What is Bisexuality
Bisexuality is a sexual orientation which refers to the aesthetic, romantic, and/or sexual attraction of individuals to other individuals of both their own and the opposite gender ...
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My lifelong struggle, guilt and temptation
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Another sleepless night has me at the computer quitely sobbing while my beautiful family sleeps. I am a 29 year old married guy with a beautiful wife, two beautiful kids and a job that I love. From the outside, I am living the dream. On the inside, I could almost feel the ulcers form as I struggle through another sleepless night thinking about things.
I suppose I will get into the Reader's Digest version of my background so you will understand my struggles. From an early age, I found myself to be a very sexual person. As many pre-teens and teens, I was also very confused about my sexual identity. I would constantly think about girls... but then thoughts of boys would also get into my head. The tried my hardest to supress those thoughts, but it would never work. I never knew what brought them on, and just struggled with how abnormal I was. Without getting into too much detail, I could say I was taken advantage of by a couple different people when I was very young... which I always thought might have played a role in my orientation. I do not want to say I was sexually abused, as in some way I was also not turning it away. Fast forward to early High School, and I was your normal boy. I dated many girls, had sexual relationships with many, and did all the things a boy "should" do. Still in the back of my mind though, thoughts of other boys would be there. Except for a few times "playing around" with other "straight" friends, I stuck with girls. Every gay joke or comment from friends though tore me apart inside... as in some way I knew that was me. In college I was dating a beautiful girl who I would later marry. As with many people, this was my first experiance with new people of different backgrounds. I explored my sexuality a bit more in college, but was still very limited. My relationship with my girlfriend was strong, and my sexual relationship was great. I shouldn't have needed anything more... yet the guilt from my desires and sometimes actions left me feeling like there was no choice but to end things. To try and understand myself, I took my pysch classes and even human sexuality. I was able to better understand some of my desires at this point, but still punished myself for feeling them. I just wanted to come out and tell people I was bi-sexual, but never had the guts to. I was living a straight life for so many years, I thought I would lose all my friends and family if I did this. I continued to live my life and try to push any "deviant" thoughts to the back of my head... and it worked for a while. I got married and started a great life. Things went downhill inside for me during this great time though. I started gaining weight trying to cope with my depression that no one else saw. Each passing day was another day of me lying to myself and everyone I knew. I wanted so bad to just tell my wife of my desires, but I knew of no such way. I was already too deep. I thought she would never understand me, accept me or want to be married to me. I loved her so deeply I felt it would destroy her if I dropped that kind of bomb on her. Then came my moments of weakness... the ones that keep me up at night. Much like when I was younger, I felt like I was taken advantage of... yet I did not stop it. Maybe a few too many drinks and some playful talk or teasing showed my inner desires. Next thing I new I was messing around with another guy. Not to get into details, but I never let it get too far, and I always was safe. The time that sticks out in my mind and I kick myself for was getting involved with someone at work while on a trip. When it started, I was in an altered state. I had a recent accident, and was on some very strong pain killers. I also made the mistake of having a few drinks that evening, which I never should have done with those medications. Even though I have struggled with things, my best judgement would have kept me away from any type of activity like this otherwise. So, I was not an active particpant that particular night. I suppose I fulfilled the fantasy of this guy of being able to do something to a straight guy. The next day, I wasn't even sure if it happened, or if I dreamt it all. A few e-mails later I realized I in fact did. This was a person I liked and trusted though (and still do). I do not hold anything against him... he is at least brave enough to be out to the world. I never wanted to do anything again with him though, as again, it was against my best judgement. The problem was though, I was so afraid if the opportunity came around again and I turned him down he would somehow try to hurt me, out me, etc. I know in my heart he would not have, but it is still what I thought. So, after that initial time there was another time that happened. I will not blaim pain killers this time, but rather fear. I still talk to this guy and we are friends... he really is a nice guy. We will really not have the opportunity to get together anyway and he lives far, so I at least do not worry about this happening again. The thought of putting my job and life in jeopardy for this kills me though. How could I ever explain this if it were found out? The shame from something like that would leave me few choices the way I see it, and the thought of that eats me up inside as well. So that is pretty much my background, but I do need some advice I guess. I am still happily married here, have a great wife and an amazing sex life. I have had other times "playing around" with guys, but have not had it go "too far" and 100% never felt anything emotional towards them. It is purely a deep sexual motivation. So where do I go from here? Do I keep having little side sexual flings and live with the horrible guilt daily? Do I somehow bring it up to my wife that I have these desires and admit to what I have done? I love her and my family more than anything and would do anything for them. I do not want my life to change... my relationship is strong. How would I test the waters with her to get a sense of how she would react? I just can not figure it out. It is not like I am gay and trying to act straight. I am who I am. Without being full of myself I am very good in bed with her, and enjoy every second of it. I am 100% attracted to her and I am not thinking about guys when I am with her at all. The question also comes up in my mind of "is it cheating?". To that I do not know the answer. I was getting something that has been deep inside my head forever, and it is not something she can provide. There are guys out there that could ruin my life if they wanted to... and that keeps me up as well. Not that I think any of them would, but it is possible. What would happen if she heard it from them? I will stop rambling on now and maybe find some type of advice or help here. I have called some help lines in the past, but really found no comfort in that. Granted I called with some very dark thoughts in my head, and was helped in that way, but in the end I am at the same point with myself. Thanks for reading and if you were in the same boat or are, I would love to hear any thoughts or advice you might have. Posted on 06/29/09, 04:06 am |
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There's nothing wrong with being bisexual, you should admit to that but cheating is a completely different story. You need to tell your wife, because you're cheating her by going outside your marriage. 
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First you need to relax. There is nothing wrong with being bisexual. You are completely normal and the fact that you are attracted to men sexually as well as women doesn't make you less of a man and it certainly doesn't mean that you love your wife or family any less.
Next, if you are in an exclusive, monogamous marriage, you need to stop sneaking around. That is a lie and you don't want to live a lie, and you don't want to risk your marriage. A much safer alternative for now is to just watch some guy on guy porn and let your fantasies take care of you. Its not a long term fix by any means, but it can be a sort of a band-aid. Finally, remember that you are not alone. I know that myself and at least one other user are here to support you. Being a man and bisexual doesn't carry the same allure, or the same intrigue that being a woman and being bisexual does. Men are often times still rejected and still ostracized because of their orientation. There is a bisexual men's group here on DS. Its not very active at the moment, but I encourage you to join it and make some noise! We need to make ourselves heard so that we can be here for each other. You will find a lot of support from the bisexual women in this forum though. We're all here for you.
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I'm happy to see you getting good advice here. It is absolutely true that there is nothing WRONG with your for being bisexual. And, while we aren't here to bash you for cheating on your wife (which yes, that's exactly what it is), that was indeed wrong.
What's done is done however. My concern right now is your state of mind. You're not in a good place, my dear, and you absolutely must take care of yourself first, and then make things right. I think, like Whisper, that you need to talk to your wife. She loves you - give her some credit! It may indeed be a blow to her, and she may have difficulty with it, but she deserves to know - it DOES concern her, and you have to respect that. You need to really think about how to go about it, and if you like, I will try to help you with that. I'm not a professional or anything, and don't profess to be, but I'm pretty good at dealing with difficult issues like this. I'll send you a personal message, and you can answer if you like. And, just so everyone here knows, I will say flat out that you should never take anyone's advice as gospel, or as medical or psychological fact. They are merely opinions and suggestions from people who may know what you're going through. Before you do anything, you should speak to a counselor.
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I don't really know what to say besides the fact I know how bad hiding your sexuality can eat you up inside. There were times I felt I was suffocating from the heavy burden (of hiding who i am) on my chest. I fell into a deep depression starting when I was 16 (now 20) and at a certain point (barely a month ago, maybe less) I felt the need to scream who I was to anyone who would listen. I was sick of feeling alone, sick of not enjoying my family because of the pain I had to endure everyday. I finally came out to my mom on June 16th of this year. She asked me why I was having such twisted thoughts and told me to talk to God. But see, I talk to God everyday and I felt God was telling me to be true to myself. As much as her comments hurt me, I no longer feel that heavy burden on my soul, crippling every other aspect of who I am. I feel it was worth it to come out because now I don't live in so much pain.No matter what others may say, You MUST realize that being TRUE to yourself is the only way to really discover happiness.
I actually know someone who decided not to come out, but instead decided to not deny it when asked about it. And remember, if people in your life don't accept you (it will hurt) it is not your fault and you should let their choice fall on their shoulders. You simply cannot control the judgements and opinions of others, but they should not make you feel bad either. No matter what, You are a beautiful person and you were made the way you are for a reason. To deal with your sexuality, I believe, requires more strength than the Averge Joe can muster. Keep fighting and follow your heart. Stay true to who you are. Feel free to message me anytime. I'd love to help. :)
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i'm so sorry you feel that pain. i'm bisexal andi can releat in a way
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Mark, you can't go on like this, you're tearing yourself up inside...I felt a huge wave of anxiety just reading your thread, I cannot imagine what you must be feeling...many of us (me) have these feelings, it's just different shades of sexuality, there's nothing wrong with it, except when you are in a committed relationship....is there anyone you can talk to? Just to get it off your chest might help, at least in the short run..
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I'm sorry that you've been going through all of this Mark I understand that this is not an easy situation to be in because things have gone on for so long. It sounds to me like you didn't ever have enough opportunity to explore your sexuality and so this overtime has caused you major supression. I think being open with your wife is going to be the only way forward because firstly it is causing you alot of internal suffering and secondly if she hears from someone else then I think that could be alot worse.
There may be the possibility that she may know already, just be prepared for things to change both on her part and on yours, and do seek counselling long-term for the affects of what ever happens.
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Can't think of advice but wow.
~~~hugs sent
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Just want you to know Mark that you are not alone. I really feel for you, I have been uncertain about my sexuality for a long time and feel i cant move forward. I am not a confident person because I feel i dont really know who I am. It can be really difficut I know, but like others say you have got to look after yourself and then figure out what is best for you but I more than understand your fears. You take care and good luck with everything. You seem like a lovely person and I hope it all works out for you in the end. YOu have done nothing wrong except be yourself. XX
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um... i think the bigger problem here is that you cheated on your wife. Unless she's homophobic she could have come to grips with your sexuality.. but you cheated on her. the right and ethical thing to do would be to tell her that you cheated... as most cheaters, you are a serial cheater (meaning you cheated more than once) and she has every right to never trust you again. Being bisexual is NOT an excuse for cheating.
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