What is Bereavement
Grief is a multi-faceted response to loss. Although conventionally focused on the emotional response to loss, it also has a physical, cognitive, behavioural, social and philosophic...
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I lost my mother 2 weeks ago (10/20). I am 36 and she was two days from her 67th birthday. She was diagnosed with ALS (Lou Gehrig's Disease) about 18 months ago and she fought an amaizngly brave fight. She wanted so much to live a full life, and she never gave up, despite being told that the disease was terminal. She passed away very quickly before I could even get to the house that day. The first two days were a blur. Whenever I wasn't crying, I was staring into space, unable to do something even as simple as getting into the shower. Then my father put me in charge of her memorial service, which took all of my energy the next few days. But now I feel like I've hit a wall. Now that our friends have gome home, the service is over and I've returned to work, I feel nothing. Just numb. I've barely cried. And that feels more strange than letting my emotions go all day. Due to some issues with my father, I had to begin cleaning all my mother's things out of their home within a few days of the funeral. He wants her things "gone" or he will sell them. I just couldn't bear this, so I've been unloading a lifetime worth of belongings and storing them for now. Instead of grieving, I've been working to save these memories. Now I've returned to work and nobody knows what to say to me, which makes me feel very alone. I just feel as though the grieving process has been shoved to the side for me. I want to write to her in the journal I bought for that purpose, I want to look through her photos, I want to be alone and cry, and I want a to NOT be forced into social functions where I have to be "on" right now. How long can you give yourself before you allow others to drag you out of your house in the name of getting you back out there? I just want some time. This is still so fresh, and I miss my mother so much. I just don't know what to expect or what is considered normal. Any help?
Posted on 11/03/09, 11:11 am |
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Everyone grieves differently for a different amount of time and intensity. Just do what you need to. Cry when you feel like it and sleep when you can. Don't let anyone tell you you need to "get over it", when it is time your grief will change and allow you to have a new normal. Find a bereavement group in your area. Contact a hospice, they usually know where the groups are. Come here and speak to others who have been through what you are going through. 
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I am truly sorry for you loss. It is very hard to balance life and your grief. If you do not want to go to a social function , do not go. You do need to find time for yourself. It is hard at work because people do not know what to say. People I had known for years, just ignored me, that was very hard.
There is no time limited on grief. I do not know what is normal, for each of us it is different. But the people at DS do and understand what you are going through. Use us as your sound board..... Lots of hugs!!! Deb
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I am very sorry about the loss of your Mother. My suggestion is very simple. Get all of your things and rent a storage space for the. From what I understand they have companies all over the US that are relatively inexpensive for storage.
I'm not throwing anything of my Mom's away until I am good and ready too-and those will be items that are not very personal to me such as some clothing that perhaps some poor or homeless people can use. But even 1 item now is too many and her room is left intact and will left so until I decide otherwise. I have no arguments as it is my home, and that's just the way it is. People know that I need my "space" and I respect others wishes to. Talking little is good for me although I do come here and give some advice at times-for whatever it's worth. I merely suggest some things from past experience but never pontificate to others. Yes, I've taken my Mother's death very hard and I rarely talk about it. When I do it's limited. I'm dealing with my grief the way I feel is best for me. Others have their own ways. Having said that I can probably understand your Dad as he is dealing with it in another way. It's a terrbile thing when someone close to us dies because not everyone reacts the same way and if it's a guy like me who can be a little rough around the edges at times (like today) when it comes to my Mother then it makes things hard I know. It's hard enough on myself believe me. So let your Dad deal with it in his own way, and you do what you have to do. That's all I can say really. Time is your best ally. Good luck.
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Oh Rose, I'm so sorry for your loss. This greif thing knows no normal. It's different for everyone of us. Only you know what you need and want to do. I understand completely about your Mother's things. I face the unthinkable task of going to my sisters home this coming Sunday with my niece, her only child who just turned 25. My other two sisters will be there with us. I want to go, I want to keep all of her things and I know it's impossible. What I'm trying to avoid typing is...she died in that home, she was murdered in that home. I want to remember all the good times we had there, but how am I going to react knowing what happened there..the last moments of her life? We have to empty the house completely. Her homeowners insurance is paying for restoration. This is what I learned and I'll share with everyone here, perhaps to help the poor soul that has to go through this some day. Since it was a crime scene, the fingerprint dust and other investigative procedures stain everything. Walls, floors, everything with a handle, furniture etc. So in order for my niece to sell the house, it has to be emptied completely, so the restoration can be done. It's going to be hard. I'm afraid it will set me back in this process. I'm pretty much afraid of everything right now. The dark, noises, being alone, going out in public. All those things frighten me and I'm facing each one of those in my own time, my own way. Anyway, I can't believe I just told all of that. And I'll be more surprised if I hit the add button. Just know we are all here for you, to vent to, or just read what others post and take what you can from it. I do believe we will all find a light at the end of this long long tunnel.
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I am so sorry for your loss. If it's possible, just take all your mother's belongings and bring them to your place/storage space. If possible just pack everything up in boxes and move it. No looking, just take it all. Then when you get to your home, where you can be alone with her things - go through boxes one by one - when YOU feel comfortable. If you feel like crap - don't smile, don't act as though things are fine. Be yourself and let others around you deal with it. Yes, it is hard to figure out what to say to someone who has just lost a loved one -especially a parent but you always have ppl on here. It makes my heart ache to imagine what you went through with your mother's struggle with ALS. Try to just remember, she is NOT suffering. She will always be in your heart. Try to take things, one day at a time. Write me anytime.
My Aunt, like a best friend & mother to me, passed away from ALS in 2007.
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Dear Rose -
My sincerest condolences on the loss of your Mom. It's one of the greatest heartbreaks anyone - but particularly, a daughter can face. My stomach churned as I read what you've been put through in a concentrated period of time. It's true. You haven't been given time - even for shock - let alone mourning. Taking part in the planning of a memorial service - when it's sudden - is difficult - how can one think at a time like that? If it helps at all, I had alot of time. While being told I was "in denial" about my Mom, I was shopping/planning for the arrangements, clothes, etc. a year before my mother passed away. And still, I made big mistakes. Mistakes, I'm left to deal with emotionally now - while I'm told to move on. And I can't. You have a big hurdle - many hurdles to overcome emotionally based on what you describe. You haven't had time to mourn. My advice is not to make any rush decisions about your mother's items. GOOD GIRL ! You put them in storage, which I would have advised. Better there than lost forever. Remember - the smallest item that seems insignificant - will later be missed by you, if you make rush decisions. These items possess what another poster on this board refers to as "the essence" of our Moms. It's a term you will understand more with time. Don't be in a rush to discard anything. Take time right now, to take care of YOU - that's what your mother would want.
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Sandyslilsis ....I know what you mean about the clean up of a crime scene. Also, most people are not aware that when the police leave, they leave everything behind and walk away with whatever they have taken as evidence. You are responsible for getting a crime scene cleanup crew. When my youngest daughter got out of the hospital, she had to stay with my sister because there wasn't a crime scene cleanup crew available to come out in time. And then when I got out, they still weren't available so my son had to find a regular housekeeping crew that would take it on. They did their best, but we still found blood stiains and worse when we moved things around. I watered one of my plants one day and when I pulled it out, the whole back was speckled with blood. Luckily it was my own because I was the one attacked in that room. There was a bloody footprint in my daughter's room when my sister came to pack her things for us to move. Death does so much more to people than anyone who has never had one near them realizes.
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Rose, again I'm so sorry you're going through all of this. My grief counselor talked to me yesterday. She was concerned we'd throw things away because we're in a sense rushed to go through my sisters thing. She suggested one pile for keep, one pile for donating and one pile for I don't knows. The I don't knows will be boxed up and stored until we do know. My heart goes out to you.
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Give yourself as much time as you need, Do it slowly! You are your own boss in this grief process! I was willing to go out in 2007 and 2008. Now, in 2009 I am happy to be left alone! We are all different. (HUGS) kristina
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I'm sorry for your loss. Just try to take it slowly. Everything you're going through is normal.
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