Bereavement Support Group

I'm not sure I can help but I'm going to offer an opinion. I lost my Mom, not a wife or girlfriend, so maybe I'm wrong about this. But I don't think you should view it as letting go. That implies you just forget and move on, like a girl you broke up with. I see it more as adapting and assimilating the loss. Your wife will always be a part of you. You are a better man for having shared part of your life with her. When you are ready to date again you will. How about seeing a pro bereavement counselor for perspective? Also if your wife appeared to you in a dream or as a ghost, what would she tell you to do? Would she want you date again or stay single? Just my 0.02. God bless. Scott

Scott's right you don't get over it not when someone has been such a huge part of your life you just develop a new norm. Hugs

Hi Joe,

I am sorry for your loss and we all know it takes different amounts of time for each person to process their grief so I do not see that anything you are feeling is wrong or not the normal thing.

Are you ready to socialize with other women now or are you being pressured by friends and/or family to do so? That is often the issue.

Truth is, when you are ready you will do it. Not to mention, there are people that do not get involved again after losing a spouse when the marriage was good. So it just varies with each person and I do not think you have to worry about if you are doing the right thing at all. YOu will know when its time. I hope that makes a little bit of sense to you.

Hi, Joe.. I also believe that this crazy notion that people place on the process of losing a loved one as something that you just 'get over' or 'move on' from is just ignorant and cruel. I think that you will find someone else only when you feel confortable with this concept. If you do not, that is your business. In my own life, the moment I quit making time frames for myself everything seems to just slip into place. In my life, I have never gotten 'over' loss, I just learn how to live with it better.
I think that you are doing just fine, my friend.
JK

Hi Joe. I don't think there is a time limit on grieving. I say if you think you need to find someone else to just take baby steps and test out the waters and don't feel bad if you are not very good at it. Mostly, be good to yourself. Hope that helps. Looks like you got a lot of support. Good Luck.
Jess

Thanks to all. I appreciate your input. I guess I had my expectations set too high and figured I ought to be able to move on without any difficulty. I need to re-think those and keep them down to reality. As you said, when I'm ready I'll know it. Thanks again. Joe

There is no time limit on grief or how to move on from a loss. My son died Jan 2005 and I have a reluctance to even look at objects that belonged to him. Someday, I might. Then again, it doesn't matter. About 3 months before that, my ex left. Yes, we needed to move on, but having spent 32 years with him, well, I have yet to get close to anyone. I choose to be around people that have common interests and provide me with a way to socialize. I date one person at a time, and commit to them as we explore our relationship. No strings attached, just someone for companionship that may or may not last. Ill pray for you and your concerns.

Joe, It does not matter if you have let go of your wife or not. You should not feel like you have to let go until you are truely ready. There is not set time limt. If it takes you longer than some other folks, then that is just fine. My youngest son,Paul dies when he was 29, April 2, 2003. My older (and only other son, Steven died 4 yr and 8 months after Paul did.
I felt as if I was loosing not just Steven, but as if I was loosing Paul over again as well. I mean when just Paul was dead, I still had Steven. I still had a child. Then when they were both dead, I was a mother with no children. I was totally devestated. I couldn't sleep or eat, I had such bad anziety and Panic attacks that I could not leave my house alone. Despite of all that, people that knew me very well, My grandson for one,(he was 19 & grown)thought I was grieving less, recovering faster, and handleing things better than I had before.
Steven was 38 when he took his own life. 3 days after his memorial service,my step daughter(the boys half sister, the same Dad,I was not her Mom but the boys Mom.)Shot herself and died from a shotgun shot to the side of her head. MY husband and I were stupid enough to go identify her body (where they air lifted her about 9 miles away. I just thought that we were the only family she had here, and that someone had to do that and call her mOther and Father, and so on. So we drove the 90 miles, then drove 90 miles back and had to tell Karla's 16 yr, old and her 7 yr old daughters that the Doctors could not help their Mom, and she was not coming home. That was one of the worst moments of my life. Joe, no matter who you loose or what you go through to grieve and to heal, the time will come when you know you are ready and who is the one you are interested in, It is much better to a little longer than it would be to jump before you were ready. If you jump into a reltionship before you are truely ready and able to commit yourself to someone else, then you would hurt not just yourself but another woman who is trying to make a new relationship with you. You have to just do things in your way in your time. I wish you best lick and happiness, pray for me, and I do for you as well,Peggy

I was reading about Elvis Presley’s loss of his Mother and how it affected him. I can't describe the pain here or even talk about it, yet I know exactly how he felt. The ages it happens is not important, but the relationship one had is. He had just recently been drafted and into the US Army when he got news of his Mother's turn for the worse.

He was granted leave to go as quickly as he could to the hospital where his Mother was, alongside his Dad Vernon, where she was living her last hours. His Mother was not only his Mother but his best friend he would say later at the funeral where he was inconsolable. Soon after he was sent to Germany. As a patriotic American he knew God, Country, and Family meant and his grief, although strongly there inside of him, was "frozen" while he served out the rest of his two years. This was during the Cold War era and his MOS with tanks required total concentration while in the European Command. Elvis was not an "entertainment type" soldier but a regular GI who asked for no favors and this helped him to "deal" with that trenedous grief-but for only two years.Before Elvis returned from his leave he had left specific instructions that nothing in his Mother's room was to be touched until after he returned, so that is what I meant when I said "frozen".

I usually give examples and talk in the third person many times and rarely talk about me (except what initially happened and how I lost my Mother-and that was basically it). My "advice" is to do what your heart tells you to do and listen to your inner feelings. No one else is living your life except you. Sure the counseling may help to some degree but I am a strong believer that in matters of death when two people were very close-advice should be kept to a minimum as there can be a counter productive result if pressed to much. But that’s just me-others may think different and that is ok. Again, my advice is to go with your inner feelings and follow your heart. Hope that helps. :-)

I understand that what matters is the reltionship we had with our loved on that has passed away is what is important. I also see where the counseler is only a tool to help me regain the grip I once had on life. For me though, I have many other things that I must consider. I have grand children that do not have their fathers, and they depend on me to be their bridge. ot link to their fathers. They need to talk about their fathers and neither of their mothers speak of my sons. They moms are remarried. My oldest grandchild, my Grandson, Mike is 21, and he has a wife and a baby that is 7 months old now. Mike gets very sad and shook up because his son Camron will never know his grand father (my son is the grand father.) mike also gets upset because Steven is not here to enjoy this precious baby, Camron. Part of my problem is that I am trying to soothe and solve all of their problems. I need help with issues other than just my grief. I also deal with cronic and perment pain that will only get worse. I do not want to be controlled by the pain or by pain killer RX drugs. (I do use ibuprophen alternated with regular old asprin, and I take an RX pain pill when I must to cope oer get out of bed. I also as you may see have a problem accepting my limits, be they physical or emotional. I certainly do enjoy your views abd would like to talk more with you. The story about Elvis and his Mother was fasinating. (I was not a real Elvis fan.) I had to clean out my oldest sons home and go through his personal things about 1 1/2 yr. after his death. I found it emotionally and physically exhausting and just totally overwhelming. I helped go through my Daddy's just days after his death and it was therapudic and me and my family had happy memories. Strange at the diffrence.(I was 40 when my daddy died. not young.) This is an interesting and educating topic,Thanks all Peggy