Bereavement Support Group

I haven't joined this group yet, but I'm considering it. Just...not sure if I should join this, or the Teen-Bereavement group. Anyway...it's late and I really don't have the energy to retype everything I've experienced today. Here's a part of what I wrote in my journal today, it's the main reason why I'm making this topic. Anyway....here it is.

Today was one of the hardest days of my life. Not only did I see my grandfather for the final time, but I also had to help carry the caskit (or however you spell the damn word). This was my very first funeral and it was just so emotional. We all really just needed each other, a shoulder to literally cry on, and help ease each others grief. I remember walking into the funeral home and immediately saw my grandfather just laying there. He looked pretty good, and he was almost smiling. He was holding onto a paintbrush and a single flower in his hands. He always loved to paint, especially those "paint-by-number" paintings. It was his favorite hobby. The lower half of his caskit was covered by the American flag for being in the military at some point, but I'll explain more about that in a bit. I walked up to my grandfather to say some words...but they just wouldn't come. Not completely anyway. Dad must have saw me struggling because he came up to me, stood by my side for a few moments before giving me a hug and letting my cry. I think he cried a little too. Just about everyone was crying. I went around and hugged everyone I could, including my father's sister and brother. What was weird and different was that my uncle, my father's brother, actually hugged me back. That's something he's never done before. I remember wanting to say more to grandpa but I just couldn't say anything. I couldn't stand up anymore. I found the nearest chair and sat down. I saw some other people, family members I think, walk up to grandpa, pray for him, and then most made their way towards me. I didn't know, or remember, them but they knew my name and said "sorry for your loss Tim" but in their own words. Several minutes later, or what felt like forever to me, the people in charge of the funeral home said it was time for us to say our last goodbyes before heading to the church, and finally the cemetery. I wanted to say more to him, a lot more, but I could only get out "Goodbye Grandpa" before I started bursting into tears again. I really wish I'd spent more time with him towards the end. Nobody knew how bad he was until he was put on life support in the hospital. Even until the end, they said, he never lost his smile or his sense of humor. Even now, I can hear his voice saying "You'd better cheer up or I'll punch you in the nose!". He always joked around like that. Whenever we came over to eat, he'd always say something like "You guys are here again to eat my food? I gotta start charging now!". Even after saying that, he'd just tell us to eat up anyway. After everyone said their goodbyes, the only people left in the room were me, two of my uncles, my father, my (male) cousin, and my (female) cousin's husband. As men of the family, we were chosen to carry my grandfather's caskit to the car. I actually can't believe I was strong enough to hold it by the handle with only one hand. I think the other five were impressed with me. We drove from the funeral home and straight to church for mass. Grandpa received his blessings, we said a few prayers, a few members of the family gave their final words. I don't think Grandma said anything. I'm not sure if she even had the strength. She did say a few times how it wasn't fair that Grandpa died, and that Grandma was supposed to go with him. We left the church, carrying Grandpa with us again, but this time to his final resting place. This, I think, was the hardest part for me. I mentioned before that Grandpa was in the army at one point. Turned out, he served in the Vietnam War, which explained why his coffin was covered with the flag. The Father from the church came by to say one last prayer for him. Three elderly army men stood at the side, preparing to shoot off their guns for Grandpa. Two other younger army men walked up to the coffin when they could to fold up the flag placed over him. The flag, and the shells from the guns that were fired off, were given to Grandma. I know Grandpa is in a better place now, but I'm really gonna miss him. I'll never forget the funeral or how I felt, but nor will I ever forget Grandpa. He was a great man and a great grandfather to me and my sister. It's hard to believe he's really gone. I know he'll be watching over me, and everyone else, from high above. He's gone from this world, but he'll never be gone from our hearts or our memories.

Sorry for the long post. My grandfather just passed away, but I feel like I'm gonna need help dealing with this. Any kind of positive advice is very well appreciated. Thank you for your time.
Posted on 08/15/12, 03:08 am