Bisexuality Support Group

I agree that honesty is the cornerstone of any relationship, bi, straight, gay, lesbian, whatever. My g/f and I are open and polyamorous. We have chosen this path for ourselves for several reasons, but one of those reasons happens to be that we are bisexual. She has more experience than I do, however, we agree that denying that part of ourselves and the expression of our bisexuality is not healthy for either of us.

I don't think its about morals, necessarily, because many would look at an open, polyamorous relationship as being immoral. I think its purely about honesty. Its about one's ability to be honest with themselves and honest with their partner, spouse or mate. We have it so drilled into our heads that once we find a partner that's the end of our sexual lives, we have to deny ourselves anything and everything that would be a romantic expression of any kind that is not directed at one single person. We are not allowed to think about, look at, fantasize about, lust after and most certainly are we not allowed to have sex with anyone but the one person we're with. Yet, the bulk of the population still does this. We find ourselves in a relationship. We find ourselves having sex with someone. We then become attracted to someone else and feel guilty. The guilt doesn't stop us from fantasizing, which causes more guilt. The fantasy leads us to masturbating or even imagining them during sex, then more guilt. Next, we may even pursue someone else and have sex with them. This is yet more guilt and now add lies to the mix. Because at every turn we are taught to believe that we have to lie about all of this. We are not allowed to be honest about any of this. Sociological conventions and religious morality teach us this.

Sorry for that rant. But I really do think it comes down to honesty. Being honest with one's self and honest with each other. Its not a perfect system by any means because I could fill up other forums and threads with talks about jealousy and the art of mastering it. The need to view each other as people rather than possessions, etc. etc. But the point remains.

I am bisexual. I am honest about it. I love men and women sexually. I love my g/f and I will continue to love her emotionally and sexually. I also love men. I have the capacity to love them emotionally, although I don't currently have a boyfriend; I love them (men) sexually. At this point in my life and my relationship, I am honest about my need to express both of those parts of myself. I have been lucky enough to find a woman that shares these views and can be on this journey with me.

I hope everyone finds such honesty and love in their lives.

Peace,

~A

Just to clarify, I'm not at all saying that bisexuality requires open relationships or polyamory. In fact, I'm the first to admit that lifestyle isn't for everyone. I think it works for me because it allows my and my g/f to be more honest.

In an exclusive, committed, monogamous relationship the same honesty is required. It saddens me that it doesn't happen that way, however, I do think it is required and if anyone is unable or unwilling to do that for their partner then they shouldn't be in a relationship.

The biggest thing here, which Brenda really hit the nail on the head with, was that being unfaithful and dishonest gives bisexuals a bad name. What I think causes the biggest confusion is that we're all individuals. Even though the term "bisexual" applies to me, I don't think it really explains the way I am any more than "brown" accurately describes the color of my hair. One of the biggest myths about bisexuals is that we can't be monogamous. While not all bisexuals want to be monogamous that doesn't mean there aren't some of us who can be quite happy in committed, exclusive relationships. And when you look at the statistics there's just as much reason to believe straight people can't be monogamous.

Whisper, I admire what you and your girlfriend have achieved in your relationship. It's great that you've found something that works for both of you, and a large part of the reason it works is because you're both honest with each other.

I think the importance of honesty is something that has to be emphasized. For one thing it reflects better on bisexuals as a group, but, most importantly, it's impossible to have happy, healthy relationships without it.

I'm so pleased at how the responses to my post have been so positive - it give me hope! I agree with NiceGuy and add my congratulations to you Whisper, for having such an open and honest relationship with your partner. That's what it's all about!

The sad thing, though, is that I think we all believe in honesty in principle, but often find it hard in reality. There are times when a little white lie seems better than the truth--even if, in reality, it's simply easier.

That's what seems to make it so difficult, especially since a little white lie can snowball into a whole messy group of bigger lies.

I agree with you Nice. Lying is a vital part of our natural psychological defense system. Without it, we could never hide our true intentions and in some situations (drastic ones, mind you) that's vital. Also, without lying there'd be no fiction, no fantasy, no imagination. I think as with most things, the trick is to be moderate with it and also, keep our intentions pure rather than malicious.

Wow. I never thought I'd be arguing in favor of lying. *sigh* I hope you guys see my point though.

I never brought my sexuality into play when discussing monogamy. It's irrelevant really. if I say it's exclusive, living by those rule of the relationship is like breathing. I however am in an open LTR with a Bi Male. It works for us in the aspect of not denying the urges exist. When I can't meet a need or a viable subsitute then it being met by someone else is ok. And same for me. But to quote my other half, "I don't mind rules so long as everyone plays by them."
The only upside I could see in a supposrt group for Bisexual partners is to help understand the desires of that sexuality. But in theory, shouldn't that come from your mate? To me it's no different than if your other half wants a red head, a thinnner person, or heavier... It's the reason some play dress up. It is someting that should be openly discussed regardless of sexuality. But that's my two cents.

BigBiGirl, I think you're right, but desires can be tricky things. I can see why even someone in a monogamous relationship with a bisexual might need some outside support and reassurance, because they're probably going to ask themselves, "Am I enough for my partner?"

While being honest about our desires sounds great it can also be terrifying. There's an old saying that sex is a small part of a relationship when it's good and a big part of a relationship when it's not. Technically that may not be true, but the point is that when our desires aren't being fulfilled the pressure can really build and spill over into other areas.

And for those of us with "alternative" desires, opening up to a partner can be really scary. What if our partner rejects us, or runs screaming from the room? If we're in a relationship that's great in every other way, we have to ask if our desires are really worth sacrificing all that.

I'm all for honesty, but I also understand that being honest isn't always easy, nor is it always straightforward.

i would say that all people who cheat are scum.. they ALL cause horrendous amounts of pain and whether you cheat with someone of the opposite sex or the same sex it's still terrible. Sure you'll see a lot of bisexual ppl cheating.. but you see a lot of straight people cheating too. That is a defect at the individual level.

I agree that cheating is abhorrent behavior. My g/f and I have a saying though, rules are okay as long as everyone plays by them. So, we know that we are going to be open and pursue others (of either gender), that is a rule we communicated to each other. If she were to suddenly come back to me and say that wasn't okay with me being with someone else, and lable me a cheater, well that would mean that she isn't playing by the rules we agreed on.

So I guess what I'm saying is, honesty is the cornerstone to a healthy relationship whether you're bi, straight, gay or lesbian. Communication though, pure, open and communication has to be the foundation. If you can't communicate, as scary as it can be to do so, then you're foundation is weak and you're cornerstone isn't going to hold up your house.