried like crazy to not be one of those 80% but couldn't make it work. No shame in it. Just self preservation. Take care of yourself in all of this. Do what is best for you. Get a counselor for yourself, where you can explore your thoughts so you can make decisions.