Bereavement Support Group

I will warn you I can ramble.
We lost one of our twins last New Years Eve. She was 3 1/2.
My twins were taken 6 weeks early. I hadn't felt movement all day so we went to the er and once they got me up to L&D they tried to find both heartbeats and had trouble getting one of them. The next thing I know the triage was filled with people and they were shaving me and saying I was going in for a c section. There wasn't even time for an epidural they just knocked me out. I woke up later in the worst pain ever and them saying one baby was taken by ambulance and the other by helicopter to the Childrens hospital.
I had to stay away from them for 4 days until they would release me.
One of the twins,Eleanore, had had severe brain bleeds either right before or right after birth. The other twin, Clara, was doing better.
They think they had TTTS twin to twin transfusion syndrome. Eleanore was the donor baby, she weighed a full lb less, and Clara was the recipient.
While they were both in NICU, ten days after they were delivered, my dad died suddenly after gallbladder surgery. The Dr did something wrong causing him to die. He never got to see my twins.
Clara was ready to go home within 15 days but they kept her a few days longer just to help us out since we were dealing with my dad's funeral. He lived 4 hours away and it was the end of July and very hot out.
Clara was tiny but did great.
Eleanore was in NICU for 4 months. They finally really had nothing more they could do for her so they let us take her home.
She was a spastic quadriplegic and had severe seizures several times a day. She had a feeding tube. She only had about 5% brain function.
We treated her just as we did Clara. Eleanore had just started at a special school. She was doing really well and really enjoyed going.
We moved into a new house on December 20th. We slept in our bedroom,Eleanore slept in there with us because she could not swallow her own secretions and had trouble breathing some night, anyway we slept in our bedroom for the first time on that night,Dec30. I woke up in the early am Dec 31 and noticed I didn't hear her breathing. I touched her and she let out a big gasp. I woke up my husband who picked her up and then called 911. They were here right away and my husband and her went off to the hospital. We have 6 other kids here so I stayed here. He called an hour or so later to tell me she was gone. I think we both knew before we even called 911 that she was.
Anyway it has been hard. It's been almost a year now and I don't know how I should feel. Some days I feel horrible for not thinking of her. For laughing and enjoying life. But it's not fair to the other kids if we all sit around and dwell on it.
I still feel guilty and that it is all my fault. I should have known something was wrong sooner, while I was pregnant.. I should have done something.
There is this one Pearl Jam song that I listen to a lot,Present Tense. It is something I need to listen to.

"You can spend your time alone redigesting past regrets,
or you can come to terms and realize
you're the only one who can't forgive yourself.
Makes much more sense to live in the present tense."

I have got to figure out how to get to Present Tense. If not for myself then for my kids. Especially for Clara. I don't want her to ever feel like any of this is her fault.
Posted on 11/06/09, 03:11 pm