Bereavement Support Group

I was a little nervous to join this site... as i dont like to show or make people aware of my hurt. i dont cry infront of anyone. I tend to pick up the pieces and keep going, but lately...everything is crumbling down upon me. I fear that hearing others stories, or being told its going to be o.k., isnt going to help, or heal anything. So I ignore the grieving process, but i know eventually, like now, its slowely all going to catch up to me.
Well, to start off I mine as well tell my story.
My husband and I were together two years before getting married, we were engaged for one year. We had a wedding planned, (were so young, him 27, me 23) that we went for a smaller wedding outdoors with family at a park, until we could afford a huge celebration. We wed July 30th, 2009. (realizing a couple weeks beforehand, i was pregnant!) It was absolutely the best times of our life, newlyweds....soon to be first time parents. Life had JUST begun!!! Unfortionetly, 5 days after the wedding. I asked my husband to pick up the wedding certificate from the town hall on his way home from work... So I could be added to his insurance, and see a doctor. My husband, (on his motorcycle) was around the corner from where we lived, when cut off by another driver in his lane. His helmet (ALTHOUGH STRAPPED) flew off, and the only thing that happened to hit pavement, was his head. After police drove me to the hospital, telling me he was ok. I arrived and immediatly was greeted by surgeons with papers asking my permission to remove part of his skull. (I had no idea 5 days earlier I, would be his decision maker) I waited hours until the surgeons came back in telling me the likelyhood of him living was zero to none. They put him in icu, where he laid unconscious for 6 days. All the while I had to sign papers deciding what organs to give away, what medicines to keep him on, whether or not to restart his heart if it were to stop, and to keep the breathing tube going. (i didnt want to deal with this, i wanted to pick him up and bring him home). I stayed at the hospital, in a spare room, and awoke Monday morning to a phone call telling me to make my way to ICU. As I walked into his room, doctors stood around me telling me his condition was taking a turn for the worst. I grabbed ahold of his arm, told him I loved him...and as soon as I did that, his heart monitor went to zero. There he lay, motionless, a LOVING devoted husband and father to be, just 11 days after our wedding.

I want to hold on so tightly to him, and pretend like hes still here.. like im going to wake up one day- and there hell be. But reality is, its not possible. I think every greiving process has hit me at one point or another, i just push them aside. Im angry, at the other driver, seeing as how it was proven his fault entirely, im mad that i wasnt with him at the time, guilty that I asked him to go pick up the certificate, i want to know why me and not him. Im angry that im having a little girl- seeing as how everyone hoped for a boy to replace him.. ive let them all down. Im excited about my pregnancy, although im not happy, and its absolutely not the fun time I was expecting it to be. Many days I dont want to be here without him, I would rather lay to rest and meet him where-ever he may be. After all, what life is worth living when the one you were living it for isnt here anymore? it was not his time, and it certainly, like any death, Is not fair. My heart aches daily... I work across the street from where we wed, every time the baby kicks its a slap in the face that I, alone, am going to have to raise this child and explain to her why daddy isnt around anymore, when I myself dont and never will understand why. Im lost. and hurting. and so afraid to lose the baby, yet expecting the worst. Yet at the same time, if i were to go..would be satisfied. I am scared to die, but i want to be with him. Who knows where my life will lead, I could be struck by lightning tomorrow, right? Lifes not guaranteed, nothing is. Ive learned that for sure.

Well, coming to the end of my longg story... has anyone...ever been through something similar? I know plenty must have... but how, in the world, did you deal?
Posted on 11/07/09, 10:11 pm