What is Bereavement
Grief is a multi-faceted response to loss. Although conventionally focused on the emotional response to loss, it also has a physical, cognitive, behavioural, social and philosophic...
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Why we can't (and shouldn't) compare grief...
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I recently responded to a post that got me thinking about a lot of things - it was the post about what might be "worse" - losing parent or losing a child. To that question, one could add brother/sister/spouse/etc. And although many people argued that we can't "compare" - it was obvious that many people were doing just that. And some were doing both at the same time.
When we grieve, it's natural to think that our loss, or our "type" of loss is the greatest there can be, precisely because our pain is so great and it is the greatest pain we've ever felt. And we can't imagine anyone being in more pain. I know because this is how I feel now - I can't imagine ANYONE being in as much pain as I am now, including those who have lost a child. And for anyone thinking that "well, he hasn't walked in my shoes," keep in mind that you haven't walked in mine either. You may have worn shoes similar to mine, but you haven't walked in mine. The problem is that NOBODY has ever walked in anyone else's shoes, EVER. NO loss is the same - losing a baby is NOT the same as losing a teenager which is NOT the same as losing an adult child. Which is worse? Some will say losing a baby is worse because he/she never had a life, some will say losing a child you've loved and known for 20+ years is worse precisely because of the memories you've built up over the years - the perspective depends on your loss, NOT on object reality. The way we lose a loved one also influences grief - it is NOT the same to lose someone of "natural" causes as it is to lose them violently and/or suddenly. Whenever we point to someone else's loss and say our loss is "worse", we ARE minimizing their loss - the problem is, there is ALWAYS someone who will point to us and think that our loss is less than theirs. If you ever think that someone's loss is "less" than yours, think about how you would feel is someone thought that your loss was "less" than theirs, because there will always be people who believe that they have "greater" losses... Posted on 10/18/09, 11:10 am |
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thanks a lot.I still miss my sainted father and it will be 22 years on the 1st of November.He was the greatest person around and I miss him.When people tell me to get over it...i wish that I could scream at them.loss is loss and it must be addressed....and it has to be addressed in all of our schools and work force. 
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Well said. We are the Bereaved. Grief is what we share - but our grief is unique to each one of us. I don't think we hear it on the board here as much as from people in our lives - who, with the best of intentions, give us generic comments of condolence. The fact that we're in this group - means we all have a painful void, a hole in our lives that can never be totally healed.
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I would agree that everyone's journey is unique. But I have not seen the comparisons you describe on this group.
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I make no comparisons in degree, whether the death of a loved one is a violent one as opposed to "expected" and so on. Young or old, I make no distinction.. To me, a death is a death is a death. Someone asked Elvis Presley's Karate instructor once-"What degree Black Belt is Elvis" and Parker's remark was-"How many degrees of death is there"?
There is no degree of pain and suffering that one can gauge or even attempt to compare the degree or level of suffering for each person's death of a loved one. I believe most people think the same way on this forum and treat each death and the grieving party with equal compassion. Another good thing about this forum is people don't press. If you say you don't care to get into the personal details of your life they are respectful. They make suggestions sometimes, but they don't shove anything down another's throat and that is as it should be. All in all a great group of people.
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It is kind of a question that is really impossible to answer. There are too many varibales, and too much emotions in it all. We hurt. There is grief. There is just all that pain, and comfort is hard to find. God help us all,love,Peggy
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Well put and I do thank you for expressing it so well. I have grieved or in the process of grieving the death of all my family members. Mom to cancer, Dad to hemochromatosis and cirrhosis of the liver, sister-in-law to homicide by my brother who then committed suicide, step-mother to heart problems and older sister to cancer. Each death affected me and has affected me in different ways but the one way is the tremendous feeling of loss, unfairness of it all. I do have my faith in God which is what I hold onto as I walk by faith through each day and my belief if I do choose to do this then someday my journey will take me back where we can all be reunited forever. Are there days I wish that day would come. Yes but I know each day I wake up that the God who will guide me to that reunion has something for me to do so I begin to search for it and focus on it instead of my grief.
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I also tell myself many times a day and night, "FOCUS ON ALL YOU HAVE LEFT, NOT JUST ON WHAT YOU HAVE LOST!" The list of my losses are long as well through the years. Father, boyfriend,many friends, 2 sons, a step daughter. Yet God still has left so many blessings for me here on earth. I am working on this. Love,Peggy
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