What is Bereavement
Grief is a multi-faceted response to loss. Although conventionally focused on the emotional response to loss, it also has a physical, cognitive, behavioural, social and philosophic...
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Why we can't (and shouldn't) compare grief...
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I recently responded to a post that got me thinking about a lot of things - it was the post about what might be "worse" - losing parent or losing a child. To that question, one could add brother/sister/spouse/etc. And although many people argued that we can't "compare" - it was obvious that many people were doing just that. And some were doing both at the same time.
When we grieve, it's natural to think that our loss, or our "type" of loss is the greatest there can be, precisely because our pain is so great and it is the greatest pain we've ever felt. And we can't imagine anyone being in more pain. I know because this is how I feel now - I can't imagine ANYONE being in as much pain as I am now, including those who have lost a child. And for anyone thinking that "well, he hasn't walked in my shoes," keep in mind that you haven't walked in mine either. You may have worn shoes similar to mine, but you haven't walked in mine. The problem is that NOBODY has ever walked in anyone else's shoes, EVER. NO loss is the same - losing a baby is NOT the same as losing a teenager which is NOT the same as losing an adult child. Which is worse? Some will say losing a baby is worse because he/she never had a life, some will say losing a child you've loved and known for 20+ years is worse precisely because of the memories you've built up over the years - the perspective depends on your loss, NOT on object reality. The way we lose a loved one also influences grief - it is NOT the same to lose someone of "natural" causes as it is to lose them violently and/or suddenly. Whenever we point to someone else's loss and say our loss is "worse", we ARE minimizing their loss - the problem is, there is ALWAYS someone who will point to us and think that our loss is less than theirs. If you ever think that someone's loss is "less" than yours, think about how you would feel is someone thought that your loss was "less" than theirs, because there will always be people who believe that they have "greater" losses... Posted on 10/18/09, 11:10 am |
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Hey, nicely put! I agree completely. The point of grief in this life, seems to me, is to burn us in the fire of suffering so that we come out more pure on the other side--or not at all. To compare is ridiculous--death is death, and loss is loss. If anything, we should band together and help each other through these things--not selfishly say our grief is more than someone else's. It's counterproductive AND insensitive. Thanks for posting this! 
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Right on!!! You said that very profoundly!!! Our lives are usually very narrow-narrowed by our own perspective--we do not or cannot look very far beyond our own experiences and "it" is usually bigger than life. Everyone has got their level of suffering. Some is obvious-a baby or child abandoned or abused-a war torn country and its victims that create incredible post traumatic systems--torture, etc etc. I hope you will have a constructive way out of your situation. I have read your comments and it seems we can only stand by in this horrible ordeal you are going through.
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BRAVO!!! Beautifully said.
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Thank you! You wording beautiful.
I wish you peace.
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Thank you for sharing and that was very well put. My losses have been a still born child, my mother drank herself to death and it's coming up on a year since I lost my father. Strangely, out of the 3 the most painful for me was the loss of my father, it still makes me very sad when I see pictures or when ppl talk about him.
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Very well put. Thank you for posting. I agree totally.
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Very well said, hats off to you.
Perhaps the two most important things I've learned about grief....1. the way out of grief is through it. 2. The very worst kind of grief is your own. We are all here for the same reason, and to each and every one of you. I am truly sorry for all the loss we've all had.
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I definitely agree 100%! Thank you for being so articulate.
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I always asked myself that question, that know loss is the same. But you put it so together, and thank you for that. You have answered my question. That was beautiful, thank you so much.
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I am not so sure about this, and I am probably fixing to make a bunch of people mad at me, but I am one that just gives my honest opinuions and thoughts. even if they make waves.
Please know I respect and love the DS site and yall have helped me to go on and live,AS OPPOSED to just existing. I have had my Daddy die, but my Mom is still alive. I lost all my grandparents early, but 1 grandma, who lived until I was a grown woman. I have lost the usual, uncles, aunts, cousins, and friends. I never lost my husband, although I have lost a boyfriend that I cared and still care deeply for. My siblings are all alive. My youngest son died at the age of 29 from an accidental overdose. (April 2003) My only other child, my son, took his own life at the age of 38.(DEC 2007.) 3 days after his memorial service, my step daughter also took her own life. She was 34. Each of them had 2 children, so I have my grand kids, who are a great gift of love from God. I believe in The Father, The Son and The Holy Spirit. I pray and believe it works, and I believe in angels and miricles. I belive God has a plan and he will reveal it to us when He is ready to. I believe grief is diffrent, just as we are diffrent, and just as there are diffrent kinds of love, there are diffrent kinds of grief. I love my husband diffrently than I love my Mother. I love my grand children diffrently than I do my sisters. Not only does love present it's self in many diffrent forms, We are all individuals and all diffremt from one another. I DO NOT DARE TO PRESUME TO SPEAK FOR ANYONE BUT MYSELF!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! I just know that for me my grief was harder and deeper,and worse to come back from when my children died than when any other of my relatives. loved ones, or friends . I do not speak of,or about anyone but me, personaly. I do not mean to say my loss is worse than anyone elses.I do not say it is harder or more difficult. Please don't anyone of you think I am trying to say in anyway that my hurt or loss is worse than or deeper than or thereis anyone who has any more grief than anyone elseses. especially mine. For I consider myself very blessed by God and that God has surrounded me and kept me safe..This is just my view on MY grief. NOT on any of yours. I am speaking only for my own experience and my own life. I love DS and the DS Family, Love,Peggy
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