What is Bereavement
Grief is a multi-faceted response to loss. Although conventionally focused on the emotional response to loss, it also has a physical, cognitive, behavioural, social and philosophic...
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I lost my dad to colon cancer on December 3rd, 3 months from the day he was diagnosed.
I always had a very close realationship with him, I told him everything. I moved to a different city right before he was diagnosed and was not able to be around while he was sick. I drove down and visted as much as I could, and sometimes he came down and seen me. 3 months is such a short amount of time... I was there when he died. My mom called me at work on a Monday and I drove down there that night, she said he wasnt doing good and was rushed to the hospital. I got there that night and he was incoherant, his skin was yellow and his eyes were watering. I don't know if he even knew I was there. I spent a few hours with him that night and went home to sleep. The next day we got a call from the hospital, saying that we had better get there quick. It was bad. He was in so much pain. His body was shutting down and he couldnt stop moaning, the moaning almost turned into screams by the end. He suffered for about 8 or 9 hours that night. I can not get the imagine or sound out of my head. The sound of his lungs filling with water, it sounded like a bong. And I cant forget the face he made before he died. In his last couple hours he tried so hard to say something but he couldn't. He finally managed to get out "I want to go home". That was the only thing I heard him say in 2 days. This kills me...I cant sleep at night because I keep replaying those last couple of minutes in my head. I am crying right now as I type this. It is effecting me in such a bad way, my work, my home life, everything. Any suggestions on how to deal with this?. I can't talk to anyone. I have never been able to share my feelings with anyone face to face. Not even my fiance. He knows that I hurt but he also knows that I cant talk about this kind of stuff, so he leaves me alone. Thanks for reading Posted on 01/14/09, 12:01 pm |
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I am so sorry for your loss. I also had the visions of my husband passing away in my arms, which was sudden, we DID not expect it. I could NOT get those images out of my head. I had tried counseling a few months after and the counselor mentioned this form of EMDR therapy, to help me NOT relive that moment as much. It DID work for me, it might be something to look into. I know your fiance is there for you, but I also know that as much as they are there, they have NO clue as to how your are feeling, the pain, the torment. They cannot because they are not in the place that we are. Just try to discuss ALL your feeling with him, I know how hard it is. I am wishing you the best, sending you lots of hugs, strength, and especially HOPE, the hope that someday the beautiful memories you have with him, will TAKE OVER!!!! Love, Alice 
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I am so sorry about the loss of your dad. I was with my mom when she died in hospice care fourteen months ago. Unfortunately, our most recent memories are the onews we remember so clearly. I have flashes still of her final days, how she suffere,. My grief therapist says that when we are going through bad times we can only remember all the other bad times. It will pass but it takes awhile. I have no problem sharing my feelings, but come here as nobody wants to hear them. Try to give your fiance a chance - what I wouldnt give to have a good man in my life. But remember this is all a part of grief and each heart has its iwn way and time of healing. Much love to you, nancy
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My Dad died of pancreatic cancer in December of last year. He vomited horrible things. It is very hard to forget things. I remember giving my Dad a back rub and noticing that there wasn't any muscle any more. It is hard to watch them not be able to eat or drink anything. I remember giving him pain meds and he couldn't swallow and I was worried I would choke him.
I just try to remember the good times. My step mom gave me a shaving jar my Dad used to use. I fill it with my change. My Dad used to always jingle his change in his pockets. I also like to think about all of the wonderful things my Dad can now do in heaven. He can eat anything he wants. He isn't in pain. I just miss him terribly. My Dad was a workaholic growing up and we just go close in the last two years. I just wish we could have had more. He
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I read your post - thinking how often I type posts and cry simultaneously just like you. I think of watching my Mom and then months later my Dad dying. I think of the things I'm not sure about - did I make the right decisions - medical or other? And then you mention the monitor. I noticed my Dad's vitals changing at one point and asked the nurse if his condition was changing (I saw it but asked her). She looked and turned off the monitor - I never saw when he really went (on the monitor). (A friend said they were watching a monitor from outside - but I never saw it.) I had a difficult enough time - still beating myself up now. But we're with you - and understand those moments we never forget.
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hello sorry for your lost i am just reading your story i hope you are feeling better now i know how diffucult it is too lose a love one and be there when they die i want through something simmilar to your lost at one time i would think about it over and over it would play over in my mind i would blame myself but it took me along time to realize that it was not and i loved him very much i decided i had to stop letting it take me over.
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I wished I was as eloquent as some of these people describing the horrible feelings we have all felt with our loved ones...The one thing that sticks out in my mind, is the guilt I felt actually praying that he would pass so he would no longer suffer...He wasnt in pain (thanks to hospice) but he hadnt had anything to eat in 9 days and nothing to drink in 2 to 3 days. Everytime I looked at him, he looked even 5 pounds lighter and I was with hubby 24 hours a day. I also told hubby outloud that it was ok for him to go, he grabbed my arm and pulled me down to him for a small kiss and in an hour he was in a coma. He died less than 24 hours later with me crying and gently rubbing his arm. I didnt know wether to be happy for him not having to suffer or horrified that I was forever alone now and already missing him. Its only been a little over 2 months but somedays I am ok and then there are others like yesterday that are absolutely horrible. I am very sorry for you loss...and sometime typing it or telling it is a way to heal...
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It's very strange that I found an alert for this thread today. I replied to it so long ago, I'd forgotten. But there's a reason for everything.
Because yesterday, I found myself pulling out the calendar again - a calendar I'd used during Mama's at-home care. Two years this month, she would begin having an additional medical issue, which would bring her back to the hospital - one of two times before her passing. I read everything being done at home each day, then hospital and home again - medications, transfusions and additional meds. Wondering WHAT did they do to her during those last two hospital visits? The heartbreak / questions and frustrations never leave me. I'm so sorry for your pain, and I understand.
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