Bipolar Disorder Support Group

sounds to me, most importantly, that you are a survivor.

the damned mental illness makes me feel like a defect too, so i don't really know what to say, but i wanted to know you've got my support. you're not alone.

(((hugs)))

Thanks, MojoPaw :)

I am so sorry you feel like this. i am sorry your mother talks like this to you. She must have had things happen to her in her past to treat you like this.

Are you onmeds?

Do you know how to meditate? Is there a library near by that you can read about meditation?

Feeling this awful is so so ....hard.

Hugs

This illness can be soulcrushing, You aren't worthless, regardless of how people have treated you. I've disappeared to and no one cared, so I know how you feel - Big Hugs

Marilyanna - I am on meds, but the hospital put me on the same meds I was on before I went off of them about a year ago. I'm afraid that maybe the meds aren't working like I thought they were or maybe need an adjustment.

I do know how to meditate, I just don't know how to get myself to do it! I love to read and research so maybe I should pick up a few books about it.

Heretic - thank you :) I agree, that is the right word for it: soulcrushing.

For the first time in the history of my illness I have been doing a mood chart the past few weeks. I'm just cycling up and down like a rollercoaster so something isn't working. My case manager at MHMR did give me her cell number if I needed anything - maybe tomorrow I will call her and see if she can get my next doctors appointment moved up or something.

Now that I think about it, Seroquel used to knock me out and it doesn't even make me drowsy anymore. That's weird.

I hate feeling like this... I hate for my DH and kids to see me like this. I wish these thoughts would just go away!

Thank you for responding, you guys are awesome for helping me through this :)

"I suddenly disappeared for 8 months (doctors said I had a "psychotic break" because I don't remember what happened during most of that time or how I ended up in Texas), so don't tell me I am not worthless because that proves I am."

I truly can't see how that experience is somehow proof that you are worthless.

You mean, because no one (as far as you know) even looked for you while you were gone?

That's very sad, but it doesn't mean that you are worthless.

A healthy mom doesn't perceive her children as worthless and a nurturing mom would never, ever say such a thing to a child.

How your mother treated you, growing up, is not a reflection on your worth as a person. She was (and is?) sick in her mind.

Growing up, the thing we want most of all is to be loved by our parents.
And when a parent does not show or feel that love, it's often very damaging to the child's sense of self-worth. And unfortunately, the child does not usually 'outgrow' it.
.
If we have that poor self image, we take it with us, wherever we go.

Yeah, I think when we're suicidal, it's hardly ever that we really want to die.
We just want the pain and sadness to stop and the only way out that we can see is suicide.

I felt worthless and defective. And ashamed of being defective. A year and a half or so of really excellent therapy helped me to realize that I was not worthless. And to heal from the damage done to me when I was growing up.

Because of what I went through and all that I learned, I know that you are not worthless, either.

Don't confuse being treated like used toilet paper with being as worthless as used toilet paper.

The way out of where you are now may be totally hidden from your eyes, but try to accept it as being there. There IS a way out. A way other than suicide.
As totally impossible as it seems to you right now, you can learn to think of yourself differently. To value yourself and your life and feel love and happiness.

For me, the answer was therapy. I highly recommend it. But not just any therapy.
You must find a therapist you feel is the right 'fit' for you. Three or four sessions is usually long enough to know if you're in the right place or not.

That addresses the emotional turmoil caused by the unhealthy environment you were raised in.

The Bipolar Disorder has to be dealt with, as well.
I hope that you are in the care of a good psychiatrist.
Meds can make such a difference.

I'm sorry that you feel so very blue right now.
I'm wishing the very best for you.
You're not worthless.

(((((Hugs)))))

If Seroquel isnt making you tired, something is def up with the meds.
I support you and am sending a gentle hug

For me, the worst part of the bipolar madness is the way it can attack anything without warning. In my case, I do mean ANYTHING! Catch me at the right spots in my cycles and I can demonize love, peace and happiness. I have the proofs of my 20,000 page journal to back it up. A few of the living humans I have demonized over the decades will find relief in offering testimony.

Physical inventories help me allot. The most volatile phases of my cycles have physical symptoms. For example, as I type now, I am feeling the trill sensations from my celiac plexus I associate with anxiety. I can expect irrational emotions today. I am likely to experience much of the conflict between fighting to protect my territory and the desire to run away from it. Just an item on the inventory alongside the weather report. I'll need my umbrella for portable sun screen, too.

But that is me.

You ARE worthy. You CAN find what works for you.

Psychotic breaks aren't exactly accompanied by clarity. They are a disconnection with all that is perceived by the sane to be ' reality'.
You can think about the hurt of guessing about what happened at that time.It's all a blur anyway.So concentrate on the here and now.
There are people that care about you, around you, now.
You are also doing a mood chart.
You have a family that cares.

That's a ton of positives really. Even though there seems to be a strong parental friction in this too. But they are not your future ultimately.

My own suicidal thoughts are always there , you just have to know it's the illness and not really you.And like the tides some days will devour and other days will pass unnoticed

All the best to you.

I'm glad your reminding yourself - THIS IS DEPRESSION!

Feeling worthless, disposable and hopeless is part of its job description, you will feel better again, laugh and have goals, I promise - your bipolar : ) You just need to survive and keep reminding yourself.

For me, when I'm that bad - I will go to pdoc weekly and keep changing those meds, till I found at least Relief... inpatient, they can change drugs rapidly since your being monitored - can you go inpatient for a few days? Pain is inevitable, suffering can be lessened... with out stability, I cannot work on getting rid of my pain, having a fucked up family and no one caring... I'm a survivor too!!! ((((BIG HUG)))))

We are here for you! Keep venting, ranting and getting it out : )