Bereavement Support Group

Hi-

Many of you have asked me to post regarding forgivesness and grief after loss. My case is not as unique as it may sound, the statistics are pretty high about these kinds of stories. My son, Matt, was killed in a car accident at the age of 23. I almost lost my mind with grief over it all. His mother was absolutely inconsolable and my brother, who was Matt's favorite uncle was just speechless with fury.

My son was driving in his friend's car on an early Fall evening. They were just being guys, radio on, seatbelts on, no one was drinking, though other nights they probably did. Kids don't know that they are mortal.

Matt was in the front seat and somehow, without any reason we were able to discover, Matt's friend lost control of his car and the car flipped over and landed against a tree. My son was unconcious when the paramedics took him to the hospital. His mother and I went to the hospital and the doctor told us that Matt would not live. He regained conciousness under deep sedation only for a few minutes. He was only able to mumble. I don't really remember what he said, my wife said that he said, I love you both. I will never really know, but I am glad she heard that.

But this story is about Matt's friend. To respect his privacy, I will call him "David". They had been friends for a long time and were in and out of each others' cars, apartments and lives.

David was not hurt. He didn't break anything and he basically walked away unscathed. But did he really?

While his mother and I were so grief stricken, we could not breathe or talk at first, we came to know after a few months that David was suicidally depresssed about having "killed his friend." It would be a lie to say that angry thoughts didn't come in our heads sometimes.

But as time wore on, after we buried Matt, we of course went through his things. There was so much of David in his life and we both came to realize, after some counseling that this young man was equally a victim in this accident. While he waited to be cut out of the car, his friend died beside him, in an accident that was basically his fault (is an accident really ever anyone's fault?). Can you imagine was going through in David's heart and head? I can't, but I saw it in his eyes.

We talked to our therapsist, we raged against the unfairness of it, and then one weekend we were talking and we both realized that lovimg Matt meant loving his friend. This could have easily gone the other way and our son been at "fault".

They were young and happy and carefree. No one meant it to happen and we agreed that to have David suffer without forgiveness was actually to kill him too. We called his parents and we all met at his parents' house. We expressed our love for our son and our grief over losing him. David was pale and nearly fetal with pain.

I saw my son in his face and without any concious decision, I walked over and put my arm on his shoulder and said, "it was an accident. It should never have happened, but you are not going to be sacrficed in this. You didn't mean it to happen, it was a senseless accident. You are and always will be a part of our lives. If you can accept our forgiveness, we want you to know that you are part of this family." His mother cried, my wife cried and David was in shock. Suddenly, he just started sobbing. He was literally gasping for breath, he told us how sorry he was and that he would do all that he could to represent Matt in all he did in life.

I know this is a bereavement board and maybe this not a bereavement story. But I think many of us have had "unfair" deaths in our family(s). I don't know if this is how we would have reacted with a stranger, I only know that we were finally able to sleep. And slowly, we put Matt's pictures back up and started to go forward.

David now comes over from time to time. We invite him for Matt's birthday and we always remember his birthday. He is working through is own sense of guilt and trauma and we know that his remorse is real. I hope he can someday truly forgive himself, I hate seeing him waste his life on the past and on an accident.

I think that life is not fair. I think that terrible, senseless things happen. I hate that my son died. There are still days when I have to go to the gym and punch that punching bag for an hour. My son should be here, but he is not, he is gone. And my wife and I just couldn't add David to the list of casualties in this horrible tragedy.

For us, forgiveness helped us heal. I do not suggest that works for others, we each have our own stories. I was asked to post mine. I do not have answers and the grief here is all so real. I hope we can all find answers or at least comfort with each other.

Thanks for listening.

MattsDad
Posted on 10/04/07, 06:10 pm