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Discussion:
Estranged Mother's Suicide
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I'm wondering if anyone out there is dealing with the death of their estranged mother. I had made the decision to stop talking with my mother 14 months before she died. The guilt and shame won't leave me alone and I fight everyday to cope with the feelings. She was a very critical, judgemental person and would not stop complaining about my siblings to me. We tried to help her financially but she witheld information about her debt and manipulated me into giving more. There are so many layers to the grief I feel, it's difficult to sort through them. Anyone else coping with a similar situation that can add some insight?
Posted on 05/21/12, 09:14 am
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Reply #1 - 05/21/12  5:24pm
" Hello ayesmom,
I really offer you my sentiment of condolence for the situation of your mother’s death. Suicide is so difficult an act to “make sense” of. One thing that I will suggest to you: Try to condition your thoughts and feelings towards where your mother touched your life in ways that were meaningful. We all need to know that we’ve connected to our family in ways that made a possitive difference, and especially during times of grief or feelings of loss. Although, it’s also very natural to concentrate on hopelessness and thoughts of guilt and shame while you are remembering the hurtful circumstances of the relationship which was before your mother died. So please find relief that you can say nothing wrong about this thing, due to the estranged nature, which is simply human; and you don’t need to search for clues of failure or faults; what’s done is done. In my personal insight with such family matters, when we come to understand the eternal nature of life and death, the mistakes we make are just the beginning of a temporary situation; there is hope of a better and more genial life to come. In more logical words, if you really believe that you’ll see your mother in the resurrection as promised of by Christ, then it’s better to let go of her faults, or leave them to God’s forgiveness and understanding. Imagine what you would want to say to your mother when you see her face-to-face once again, and you will! Now, I figure that you have a right to cry for your mother’s pain and suffering as she had lived with heavy emotional pain, and she made illogical mistakes, but at the same time you deserve to have a quick sense of real hope for her peace and rest while she is at death’s rest; and she is learning of her personal faults and wrong choices; and she is seeking God's forgiveness and your's. Help her to heal for her own spirtual purposes by concentrating on your own peace and sanity as you still live in the flesh and subject to your own mistakes, and able to make amends which she can not physically do now; and as you study-out what the Bible says about forgiveness, you reaffirm your love for your mother, which is designed by God to heal your mind and comfort your heart and anguishing questions surrounding your life in the flesh. What really matters is that you focus on positive spiritual growth while dealing with the pain of her death, and have hope for feelings and thoughts that are soothing to you and not shameful or guilt-ridden, which robs you of God’s love and understanding for your very own human needs. God bless! "
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Reply #2 - 05/21/12  6:34pm
" Really? I was feeling a little supported up until the sentence "If you really believe...as promised of by Christ." That is not what I thought this support group was for...to tout your religious beliefs as answers to life's problems to people who just need to be heard and understood. Just wanted some secular understanding and comfort. Is this a Christian website? Anyone? "
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Reply #3 - 05/21/12  10:38pm
" I’m happy, ayesmom, that you are able to feed on the least of my words that are directly involved for your healing needs. Take care. So sorry that you have not yet figured out what your purpose is at this site. "
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Reply #4 - 05/22/12  2:21am
" i agree with you..so many people on here just say god is the answer.. i understand how you feel but you need to try not to feel guilty...by what you are saying she treated you bad and didnt treat you the way she should have...how does the rest of your family feel..can they help in any way??....the only thing that well help is time.. i know that sucks but in time the guilt will pass and you will hopefully see you did the right thing at the time.....goodluck and hugs to you...and no god is not always the answer... "
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Reply #5 - 05/22/12  2:27am
" People often offer you words of comfort that they themselves have received from their religion, they are not however seeking converts.No this is not a Christian site, but embraces all beliefs equally, for indeed we are ALL creations. I know you are hurting, and are biting hands that would uphold you, but if advice comes your way that you do not agree with, simply leave it - it was kindly meant. Meanwhile, you can still make peace with your mother, we all have faults, we are all sometimes less than kind. You are not to blame for mom's choices, and she is loved unconditionally, and indeed, are you. xxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxx Be kind to yourself dear "
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Reply #6 - 05/23/12  5:21am
" To all of you who dismiss God out of hand. I defend your right to your own opinions, and would ask that you respect those of us who have differing beliefs. Question time, if you do not have god, what do you offer instead? Do you have healing to offer for those in pain - where does it come from? I have to insist that you respect the beliefs held by others. They are no less valid than your own. We expect people to treat others on DS with courtesy and decency. If that is too much, perhaps you do not belong here? "
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Reply #7 - 05/23/12  3:16pm
" Barbarame, I support your efforts to know how others are dealing with healing outside of God’s ways. Thanks for your considerate questions. I feel that it’s only fair for those who believe in God to know how to approach such people who don’t believe in Him. Do tell. And I do respect others’ right not to believe in God, but there has to be a higher power involved with grief, shame and guilt, not to mention healing by this nature; otherwise, how can one get over these fierce feelings by employing only human-like methods? Yes, there are specialist, specific books and other helpful tools and techniques to deal with pain and grief that are developed by professional or experienced men and women. But most writing their stories do attribute their wisdom to a talented higher spiritual power, some type of extra-ordinary intervention or existence of super-natural powers or beings from outside of this natural world. Let’s be informed by what has helped comfort you without God involved. I also suggest that when you are confronted with answers concerning the powers of God, hope, faith, prayers and heavenly realms where departed loved ones still exist, just simply tell that you are not a believer in such encouragement as this, and be thankful that the believers attempted to help you at all. Remember that you are not the only ones needing understanding and support, so do those helping you; compassion works at this support site by both ways, give and give back, lovingly. Thanks in advance for your replies. Not to keep ayesmom’s views out in the open for ridicule; the questions are just to be respectful, please; as this is just to respectively help others with the same or similar perspectives as her own. I do regard your heartfelt ideas and comments, as it helps us believers to approach the non-believers in a more comfortable and considerate way as we determine how to give additional insight and useful support for your personal healing needs. "
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Reply #8 - 05/24/12  7:23am
" Evidently this account has been closed.However, the discussion need not be. Questions have been respectfully asked and if anyone has differing views, post them so that we can better understand. "

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