Bereavement Support Group

I have to return to work on Wednesday. I am feeling very fragile emotionally and really worried about being able to function there. People have told me it's the thing I need right now, yes, I need to work financially, but I am having trouble agreeing because of the stress.

Honestly, this has been the worst year of my life. There have been a ton of things that were stressful and challenging, I am not exaggerating in any way. It started with a painful orthopedic surgery on my hip, having to pack up and move to a different work site while still on a cane, having a student break a bone in my foot with his chair the first week of school, being required to take a graduate level course by California with tons of work that lasted from Sept-May, having to move during October when our landlord let the condo we were renting go into foreclosure auction. My best friend suddenly died at the end of October, I broke my nose the first week of December on a glass door that had just been washed and I didn't see it. Then my precious Michael found out he had a very rare and agressive form of cancer in January. It was growing in his sinus, invaded the bones in his face and his lymph nodes, it was trying to invade his brain. There was surgery, doctor's appointments, radiation, medications, and his slipping further and further away until he died at the end of June.

We were in the process of buying our own home when he got sick, the house was being built and going through on his VA loan. It was just before the last signing when he left us. That fell through because he passed and I am not a vet. It was so much his dream, even as sick as he was, he wanted to drive by and see how it was going. If he felt good he walked through the frame and dreamed. After he died I had to move in with my kids. I couldn't manage financially on my own in the expensive place we quickly took, after the other place was auctioned, while we planned on our home purchase. I guess if I hadn't been so devastated I could have arranged for my own loan, but I wouldn't have wanted to live in our dream home alone anyway.

Through all of this I've had to hold my head up and work. I am a special education teacher. This past year I had several emotionally disturbed children who acted out every single day. Two of them were very severe, one even struck me. That's draining in itself without everything else going on. I got marked down on my bi-yearly evaluation in May for getting teary eyed a couple times in the spring, was told it was unprofessional. Guess it's not okay to be human if you're a teacher. It's not okay to be having a hard time while you are trying to help the person you love battle cancer. It wasn't like I went around crying, I did my work and did it well. I gave and gave to everyone for months, finished the course with top marks even. Then after I moved, I fell apart.

I just don't want to go back to work. But I have to. Teachers have to pay for their own disability, you get very very little money when you're off work. Can't live on that at all. Sometimes I cry all day. Often I sleep for hours with many nightmares. It's very hard to get things done except rote cleaning chores. I have panic attacks. Am not interested in anything at all and I've gained weight. Yes, I am getting counseling and have medication. Am trying to feel better. The thing is, what's going to happen next? What horrible surprise has life got ready for me now? When I go back to work how will I cope? I am angry that I was marked down on my evaluation instead of being supported and cherished during all these horrid things going on. Why didn't they help me cope instead of ignoring what was happening? I feel broken and I miss Michael so badly. Instead of moving together into our beautiful new house, I go to see him at the cemetary. It all just hurts so damned bad.

Sorry this is so long and probably boring. It sounds some some stupid soap opera, over the top. But I had to get it out.
Posted on 08/13/12, 01:08 pm