Autism is classified as a neurodevelopmental disorder which manifests itself in markedly abnormal social interaction, communication ability, patterns of interests, and patterns of ...
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Undiagnosed ASD in adults
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hi everyone! i'm new to this support group and just starting the process of getting our 4 year old son evaluated for some ASD symptoms. like probably a lot of you, i've felt jailed by my inability to have a life other than to monitor my son for years. i've also felt terribly alone because my husband has not been supportive of getting our son help for years too. only in the last few weeks has he accepted that our monkey needs professional help, so at least we are on our way to getting the services we need for him.
so yesterday i was talking to a child specialist about my son's social symptoms: inability to relate emotionally to other children. never playing with others. inability to have an interactive conversation (he will "shut down" emotionally and either have a tantrum, or sulk until we go home). not understanding other kid's reactions to him. not understanding boundaries and limits, or sharing, or cooperating, or building upon his experiences with other children. not taking any interest in interacting with others, even. the thing is, as i describe these things to the specialist..., i realised i ended up describing my husband to her as well. to a T!! my hubby and i have had such deep emotional problems we've been in therapy almost as long as we've been married (i cannot tell you how often i have regretted that day since). for years, i have tried explaining to him AND our therapists that he never interacts with me as a wife, only as a "concept". for years i have told him that he does thing TO me but never WITH me. i cannot have even a regular discussion with him without him completely shutting down emotionally and dismissing everything i say because i'm the bad person. we've been living in the Big Apple for 3 years and i cannot get him to leave the house do go meet people or take advantage of all the city has to offer - he just won't do it and he has made no friends at all. our current couples therapist has told my hubby that he's living in a fantasy world and isn't present in his actual life. he's also told him there is a serious problem with him being able to express emotions - truly we spend our weekly therapy session trying to identify HOW he even feels in the first place! his inability to comprehend that i may have feelings he doesn't find "acceptable" have resulted in him abusing me both mentally and physically - not with intent to cause harm, but because he really didn't know that he was traumatizing me. he really jut didn't GET it. it took him 3 months to accept how messed up i was when he molested me in my sleep 3 times in one night (i asked him to stop twice)... yeah, our sex life is a train wreck too (not for my lack of directing, advice, kinky talk, etc). i have since been diagnosed with PTSD because of what he did to me and a couple of other things that happened at the same time. i have never been the same since. needless to say, it would explain why he's never been supportive of getting help for our son until now, since he's insisted that all these social behaviours are "normal". i have to admit, i am so angry with his mother right now, because she may just be the most permissive, absent minded parent any one of us will ever meet. she didn't realise her son was deathly allergic to all her cats for the first 14 years of his life - right up until the day he nearly died. if i told you the things her first 3 husbands did to her, behind her back, and to her son (my hubby) you wouldn't believe any mother would put up with that stuff. when i admitted to her that he had molested me in my sleep, she told me to get therapy (which i was already doing, i may add). oh, did i mention SHE is a therapist?!?! so basically i believe that in diagnosing my son with ASD symptoms, i have just ended up diagnosing my husband too. my main question is: how do i get help for an adult who has never had any kind of guidance as to how to relate to people? so WHERE do we get help for a 36 year old man who exhibits blatant ASD signs? is there hope that they can learn? will i one day be able to feel safe around the man i married? i've gone online, but all the resources available give info on intervention for children. and because he is unable to relate to the things that i express about this stuff, he ends up sabotaging all the work i do helping my son! detailed ASD was not testable when WE were children, so i am sure there are many people out there who are living with these issues as adults without knowing (case in point - children who sadly take their own lives or the lives of others in school, or who make the newspaper headlines for similar things later on in life). i would really appreciate if anyone can point me in the right direction, or if you can share any experiences with me. honestly, knowing that my son could turn into the emotionally devoid man i married scared me more than almost anything else in my life. my husband needs help, for the sake of just being able to relate to his own son. we're getting outside help for the kid, but the adult needs it just as badly if he's going to take part in helping our son adjust. so sorry about the long post! i'm at such a loss. i've just had the last 4 years of my miserable marriage and difficult parenting validated by professionals who are amazed that i've held it together on my own for so long. i'm still not seeing much light at the end of my tunnel, but once we get help for our son maybe life will become a little more bearable for me. take my husband.... please.... Posted on 05/15/09, 11:05 am |
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My best advice is to make sure that the therapist your son is seeing is one who has an extensive background in asperger's disorder. In recent years there has more and more media coverage of asperger's and high functioning autism and, thus, greater awareness, even among professionals. Prior to that and still now, many people on the higher functioning end went undiagnosed because the adults in their lives were not familiar with the symptoms and they were not referred for an evaluation. More and more adults are bieng identified. However, do not assume that just because a professional is willing to diagnose autism spectrum disorders or provide therapy that they have the background to do a good job of it. This article will tell you what to look for in a good evaluation. http://www.ehow.com/how_4723735_au... I hope that you can get help for your husband. You certainly have some tough decisions ahead of you. I would recommend getting the therapy from a psychiatrist who has expertise in autism spectrum disorders. Additionally access all of the other services for your son that you can. One of those is the public schools. (I know that some schools do a far better job and that some do not do a good job at all -however, they are supposed to provide services so ask for them.) This article will tell you exactly where to go to get free services (not all in public schools) http://www.ehow.com/how_4908298_se... -I am also going to give you a link to my page where you can access more of my articles on autism and how to work with it http://www.ehow.com/members/doban.... (go to the "articles" section.) You have a journey ahead of you. You have taken a good first step by connecting to other parents who can be a good support group. Good luck. 
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I would find a doctor for your son who can do biomedical testing. Doctors listed on the DAN (Defeat Autism Now) list is a good place to start. We had our son tested by an osteopathic doctor who originally was on the list. A lot of the "symptoms" went away (sensory integration, visual perception difficulties, some social difficulties, fog head, to name a few) once we found out the physical things we could correct.
The aspie part is still an integral part of who he is and won't change. He does not understand a lot of social cues or communication, but that can be worked with and taught about. He'll always be "different." I imagine you have a long road ahead of you with your husband and pray you find the guidance and help you need. You'll need to decide do you truly love him, because there are things you'll have to accept are just a part of who he is. I wish I had more answers to share with you. I know there are many who belong to this group who have just found out in adulthood that they have AS. Hopefully they will be able to give you advice.
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thank you so much, DDMO and Becky (and Melody, who sent me private messages)! i have been reading extensively about these issues since last week, have even barely slept. i'm grateful for all the resources and support i have found here.
i am looking for more support for spouses of people married to undiagnosed ASD partners, because i don't know even how to approach my husband at this point. every single day is a struggle for me, we are on different planets no matter how often we talk and how much therapy we go to (five years and counting). the only thing that has changed in our relationship is that now i know WHY i have felt so unbelievably alone for so many years. why sex has been awful, why conversations are so stifled, why we have never been able to grow together, and why we've never had our son diagnosed for ASD until now, even tho i'd been pointing out the evidence for over 2 years. i don't know HOW this is going to get fixed enough for me to even imagine my marriage can be saved. all i hope for is that my husband can learn how to help his son. he's spent the last 3 years telling me i was a freak instead of helping our son. he has done permanent damage in my ability to be physical with him, and after all the put downs and invalidating of my feelings for so long, the only feelings i have for him are awful. we just don't have really any good memories to even hang on to, because we got pregnant right away after marrying, so we had to deal with stress right from the start, and that's made our ability to deal with each other... .... so traumatic... i have never felt more trapped into not being able to commit suicide. that's what happens when you have a challenging son, whose father is incapable of raising alone in a healthy way. no possibility of checking-out... like i said, i'm just focusing on my son, it is all i have the strength for. i see no hope for my marriage. maybe someone more patient or forgiving than i could do it, but i'm not even sure there's any marital love for me to give anymore. i really appreciate all the advice and perspective here, and really would welcome any other insights. i'm just resting comfortably in my throne of rock bottom, where the light doesn't shine, and there is no place else to sit.
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