Bereavement Support Group

I am so sorry for the loss of your dad. When you lose someone you love, you go through a process of grieving. It is different for everyone, but certain things will be the same. We all either cry, get angry, yell or rant a rave or all of it. You need to grieve the way your heart is telling you to grieve. Nothing anyone else does will get you through it faster. You need to talk about it and get it out, but you don't have to be face to face. You can write it here and someone will always be around that has gone through the same process you are going through now. Don't lock your fiance out. Just tell him when you can't talk about something and need to be alone. Stay strong. hugs jeanie

Sweetie! You are just grieving! Is this the first death of someone really close to you? If so, it passes. It changes. It gets different where good memories replace it all.

I have been thru several deaths over the yrs. Each one is different.

First, forgive yourself for not having more time and living closer to him. He would not want you to torture yourself like this?

He loved you. He wanted to go home. Yes, he probably wanted to say so much more than that. Like I love you all but I don't want these images in your head of me. I want good memories. Remember now I am gone. I hurt no more. I am sick no more. I am free of But you whom I love are not. Quit torturing my little girl. I want you to be happy.

It could have been yrs of unbearable agony....Thank God I did not put you all thru that. Please be happy my suffering ended. I love you my dearest child.

Can you imagine him wanting you to let the horrible images go and quit blaming yourself for not having more time, more visits, more talks, more walks, more whatever? Your Dads body could not go on anymore. He wanted it too. Like you did.

Love yourself. Let the bad stuff fade and replace with his love and good memories. Refuse to allow those thoughts to start. Throw that garbage out! It will eat and eat you up! Your Dad would be horrified to know you are torturing his baby like that.

You have to think instead how awful it could have been. It always could be worse.

Let those images go. Rid yourself of them as if they were poisonous.
They are!



Love Rhea

If you need to talk...I will listen. Up strange hrs too.

This is what worked for me to finally get the replay of my husband's death out of my constant thoughts and nightmares: I wrote it all down in a notebook, every ugly, horrific, gut-wrenching, pain-filled detail, crying my guts out as I did so. And then I closed the notebook. I know that if for any reason whatsoever I ever need to revisit that horrible experience, it is "safe" in the notebook, so I don't need to carry it in my head 24/7. Somehow it was like moving its location from my head to elsewhere. I hope this helps and that you feel better soon. Hugs.

First let me say I am very, very sorry for your loss.

My husband died October 30 after a 8 month battle with small cell cancer that had travelled to his brain. He underwent all the recommended treatments, yet they did not work.

Although it seems like I should have been "prepared," I was not. It sounds impossible, but I was totally unprepared for his death as he had been doing "so very well."

Although the last few minutes of his life were peaceful and he went off quickly after I told him "I don't want you to leave me, but if you are tired of fighting, I understand." He opened his eyes, from his coma, and then died.

I had a chance to give him permission to die. But, I still feel that same horror when I think back at that morning. Why didn't I say, "Don't leave me. I can't handle everything without you. I will miss you too much."

You see, no matter how death happens, it is always terrible and tramatic and you always wish it could have been different.

My heart goes out to you. I like the suggestion of writing a journal. Some possible questions you can ask yourself:
What I wish I'd said:
What I wish I hadn't said:
What I'd like to ask you:
What I wish I had done:
What I wish I hadn't done:
How I hope you will remember me:

We are here for you. Love and hugs to you and give yourself time to heal and to grieve.

I am so sorry for your loss. My heart is with you. I know how you feel. I lost my Grandpa 22 months ago. He was dying in lots of pain, the doctors gave him new medication that killed his kidneys. I still keep crying every time I look at his picture. He was the closest to my heart and it is the biggest loss in my life. This morning I received another bad news - my Grandma (in Poland) just died after 7 months of pain and agony. I am devastated. I would like to die too, so I could be with them now. Please try to pray. I also watch John Edward "Cross Country" - it really helps.
Please try to watch it or read his books. Your dad is happy now, he wouldn't want you to cry. Lots of hugs. Margaret

I'm very sorry for your loss. Reading your post I was remembering my first month after my mom had passed away. I can only imagine how hard it must have been on you.

My mom passed away in September 2008. Her death was very traumatic for me. She died in hospital and all I can remember was her face that last day. She suffered so much, couldn't breath, couldn't make eye contact, turning her had both ways. That picture haunts me every morning when I open my eyes. That sound she made while having trouble breathing was horrible and I can't get it out of my had. And I hear her every morning telling me "Take me home", because that's what she kept telling me the last night we had spoken. And I also couldn't sleep, work, function the way everybody expected I should.

The first month was the worst, but even now, after four months, I have horrible dreams and think about those moments often. And I can tell you, although it's still very hard, it's much easier. My emotions and reactions to those images and sounds aren't so intensive as they were at the beginning.

And like you, I have no one to talk to because nobody understands my pain. People here are helping me a lot, so I can suggest you talk as much you can, express your feelings, cry whenever you can. We are all here for you. It will be easier. Hugs. Lara

I was 23 when my dad passed away at age 56. They didn't know he had a brain tumor until autopsy. He was a guy who helped everybody but the last time I saw him, I told him to take it easy as I left the room, using a common phrase that people say all the time when they don't know what else to say. His last words to me were "what the hell else am I going to do in a hospital?" The next day they decided on exploratory surgery to see if a tumor was under his liver (this was before today's sofisicted tests). I lived 200 miles away so my mom and sister told me to come the following weekend to visit, that he would be happy to see me. His heart stopped on the operating table. He was kept alive on the machines for two days. I rushed home to be with my mom and sister. By chance, the moment he died, I was in the room alone with him as the machine line went flat and alarams started going off. Being so young, the shock of seeing him die overwhelmed the feeling of loss. It took years to get the sound of that machine out of my head. Two years later, my gram died and four years later my sister died. I again was at her bedside. I didn't want to go because I did not think I could go through watching someone die again. My husband gently told me: "you have to, for your mom's sake". I did and I watched as her husband fell over her body as she breathed her last breath. Then we went home to tell her four children their mom was gone. My point to you is that we cannot get rid of the sounds, the emotions, the feelings, just like that. I think that this is the process of maturing. Since then I have lost my daughter and my mom. The sounds will diminish with time. Don't be afraid of them. Move on with your life, no matter how hard it is to do so. That is the cycle of life. There are many things you can and you have suggestions here on ds but you will know when it is right. The sun will set tonight and rise again tomorrow morning. It is up to you to choose how you will face the day. God bless you on your journey.

oh i know exactly how you feel, my dad died 3 months ago and i was there with him and he would shake his head like he was in alot of pain and everything. i wish i could give you suggestions about how to deal but i am having a hard time dealing with mine and my fiance is kinda the same way. all i can offer is im here to talk to b/c i know exactly what your going through.

I lost the love of my live and my soulmate in June 2008. We were alone in the house when he died and those last minutes stayed with me for quite some time. People used to say "you must have so many lovely memories" but I just couldn't get past those last minutes. And then all of a sudden I found that I did have lovely memories and while I will never forget the horror of holding him while he took his last breaths and begging him to stay with me I am now able to remember happier times. I'm sure happier memories will come to you soon, its all part of the grieving process. I'm sorry you find yourself here but its a good place for support and cliffskat's suggestion to write it down and then close the book is such a good idea.
Hugs, Angela

Hi there, I can imagine how you felt. I remember the night before with my dad. My dad had such a look of fear on him and he couldn't say anything but I knew he was in discomfort and pain and the worst is that the doctors had run out of treatment options. For me I remembered the love my dad had for me, and the love I had for him. I held is hand and I knew it was bad and what was happening. I told the doctor who had treated my dad on and off with all the other doctors over the last 2 months to make him comfortable. The love of being willing to release him from the pain he was going through. I could never be selfish and want my dad to suffer, so I trusted and believed and let him go. I went back later about 2am, held is hand as he slept, told him it would be ok, and I would be ok, I came home to freshen up and think he decided when to leave.

Try to remember not only the last few minutes but the love between you and him, the years of love and fun.