Bipolar Disorder Support Group

Greetings all.

I am losing my hold on myself recently I have so much exterior strain that is making it impossible to hold up my interior structure. I have been untreated / un-medicated for the past ten/eleven yrs. I have no support group and most people that I associate with have no idea I am diagnosed Bi-polar. As I work for a school district and don't wish to get the bad stigma that some people link with those of us who are Bi-polar.

You know when I get the worst off I always have a dream where I am in this flowing dress walking though the sand and into the gulf and I just continue walking until I am consumed and I drift to my own death. When this dream starts returning I always know I am in for bad times. However what I have been experiencing lately has been so far out there beyond my dream. In fact just a few days ago I went to the hospital because I had shortness of breath, chest pains, and vision was impaired. My blood pressure was 168/91 I was told by the ER Dr. that I was having stressed induced panic attacks. This is a very new development. Have had attacks where I felt helpless and overwhelmed but never so far gone that it actual altered my physical well being. (other than fatigue).

My family is dysfunctional at best. My birth mother is diagnosed schizophrenic . I have one sister that is also diagnosed schizophrenic. And I believe that out of the 6 of us that at least 4 are Bi-Polar. Between bad genes and my birth mothers cocaine addiction during her pregnancies with all of us I assume it just comes with the territory that we would be "special". I also have many aunts, cousins, and grands that have had a variety of mental disorders.

I am the matriarch of my family as those who are older than I, can not care for my siblings . I have three kids of my own- plus my youngest brother is in my care. I have also started the process of possibly taking one of my sister two small children because she is unable to care for them. My grandmother who raised me (and who I call Mom) is on her death bed in and out of hospitals.

My husband comes from a different culture that believes that women should wait on men hand and foot -(so I do). He loves me greatly and I him but I have no real freedoms or support from him.

My job is high stress and full of craziness and problems. I could go on and on about my dysfunctional life and times. In fact there is so much to tell that honestly most people I have tried discussing it with probably think I must be a lair. I mean most people cant phantom a life so chaotic and turbulent.

When all is said and done though I am lost right now. completely and utterly lost.I fear there is nothing to been done about it. I panic everyday my moods are swinging so hard I barely feel one before the next is unleashed. My body aches all over and I just want a release. I just want to walk off in the night and not stop. Vanish- I want to stop this pressure and this pain. I want the world to stop spinning and the people around me to just leave me the hell alone. Yet when I am alone all I want is some one to call. There is no pleasing or stopping my inner demons.
Posted on 11/10/09, 06:11 pm