Bisexuality Support Group

Another sleepless night has me at the computer quitely sobbing while my beautiful family sleeps. I am a 29 year old married guy with a beautiful wife, two beautiful kids and a job that I love. From the outside, I am living the dream. On the inside, I could almost feel the ulcers form as I struggle through another sleepless night thinking about things.
I suppose I will get into the Reader's Digest version of my background so you will understand my struggles.
From an early age, I found myself to be a very sexual person. As many pre-teens and teens, I was also very confused about my sexual identity. I would constantly think about girls... but then thoughts of boys would also get into my head. The tried my hardest to supress those thoughts, but it would never work. I never knew what brought them on, and just struggled with how abnormal I was. Without getting into too much detail, I could say I was taken advantage of by a couple different people when I was very young... which I always thought might have played a role in my orientation. I do not want to say I was sexually abused, as in some way I was also not turning it away.
Fast forward to early High School, and I was your normal boy. I dated many girls, had sexual relationships with many, and did all the things a boy "should" do. Still in the back of my mind though, thoughts of other boys would be there. Except for a few times "playing around" with other "straight" friends, I stuck with girls. Every gay joke or comment from friends though tore me apart inside... as in some way I knew that was me.
In college I was dating a beautiful girl who I would later marry. As with many people, this was my first experiance with new people of different backgrounds. I explored my sexuality a bit more in college, but was still very limited. My relationship with my girlfriend was strong, and my sexual relationship was great. I shouldn't have needed anything more... yet the guilt from my desires and sometimes actions left me feeling like there was no choice but to end things. To try and understand myself, I took my pysch classes and even human sexuality. I was able to better understand some of my desires at this point, but still punished myself for feeling them. I just wanted to come out and tell people I was bi-sexual, but never had the guts to. I was living a straight life for so many years, I thought I would lose all my friends and family if I did this.
I continued to live my life and try to push any "deviant" thoughts to the back of my head... and it worked for a while. I got married and started a great life. Things went downhill inside for me during this great time though. I started gaining weight trying to cope with my depression that no one else saw. Each passing day was another day of me lying to myself and everyone I knew. I wanted so bad to just tell my wife of my desires, but I knew of no such way. I was already too deep. I thought she would never understand me, accept me or want to be married to me. I loved her so deeply I felt it would destroy her if I dropped that kind of bomb on her.
Then came my moments of weakness... the ones that keep me up at night. Much like when I was younger, I felt like I was taken advantage of... yet I did not stop it. Maybe a few too many drinks and some playful talk or teasing showed my inner desires. Next thing I new I was messing around with another guy. Not to get into details, but I never let it get too far, and I always was safe. The time that sticks out in my mind and I kick myself for was getting involved with someone at work while on a trip. When it started, I was in an altered state. I had a recent accident, and was on some very strong pain killers. I also made the mistake of having a few drinks that evening, which I never should have done with those medications. Even though I have struggled with things, my best judgement would have kept me away from any type of activity like this otherwise.
So, I was not an active particpant that particular night. I suppose I fulfilled the fantasy of this guy of being able to do something to a straight guy. The next day, I wasn't even sure if it happened, or if I dreamt it all. A few e-mails later I realized I in fact did. This was a person I liked and trusted though (and still do). I do not hold anything against him... he is at least brave enough to be out to the world. I never wanted to do anything again with him though, as again, it was against my best judgement. The problem was though, I was so afraid if the opportunity came around again and I turned him down he would somehow try to hurt me, out me, etc. I know in my heart he would not have, but it is still what I thought. So, after that initial time there was another time that happened. I will not blaim pain killers this time, but rather fear. I still talk to this guy and we are friends... he really is a nice guy. We will really not have the opportunity to get together anyway and he lives far, so I at least do not worry about this happening again.
The thought of putting my job and life in jeopardy for this kills me though. How could I ever explain this if it were found out? The shame from something like that would leave me few choices the way I see it, and the thought of that eats me up inside as well.
So that is pretty much my background, but I do need some advice I guess. I am still happily married here, have a great wife and an amazing sex life. I have had other times "playing around" with guys, but have not had it go "too far" and 100% never felt anything emotional towards them. It is purely a deep sexual motivation.
So where do I go from here? Do I keep having little side sexual flings and live with the horrible guilt daily? Do I somehow bring it up to my wife that I have these desires and admit to what I have done? I love her and my family more than anything and would do anything for them. I do not want my life to change... my relationship is strong. How would I test the waters with her to get a sense of how she would react? I just can not figure it out. It is not like I am gay and trying to act straight. I am who I am. Without being full of myself I am very good in bed with her, and enjoy every second of it. I am 100% attracted to her and I am not thinking about guys when I am with her at all. The question also comes up in my mind of "is it cheating?". To that I do not know the answer. I was getting something that has been deep inside my head forever, and it is not something she can provide.
There are guys out there that could ruin my life if they wanted to... and that keeps me up as well. Not that I think any of them would, but it is possible. What would happen if she heard it from them?
I will stop rambling on now and maybe find some type of advice or help here. I have called some help lines in the past, but really found no comfort in that. Granted I called with some very dark thoughts in my head, and was helped in that way, but in the end I am at the same point with myself.
Thanks for reading and if you were in the same boat or are, I would love to hear any thoughts or advice you might have.
Posted on 06/29/09, 04:06 am