Bereavement Support Group

Ok. I'm ready to get this off my chest. I need to let it go. I figure the sooner, the better. Maybe then I can move on.

I delivered my infant son in April of this year at my doctor's request. He was and will ever be, my only son as I cannot have any more children. He was a late term delivery (nearly 7mos).

Last year I got married to a man who promised me a life of camplete and total support and love. But he was more in love with his 30yr old daughter than me. I became pregnant and that's when the nightmare began.

Long story short, I did not know that my body was one of those bodies that "rejects" a pregnancy as a foriegn object. Even though I was a new mother, deep down, I knew something was wrong. I stayed swollen all the time and I kept having pains, unrelated to a normal pregnancy. I would voice my concerns to my doctor whenever I went to see her for my check-ups, but it seemed as if no one was really listening to me. I was so swollen it looked like if you took a pin to me, I would pop. My husband never went to a single appointment with me. Fed up, I left him when I was 6mos pregnant.

While on my own, I continued to get worse. The pains in my back were becoming more frequent and more severe. I tried to look on the positive side of everything for my son's sake, but in all truth, I was scared to death.

I will never forget what happened next. A mother's worst nightmare becoming reality: I was at home when the back started again. This time worse than I had ever felt them before. I was almost paralyzed, the pains were so bad. I remember praying to God to help me if I needed to go to the hospital, as I didn't have anyone else to call. Once the pain subsided enough for me to move, I packed an overnight bag and drove myself to the emergency room. I sat in the parking lot for 45min not sure of what to do. When I finally went in they kept me in the emergency room for about 6hrs running tests on me and my son. The doctor was shocked at what he saw and could not believe that I was still alive (at this point I did not know what was wrong). They sent me to the intensive care unit and it still did not sink in that there was something seriously wrong with me. After what seemed like forever a my doctor and another doctor walked in to tell me that I was dying. In fact I will be dead in another two or three days. I could not believe it and would not accept it! I wasn't dying. I screamed back at the doctor that I only came in for back pain, I wasn't dying!!! I wanted to go home at this point. The doctor told me that at this point that if I left, I would not make it back. In fact they needed to take my son in order for me to live..........

My whole body had rejected this pregnancy and was shutting down. My liver and kidneys were no longer flushing toxins out of my system in an effort to get the foreign object. That was why I was so swollen and hurting. Two days to the time that the doctor said so, I was indeed taking my last breaths. I could feel my son moving around as if he knew what was about to happen and somehow seem to welcome it. I guess he too, was in pain......

I started drifting in and out of conscienous, when a nurse asked me if there was someone they could call for me. There wasn't. They began to explain that my son would not live past this delivery because his lungs were not developed and he was three weeks behind in developement. But that if I did not act now to terminate the pregnancy, the two of us would simply pass away....

I blacked out and the delivery happened. It was explained to me that my pregnancy was of one that they had never seen. My son did not want to "let go" and they could not administer any drugs to me until they got him out, due to the fact that he was still alive and kicking. It seemed that he knew that the longer he held on, that eventually I would join him in heaven. Time for me was running out...fast. He finally did come out and they began to administer drugs to me to get my system back up and running.

I am thankful to be alive, but I am missing my son. It was nothing short of a miracle that God got me to the hospital when He did. I still can't help but wonder, that if someone would have listened to me earlier, would I have Kelly (my son)?
Posted on 10/26/09, 05:10 am