Bipolar Disorder Support Group

don't think that...maybe just you leaving would be better...you dying is not going to solve anything. Believe me...I want to die right now too but I know it's a mistake...my husband's a drunk and my kids adore him...go figure...they need me to support them so I can't die. surely you have someone in your life that needs you

I say this.....as a guy. It doesn't matter HOW much he loves you, if you are wincing at his touch because he touches you....think what kind of message that is sending him?? It really don't matter how much a guy is turned on.......(most guys) If they are not the "rapest" type, and if he really loves you what do you expect to happen if you wince or cringe or pull away when he does something? No matter how "hard" he may be....most guys (including me) will go limp noodle in less than a minute if the girl does something wierd. My wife does things like that all the time, so when she does, I just tell her what happened, and that I can't keep myself turned on when she does those things..........Everyone is different...girl and guy, and I don't know if that is what is causing the problem....but it IS a possibility.

If I turned him off that much why the hell is he with me?

you know what i do? i don't know if this would help you but im really good at fantasy. I close my eyes and pretend i'm one of the hot porn star girls he is always looking up on the internet...im sure he is imagining the same thing anyway...it works for a while anyway

Jess,

I've been in that horrible place you are at so many times, it just seems like being frozen and on fire at the same time, and you scream but no one seems to know what you want, even when you tell them point blank.
However, no one likes being screamed at all the time. Eventually, they move on, because it's a form of abuse for them too, even though with BP we often can't help the floods and outbursts.
Myself, I am ending a 23 year relationship, and it is both like the deepest pain with him, or without him.
I am breaking up with him, because I came to realize, that I need to "fix" me to get at a level where I'm not not scorching and causing immense pain to those around me.
God yes, it's lonely! It's horribly painful to not be understood and rebuffed.
The pain for me lasts all day, from the time I open my eyes, to when I close them, often overmedicated on purpose, so I don't have to feel.
BUT ABOVE ALL! PLEASE, PLEASE, don't off yourself! I used to take care of people who would come into ICU, (can't count the numbers!) I've SEEN the people who took an elephants dose of meds, thinking they would die and didn't, they only ended up with all kinds of tubes shoved everywhere in thier body, and they would have liver, kidney & brain damage. Some lived painfully until they died, or they ended up in rest homes with their relatives turning thier backs on these lost souls, because THEY themselves could not take the pain of not being able to understand/help/stop thier loved one from such finality. Seeing all that play out in other families, keeps me from downing a cocktail.
As to cutting yourself, if that is better than suicide, and you don't do it deeply, then while I wouldn't give you a "U go GRL," I'll just say from experience. I have so many scars on my body, I look like some freaky leper. I HAD to release. I so understand this. Yesterday, I cried for hours, and hours. I finally had to rip a few scabs off and let them bleed. The pain made it so better. Baby steps for me. I used mto do this several times a day, now, maybe twice at the most.
Please write to me personally. I am there where you are.

v00d00 is right, lou is right. You're fighting a battle youcan't go alone. You may have some issues with body dysmorphia, but cutting and wanting to overdose are not signs of thinking fine. They are signs that you need help to get you through this.

Not all meds make you gain weight and you can talk to your p-doc about that when you get one. In the meantime find another therapist if you think the one you have is not helping you. Someone who specialises in dealing with patients who cut and who have body issues.

Honestly, what your boyfriend thinks doesn't matter. It's how you feel and what you want to do to heal and help yourself that matters first. Sex and sexiness are the least of your problems and maybe he doesn't understand but screaming at him isn't going to change how either of your feels at this point. When you feel better and are more confident about your body, when you learn to love all your body parts (or at least like them) then he will respond better. Or maybe he won't and he's not the right person for you.

It takes two people (at least) to be in a relationship and each person has to work at it and give as much as they receive from their partner. He can't give you confidence or a belief in your attractiveness, that's gotta come from you.

And maybe you should look at whether being with someone is right for you at the moment. How can you be good for him if you're not good for yourself at this time.

It might be lonely at first. It might be painful to be alone, but you have to learn to stand on your own feet and validate yourself before there's enough of you to share with anyone else.

I hope you feel better soon and get the right kind of help, the help that you really need.

~b

Hey JessykaAnn,

I saw that you don't want to gain weight from meds. I didn't want to gain weight either. But the med my pdoc put me on actually made me lose weight. Ask your pdoc about Geodon. It's expensive if you don't have health insurance though. Hope that helps a little.

I have been where you are across the past few days. I read something yesterday -- a silly fiction novel about a psychic who helped the police catch a serial killer. In it though, there was a story of the aftermath of suicide and even if there are only 2 people who care about you in life, that you can destroy those lives. It really made me think. I mean I heard everyone tell me I'd be missed, but I hadn't seen all the pain. I was crying in the cafe I was reading in, but I didn't care. I really needed to see that message.

I hope you feel better soon. Dying won't solve anything. I want to die too, but killing myself is just going to leave pain in my wake.

If you are worried about being attractive, I believe missu. Try living a fantasy. One thing I do sometimes is I sort of play a dominant role. Other times I play a submissive role. It changes things up.